Emo Me

i know i’m Chinese, but i already cant use chopsticks the right way nor speak Chinese ultra fluently either. so i will say this. i hate Chinese New Year. because the weeks that lead up to it makes me fat. there’s this freakin array of CNY cookies and tarts in my house, and i cant stop eating em. i’m not even safe in my friends’ houses — they’ve all got the same array too, and some houses MORE than mine. and why the heck does the yuk korn (barbequed meat) taste so damn good?!

3kgs and counting. stop telling me i’m fat, i already know it. hmph. at least i’m well-fed and i’ve got yummy food, so there, you anorexic bishes.

anyway i dont know if anyone realized this, but only until recently, my webcam has been on the blink for about half a year or so. i kinda fixed it 2 weeks ago (i swear i dont know what i did right), and now it’s back, yay! so the thing is, i remember telling myself that if i ever get my webcam back — was convinced it would never revive — i would do one of those Eric Conveys An Emotion thingies, just for the heck of it, and of course to quell my narcissistic tendences but i’m not gonna admit that last one.

before i begin let me just say that i do not claim to be as entertaining as Eric, because that dude is an absolute genius and i come nowhere close. i only draw inspiration from him. (in other words, i totally copied him, ekeke)

so, presenting.. Pinkpau Conveys An Emotion!

32 comments January 20th, 2006

Top 10 Famous Parallel Parking Partners Of Choice

yes, i watched the Golden Globe Awards and no, it was not the 8am one. i ended up watching the midnight re-run because i fell asleep at 7.30am. sob :(

so after being treated to a yummy 3-hour show of living, breathing eye-candy in dashing suits and glitzy gowns (which is more than i can say for Drew Barrymore — girl, what the *hell* were you thinking!), and today coincidentally being one of those days where my ovaries and ptuitary gland are waging war on my body (and general wellbeing of everyone around me) … i am now feeling a little bit strange. never mind what kind of strange, but strange enough to prance around my house in my underwear singing I Just Wanna Live by Good Charlotte at the top of my lungs. complete with the dance moves. and i think i may just wake my parents up if i continue to deal with my sexual frustrations this way — besides it’s never good for your father to catch you in your underwear — so i have decided on channeling my ardour into something less dangerous.

without further ado, here are the Top 10 Male Celebrities I Wouldn’t Mind Parallel Parking With, if you know what i mean.

24 comments January 18th, 2006

10 Types Of People I Do Not Understand

1. The Annoying People On Friendster

yes, you know the type. they are the ones who add you as a ‘friend’ even though they dont know you. i suspect the victims of Annoying People On Friendster (APOF) are preyed upon because they are in possession of boobage and are armed with the notable ability of taking kawaii pictures of themselves from a downward angle coupled with a strategically-placed peace sign next to their cheek. either that or all APOF think that girls who write “hUh?~ wHaT iS tHiSzsszs~~~” under Affiliations are too dense to realize that they arent actually acquainted with said APOF. oh well, whatever works.

these people get even more annoying when they message you with a ‘hi, can i know u ar? u are very sexy. my name is Tommy-chai and my number is 012-#######. call me when you free ok!’ not once, not twice, but 38403985 times until you get pissed and tell them to fck off for flooding your inbox. and then they message you another 28940385 times to apologize for flooding your inbox. then you find out that they’ve rightclick-saved your pics and uploaded them to their own profile with the caption ‘this is my hot and sexy girlfriend, hands off guys!’. riiight, okay. is this after the 39th time your request for Friend Authorization has been denied, or just the 38th?

i dont get it. Add Friend means you must add your friends, right? why simply go around adding ppl you dunno? very cool issit now, you got 16 accounts full of people that you dont even know? yea lah got all the lengluis and all the Singapore Top Models or whatever, but who are you kidding, nobody really believes that you know all those chicks ok?

2. People On Friendster Who Don’t Add Strangers But Actually Do

“hi, this is a friends-only account so please dont add me unless you know me kthxbai”. okay how many times do we see this line under People I Would Like To Meet? i have lost count of the number of strangers who have that line in their profile yet have taken the liberty to add me up anyway. “but i dont know you,” my message reads. their reply? “it’s okay, Friendster is for making friends!” yes, sure it is, you hypocritical face-saving little bitch with 16 Friendster accounts!

3. Old Men

i dont understand some old men. if you are well in your 30’s and happily married why do you want me to meet up with you at a hotel? that’s just sick. i’m a minor and you’re twice my age. dont kid me, dont kid yourself, dont kid your wife. also dont request nude pics of me while you’re at it. i mean, come on, we’re supposed to be friends. dont pretend to be all buddy-buddy with me, buy me nice things, sweet-talk me and then expect me to get in bed with you at the end of the day. i may be young but i’m not stupid. try another girl, perhaps.

if i were in my 30’s, i wouldnt even go near any girl who’s aged below 20. would YOU? quick, tell me guys, if you were in your 30’s would you chat up a girl who’s below 20? what will your reasons be?

4. People Who Remain In Abusive Relationships

if he hits you, you should walk out.

though i know it’s not always that simple for all cases, but the ones i do know of are not really all that complicated. just walk out. why is it so difficult? quit with all the histrionics about how you cant live without so-and-so. that’s what they all say. you gotta read some Nicholas Sparks. and start loving yourself, baby. life goes on. and it should not involve being physically abused by someone whom you claim loves you just as much as you love him.

5. My Classmates

wah, this one no need for me to elaborate i think. i’ve been bitching about this my whole life.

6. Forum Trolls

hey who ever gets these people? over at RBJ, we just had another one of those idiots who went around picking bones with everybody and just being plain rude while trying to start ‘intelligent debates’. she got so many debate threads locked up (sorry, no exact figure, i lost count) and so many people riled up that she was banned within 24 hours. all this while under anonymity, of course.

what’s the point, really? you sign up at a discussion forum, bellyache and cause ruckus, everyone hates you … and then what? does this fulfill some warped attention-seeking need deep inside of you? what do you get at the end of the day? the justification to your freakishly insane smirks behind the computer screen because you “BURNNNNEEEED!” a few forum admins and moderators? is it very accomplishing to know that you’ve single-handedly managed to make a few people lose their cool? oh, ameliesavatar, you are so influential.

7. Blog Police

okay i’m sure we all know the Xiaxue and The Handicapped Toilets uproar. and the Xiaxue and Kuala Lumpur Sucks uproar. and the Xiaxue and the B-word uproar. and the Xiaxue and The Endorsements uproar. and of course the very latest Xiaxue and Xialanxue uproar! (i admit, i follow all her controversies wan. i cant help it, it’s addictive)

so of course a lot of bloggers (particularly the malaysian ones) are a bit annoyed at her because the last time she came up to KL she completely dissed our city and it’s people and then strutted back to singapore claiming that all malaysia’s good for is the shoes. so when bloggers are annoyed, what do bloggers do? of course they bitch about it on their blog, becauseeeeee ‘what, cannot ar, it’s MY blog okay?! if you dont like then dont read!’

so after said bitching has been done and the comment box is open for commenting, we get all these people accusing said bloggers of leeching traffic off the whole debacle.

:O

i mean have you ever heard anything so stupid. some of these bloggers dont even need the extra traffic. what’s another 200 to a teeming tracker-count of 5000+ a day? it’s almost miscellaneous. i swear, this whole accusation thing feels like some … blogreaders way of making themselves feel important. like wah, you reading my blog because of the whole Xiaxue and Handicapped Toilets issue is SUCH AN HONOUR! can i praise the Lord and give thanks to the issue because it brought me more oh-so-wondrous traffic, ie you?!

then of course there are those fellas who comment things like ‘hey why dont you leave xiaxue alone? that is her blog ok! freedom of speech! freedom of speech!’. and then such remarks are always followed by the famous ‘hypocrite! if she can say what she wants then so can i’ line that is 2nd only to the ‘if you dont like then please click the little x on the upper right corner of your browser kthxbai!’ line, which in this time and age of blogging politics has almost become a mantra for most of us, sob sob.

can you people dont be so weird? sometimes when people blog, it’s not entirely for traffic. get over yourselves, you .. you .. traffic!

8. People Who Date Moneysuckers

sorry babe, she dont love you for you.

9. Stalkers

okay this i really want to know. when a person follows a girl from behind for a whole day, from the moment she leaves her house till the moment she goes back home, does that person not feel in the least bit CREEPY?! stalkers are weird. we all know that. it is a fact. you cannot just follow people around and try to take upskirt photos without being deemed a freaky person whom the cops should be called on. so why do people stalk people and behave like it’s the most normal thing on earth to do? i mean i understand why people stalk, but why do they not find anything wrong with doing it?!

10. Malaysian Police

sorry lah, i must for this one occasion throw away my goggles of blind patriotism. ugh no matter how many times they behave like arrogant stuck up anal-retentive assholes whilst asking for bribes, i can never bring myself to get over the audacity of our police. why cant they do their job with honesty? is it that hard? does the fact that they are our country’s law enforcers by occupation mean anything to them? are roadblocks all they live for? such scum. i spit on them.

33 comments January 16th, 2006

siigh

when days are as shitty as the one i just had today, i’m thankful for the little perks like midnight dim sum with the awesomest guy ever.

i’ve been awfully melancholic lately. no matter what i do i can’t jilt myself out of this jaded state. from the moment i wake up till the moment i sleep, i’m just one big blank of sadness. even my dreams are getting dismal. i can’t laugh anymore without it having the slightest hint of phony. “i’m okay, i feel better now” is beginning to sound very profuse, to me and to the people i say it to.

sometimes i cant help but feel like i’m drowning in the realization that things are too vast. probabilities too abundant. i’m not even treading any water here. this feeling of not being able to oversee anything is frankly very frustrating. the control freak in me wants out.

i dont really know what i want to say. am just so sad about a lot of things right now.

January 14th, 2006

Closer

a review of an excellent movie i watched the other day.

Closer
starring : Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen

the moment the movie started, The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice played, and i instantly fell in love with the movie even before it began.

it’s a story of 4 strangers who meet and collide into each other’s lives in the strangest ways — Dan, an aspiring novelist, meets Alice Ayres, a free spirit who escaped from New York to London on a whim. she gets hit by a cab because she looked the wrong way before she crossed, and he rushes her to the hospital in his arms. they immediately hit it off — he’s so enraptured by her zest and she just needs someone to need her.

some time later, Dan writes a novel that is to be published soon, and he is sent to Anna, who will photograph him for his novel jacket. he falls for her instantly, and for a few moments she reciprocates but sound-mindedness holds her back. on the same day, Anna is introduced to Alice who is now Dan’s girlfriend, and she photographs Alice in a very sad and jarring moment when she is crying — and this photograph later makes it’s way into Anna’s portfolio of Portraits of Strangers.

in a sex chatroom, Dan comes across a physician named Larry who just wants some quick cyber fun. Dan masquerades as a girl, and they both partake in a raunchy e-discourse which ends with Dan asking Larry to meet him at the London Aquarium so that they may adjourn to a hotel later. Larry agrees, but as chance would have it, he bumps into Anna at the aquarium, thinking that she’s the hot woman he was scoring with over the internet. she politely tells him no, she does not wank to horny strangers nor plead with them to wear her wet knickers. he’s embarassed, but they go out for a stroll anyway. they hit it off, and ta da, fall in love.

a year later, Anna has an exhibition for her Portraits of Strangers — one of those classy artsy things attended by the beautiful people who want to see beautiful art. Dan comes with Alice, and is devastated to find that Anna is now attached. in front of a huge blow-up of her own photo, Alice stands alone smoking a cig until Larry approaches her and asks her what she thinks of her own portrait. they converse briefly, and then Alice leaves.

so our 2 heroes and 2 heroines now make up a most peculiar crossroad. we are fast-forwarded to a year later where Anna is now married to Larry, and Dan is longing to break free from Alice who despite all her sweetness is terribly clingy. in a quiet confession from Anna to Larry, we find out that she and Dan have been having an affair all this while. across town, Dan is telling Alice the same thing. Larry bursts into a fit of anger and demands from Anna all the sordid details of her secret sex life, whereas Alice pulls a ‘you cant leave me, because i’m leaving you first’, runs out the door, and vanishes from Dan’s life.

a few months later, Larry bumps into Alice who is now a stripper. they go into a room where she performs for him, and out of the blue and totally randomly, he tells her he loves her. she behaves tantalizingly coy, just like when they first met in front of her portrait at the exhibition a year ago. a bitter man now, he scorns her vulgar occupation — snarling that strippers adopt stage-names to hide their shame, to pretend to be someone else. mocking her, he asks her repeatedly for her real name while throwing cash at her each time, to which she insists over and over again that her name is ‘plain Jane Jones’.

fast forward some more, and we are brought to a moment where Larry arranges a meeting with Anna to tell her that he will only sign the divorce papers if she has sex with him one last time. she reluctantly agrees, but only if he promises to leave her and Dan alone after that. they do the deed — and later on Dan, in an epiphanic moment, smells this on her and throws a fit. they argue, and Dan accuses Anna of being a coward cos she succumbed to Larry’s threat.

another jump — Larry and a desperate Dan face-off in Larry’s office. Anna has apparently left Dan to go back to Larry, and Larry is now behaving like an extremely arrogant cat who ate the canary. Dan is distraught, frantic, and begs for Larry to give Anna back to him. Larry instead prescribes him the address of the nightclub that Alice works at, and tells him to go look for her. Larry’s last words to Dan are, ‘I fucked Alice’.. and on that note, Dan leaves to look for her.

we find out that a year later, Larry and Anna are very comfortably settled in their marriage without Dan or Alice to intrude. somewhere far away, Dan and Alice are in a hotel room, cuddling and horsing around, until their conversation arrives on the topic of Anna and Larry. things turn sour when Dan demands to know if Alice ever had sex with Larry, even though he already knows the truth. she lies and says no, afraid he wouldnt forgive her, but he calls her bluff. they argue, and their screaming is almost congruent to the fight between Larry and Anna when he wanted to know the details of her sex life with Dan. upon provocation from Alice, Dan slaps Alice hard across the face .. and the movie ends with Alice flying back to New York alone. there, to airport security she flashes her passport, the one she would never show Dan, and on it, we see that her name is Jane Rachel Jones.

this movie is amazing in so many ways. it addresses human desires and the love we are always searching for, not directly but in the form of strangers, who are all possibilities and paths we have yet to cross. “try lying for a change, it’s the currency of the world”, a line brilliantly executed by Dan reminds us all how today we dive into our relationships all full of lies. all the infidelity going on in the movie further serves to underscore that. truth in a relationship is almost sparse and when it does appear it only serves to hurt both parties. the only time anyone is ever honest by choice in the movie is when Alice tells Larry her real name is Jane Jones, only ironically he does not believe her.

where is the truth? Dan, a writer, turns the worst of people into angels with the use of his magnificent euphemisms in their orbituaries. Anna, a photographer, captures sad people crying in melancholic moments only to turn it into something that’s ‘art’, so beautiful to the eye but we never really recognize the sadness behind the beauty. Larry, a dermatologist, only concerned with repairing everything on the surface and leaving everything beneath it damaged just so long as the veneer is fine. Alice, a stripper, who never tells lies but lives a lie, reveals her true self only when she is stripped down to the bone in front of strangers.

when we run away from things and from people we love, is there ever a need for a facade? why are we who we are only when we’re not part of someone else?

20 comments January 12th, 2006