back so soon?

January 3rd, 2006

you went away for 7 years. it’s been so long.

all that’s left in my memory of you is a grey fuzz that looks strangely like television static — carries no meaning, with that annoying metallic sound that’s always there in the background of my everyday life. that sound that crawls like a man-made snake into my dreams and pulls me by my ankles, down down down to earth until i wake up and remember.

now that you’re back. you cant just waltz back into my life and expect me to fall into you like my past 7 years were not spent alone. you cant. i wont. i should but i wont. you never did what you should have, and in my defiance i hope you find the strength and the humility to say that you’re sorry. because till then all that you say and do will make no difference. we’ve lived long enough without you.

i went into your room and it was suffocatingly warm and the bitterthick envelope of medicine was in the air. your own’s or the doctor’s? perhaps both. weak and fatigued, you looked like a lost doll who had been dropped on the ground and forgotten. i know now that it’s definitely your own. but you arent sorry still. in fact you dont think you’re very wrong at all. you go on to blame us, like it’s our fault things are not going your way. are we supposed to give you the title of something you’ve never been? we’re not a game, we’re not a hobby. we’re not something you can get tired of and just drop in favour of more exciting things. our hearts break too.

God works in such strange ways. i never thought something like this would be possible but. it’s happening. and i would never have thought of this way out in a million years. nothing like a good reality slap. glory be to God. you do listen to my prayers after all.

i crawled into your bed and lied down next to you but you never once warmed up. what does it take? if you held my hand i’d pull away. if i held yours you’d yell at me. in the end, you yelled at me and i pulled away. and cried, and left. i shut the green door behind me and just fell into a dreamless sleep.

what does it take?

i’ll know in 9 months.

Entry Filed under: Unsent Letters