There’s been a death in my house
January 2nd, 2006
i am one of them.
one of THEM.
one of those people who aren’t afraid of …
cockroaches.
that said, i still hate it whenever i see those irritating brown things crawling among my stuff. i have no qualms whipping out the insecticide, or smooshing them into roach-mush with toilet paper each time i catch one of them running around my house. i was happiest when i discovered anest of roaches in an unused box (hadn’t been opened in three years) underneath my kitchen sink, and my housemaid let me pour scalding water into the box to kill them all.
i dont put any thought at all into killing cockroaches. see em, kill em, next please. it’s the same thing with ants. i actually get a bit of satisfaction out of wiping them out with a warm wet cloth everytime i leave a Milo ring on my desk. sorta like when you use a porepack — you know, that feeling you get when you rip it off after 5 minutes and see all those spore-like blackheads on the white sticky paper. then you rub your nose and find it so much smoother than before. then you feel happy and sorta cleaner. yeah. that feeling.
the other day when i was coming out of my room, a cockroach scuttling across my path to run behind the big yellow laundry hamper almost made me drop my mug of coffee. yay, extermination time, i thought, and went to my mom’s room to grab the can of insecticide. i went back to the big yellow laundry hamper from IKEA and moved it aside to unshelter the cockroach from its hiding spot. and jeng jeng jeng … there it was. and there i was, poised intimidatingly with my can of Ridsect.
i think it knew it was going to die, but it ran anyway. it scuttled and sped like a little brown bullet towards the unlit bathroom and its comforting darkness, but it’s escape was intercepted by a burst of insecticide very professionally aimed by moi. (oh the tactics you learn after so many years of cockroach homicide!) two more sprays and it was on it back, all of its 6 legs scratching the air frantically in a horrified attempt to get up again and run.
knowing it wasnt going to move very far now, i squatted down and slowly sprayed some more insecticide over it, as if i was painting my nails or something. its feelers got pinned to the floor by the heavy fluid, and it’s movement slowed somewhat, but it still thrashed around violently to get back on its legs.
with the can of insectide still clutched to my chest, i squatted there, outside my bathroom, and stared at the dying cockroach for the longest time. sort of like when you stare straight at yourself in the mirror and you cant really recognize yourself for some strange reason and so you keep on staring as if caught in some incomprehensible trance. yeah. that was how i stared at the cockroach. just staring and staring without really thinking or absorbing anything.
when i was 12, i had a tortoise that fell onto its back while trying to climb up a rock in its aquarium. seeing that, i hurriedly went over and set it back on its cute little feet again so it could have another chance trying to climb the rock again. i could have done the same for the cockroach.. but because it was a cockroach and not a tortoise, i didnt. and so the cockroach died.
i watched its desperate movements grow less and less furious, as it began to lose its consciousness to the fumes of the insecticide. to me, the smell was just mildly irritating and only slightly pricked at the back of my throat, but it was probably strangling the cockroach and making its beady eyes feel like it was popping out of their sockets. for a brief moment i thought i could almost feel its suffering. in a passive way. in the form of words but not empathy. then i fell back into my void of trancelike staring.
after it died i felt like maybe i shouldnt have killed it.
Entry Filed under: General
Add New Comment
Viewing 19 Comments
Thanks. Your comment is awaiting approval by a moderator.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Do you already have an account? Log in and claim this comment.
Add New Comment
Trackbacks