Archive for January, 2006
okay i think i’ve decided what i want to do in college. (though i’m still open to more dissuasion if you honestly believe i’m making a bad choice and you sincerely want to help poor ol me)
i’m gonna major in advertising.
minor in psychology.
question is, ADP Mass Comm or .. Diploma in Mass Comm? do advise and tell me all that you know about either course if you’ve already been down this road before!!!
and if you dont have any advice to dispense (bish), here are some pics of funny menus in a Hong Kong restaurant that julian sent me. sometimes i just dont get it. surely there must be SOMEONE in the business who can tell that “fuck to fry the cow river” should notttttttt be on a menu?! why dont they check with english-speaking people or relatives before printing the menus?! when customers point out that their menu is just weird, why dont they do anything about it?
or is it all just one big marketing gimmick? hmm!
January 10th, 2006
i mentioned before that i hate wasting time. that’s perhaps one of the most defining things about me, even though i procrastinate a lot and sometimes indulge in giving myself a few hours a week to ‘waste’ — just simply lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling or mindlessly flipping thru whatever girly-mag i have lying on the floor.
then after i do that i mentally kick myself for wasting perfectly good time that could have been devoted to something more productive.
i know, it’s so weird, this machine-like go-do-something obsessive compulsion. it gets especially bad during the times i’ve got a project going on, or whenever there are major exams, or just something to complete that needs to meet a looming deadline. those are the times i barely breathe, and my mind is but one-tracked : finish finish finish.
but however insane my schedule, however little time i have left, no matter how late i am to meet a friend who’s been waiting for two hours, i never ever compromise my shower time.
haha! :D
i love taking showers. it’s the ultimate destressant, and even sleep cant beat this one for me. whenever i’m having a bad day, i just want to go home and take a shower. it’s almost therapeutic — that feeling of standing under hot running water, closing your eyes, and just letting the water seep into you. feeling the warmth as it envelopes around you tightly. i swear there’s something Freudian about this.
everytime i need to think, i take a shower. i’ll sit cross-legged on the blue tiles with my chin in my palm and just think away while the water pours on from above. sometimes i sit in there up to an hour until i finally reach a conclusion to my dilemmas.. and when i do, it feels like the best conclusion i’ve ever reached or the best decision i ever made.
i mean come on now, you cant tell me you dont like showers. the sensation of having warm water run through your scalp and soaking your hair, onto your close eyelids, down your neck and onto your shoulders all the way downnnnnn past every inch of your skin — it’s as if it’s carrying with it all your troubles and leaving in its wake a very sensual glow of comfortable vulnerability. i love it.
when i cry in the shower it feels less painful too, for some odd reason. crying in my bed under the covers gives me such a sense of loneliness, and desperation, because it’s just me in the quiet stillness of my room. my sobs just sound so much more amplified and makes it sound like a corean horror movie soundtrack is playing within the walls. needless to say i shut up pretty quickly and thus never really get to let out all the frustration. but crying in the shower is different. the noise of the water as it hits the tiles and the roar of the shower’s blast in your ears just makes you feel less alone. and more insignificant somehow. which is good for the times you want to just melt away into nothingness.
edit: okay show’s over .. :D
January 8th, 2006
it’s been close to a full year since my last serious (how serious does it get at 17 anyway?), stable long-term relationship. and i cant say that i’m griping about it.
in the past 11 months — less than that if you exclude the mandatory post-breakup attachment period — i’ve been having a lot of no-strings-attached fun, and i’m liking it a lot more than having a significant other that i have to check back with every 10 minutes or so. ‘true love’ and all that seems so faraway now and almost chidlishly idealistic. i’ve always known that this day would come, this day where my cynicism would start to eat away at all my seemingly utopian notions that are so centered around love and romance.
you know, the day i finally grow up.
earlier, i’d just finished watching America’s Next Top Model on Astro and it was very quiet once i turned off the tv. i got up and went to the kitchen to make myself a steaming warm mug of Milo, and then i went back to the couch. i sat down and looked around. and for a moment it all felt so weird. like some kind of deja-vu, but the opposite of it.
my couch has seen many guys. guys who usually make me my Milo after we plough through DVDs on my player. guys who give me backrubs and foot massages while i sit there and giggle. i’ve kissed all these guys. and even if only for a short while, they’ve all been a part of my life.
so i’m left asking myself, how come they havent been all that significant?
i’ve only had like maybe 3 ’serious’ relationships, with the longest lasting up to two years. and now that they’re all over, i realize that there wasnt really much to any of them. save for the initial early months, there was no spark, no fireworks, no life, no nothing in all of em. if i were to take out my diary from the past 5 years and read it i will find that nothing really jumps out at me and tells me that this particular relationship was a spectacular one that took my breath away.
it’s the same with the flings — meet up, kiss kiss, shopping, dinner, movies, kiss kiss, sweet nothings, okayy thanks bye. i cant think of any of them that really meant anything. i mean yes i know they’re not supposed to, but i dont even feel the need to call them up to say hi or anything. and that’s really quite sad.
people always ask why i havent gotten another boyfriend in the past few months. at first i thought, yea, stupid me, why havent i? why not just go steady at any given moment instead of fooling around and making my mom worry so much? but then i always answer my own question — because i think it’s a waste of time. i seriously hate wasting time no matter what reason it’s for, but that’s a blogpost for another day. okay lah i will be honest and say that a few of my past relationships i deem a complete and utter waste of my time, his time and my feelings. each time i emerged out of said relationships, i had always felt like i wanted to rip and crawl out of my skin, and curse myself for carelessly investing into nothing all those weeks or months or years that i will never ever get back now.
i donno. i think there’s a newly-grown bone in my body that says not to commit until i find someone who’s right for me, you know? and seeing how i’m so freakin picky, i will most probably never get married now, but .. yea a girl can still hope to find her One amidst all the fish in the sea :)
now who makes The Right One? i have a superficial list in the back of my head that i tattle off to people who ask. romantic, sweet, sensitive, intellectual, witty, deep, blablabla and a cute butt wouldnt hurt too. but really. let me tell you who he is ..
he has eyes so so deep that you could fall into them. they’re delicately framed with long eyelashes and are so much like windows of void that you feel just the slightest bit of vertigo everytime you stare into them. he has a strong defined jawline that clenches slightly when he’s angry. the subtlest hint of facial hair that’s so ticklishly cute when he kisses you. large hands with long fingers that find the right places on your body without any effort at all. dark hair that kisses the collar of shirt so endearingly, dark curly hair that makes you want to fall asleep in it.
pale lips that form an o of languid desire when you kiss him. eyebrows that knit together in uncertainty. the finest wrinkles at the corners of his eyes that tell tales of past experiences. a sharp nose. the smell of cologne.
when you dont call for a few days, he gets upset but tries not to show it. when he sees you laughing and being held by other guys, he gets upset but does not exert his authority over you. he sulks a little bit, but really just wants you to come home with him at the end of the day and wrap him in your arms in a big bear hug and a cute pout on your face that says i’m sorry, and it’s all really enough for him.
when he lies next to you, he doesnt sleep until you do. and when you finally do, he props himself up ever so slightly and watches you with curious, gentle eyes as you sleep. when you smile in your sleep, he smiles and touches you lightly with the back of his hand. when you talk and when you frown and when you toss and turn in your sleep, he gets wildly afraid and tries to comfort you back to peaceful slumber without waking you up. he listens to the sound of your breathing and thinks its the most magical thing he can ever hear, and he wants to loop it around his fingers and twirl them over and over again. then he kisses your neck and he falls asleep next to you.
he writes heartfelt poetry about you that he keeps hidden away in his notebook. those poems dont rhyme and they are dripping raw with his love for you and that’s the exact reason why he will never show them to you. he doesnt mention you in his friendster profile but he writes a song there and really, it’s all about you but of course you dont know, because it’s just another song from one of the stupid bands he listens to.
in his wallet he keeps a photo of you that he stole from your desk while you were in the shower. you always thought you lost that photo but it was hidden in the depths of his heart all this while. it’s a photo of you when you were just growing up, looking pretty awkward but still so beautiful in his eyes. to him, the hot photos of you in that little tube top taken at the club and the pictures you take of yourself in his car are no match for this one photo. this one photo stored secretly in his wallet that he takes out to look at every time you both have a fight.
he dreams of marrying you while he watches you pick out furniture for your new home. mentally, he makes notes of all the types of furniture you like so he knows what to get when you really do get married. then he slaps himself for thinking such lame thoughts. you’re such a pussy, he thinks to himself, and he’s so embarassed about it but really, deep down inside you are his wife.
sometimes when you argue, he knows you’re wrong but lets you win because he cant bear to see you cry. he buys you pretty flowers for no reason and sends them to you at school without a card. he loves it when you wear that lacey knee length white skirt because in it you look so beautiful. when he holds you he’s afraid to break you. and he wants to kiss you all the time. but will you get tired of his kisses?
he’s someone so unpredictable that you cant really read him no matter how hard you try. he goes into fits of anger and you never really understand why, but that’s why you wake up feeling like you want to learn something new about him everyday. he’s soft spoken, introverted yet extroverted, and he never shares his problems with anybody. he sees things in the strangest of ways but they are so refreshingly different. he’s artistic. he’s quiet. he’s a good listener.
and for some unexplainable reason, he’s the only one person you ever loved whom you love to take photographs of. when he’s sleeping amongst your white sheets, when he looks up at you from his guitar, when he turns around at the coffee pot, when he’s driving with his sunglasses on, when he falls asleep while tanning on the beach .. you cant help but take photographs of him. those polaroids that mean forever. you just want to. and you dont know why.
i think when i meet the one i want to love, it will be after i realize i cant stop taking photographs of him. i’ve never dated anyone whom i actually wanted to take photographs of.
January 6th, 2006
i’ve been on holiday for a little more than 2 weeks now, and i am LOVING it. i get to sleep as long as i want, i get to leave my clothes all over the floor, i get to hog my brother’s pc as well as the remote, and i get to boss everybody around. what? i’m on holiday, ok? my sunday school teacher said people on holiday can do anything they want, so there.
so what i’ve been doing lately is reading a lot (just finished The Lovely Bones, work of Alice Sebold. gooooooood shit), catching up with long-lost friends who are coming back from abroad bearing all sorts of gifts like GODIVA!, shopping shopping shopping (Zara’s autumn/winter range was so disappointing) like there’s no tomorrow, taking a lot of photos, using MSN more than usual, playing DotA and just plain .. indulging. i love that world. indulge. even just saying the word makes me tingle. ooh i’m such a hedonist.
i have however yet to do two things - baking and watching movies.
and because my oven has been having permanent PMS ever since the time my brothers tried to microwave a frozen pizza that was still in its box, the former is out of the question unless i want to risk burning my house down. watching movies, therefore, is of course the more preferred option. hee, i even did up a list of DVD’s i wanna buy and watch! you wanna see? i know you do. i dont care if you dont wanna, imma show you anyway :
1. The Wedding Crashers
2. Serendipity
3. When Harry Met Sally
4. The Family Stone
5. Corpse Bride
6. The Princess Bride
7. The Island
8. Fight Club
9. The Machinist
10. Memento
11. 40 Year Old Virgin
12. Brokeback Mountain
13. Must Love Dogs
14. Exorcism of Emily Rose
15. Kung Fu Hustle
16. The Shawshank Redemption
17. Sin City
18. The Sixth Sense
19. I Am Sam
20. Lost In Translation
21. The Usual Suspects
22. Being John Malkovich
23. My Sassy Girl
24. Sideways
tada! extensive list, no? (let me know if it should be longer or if there are some movies up there not worth watching :) i’d like to hear) gahhhhhh. i cant wait to go get them dvd’s and begin my new life as Girl In Starchy Clothes Forever Glued To Television With Can Of Pringles In Hand. has a nice ring to it, no? yes i know. anyone wanna join me? i’ll share my pringles if you buy me coke.
most of my friends have started college yesterday, or are starting today, or next week. you poor things!!!!! i will bum a little extra just for all of you, okay? and for the kelian souls who have to go back to high school, tsk tsk tsk. *shakes head* i will eat a pringle for you.
as for me, i dont actually know when i’m gonna start college. i’m still in that whole masscomm/psychology dilemma. yesterday i took an online quiz and it told me i should major in Theater. wtf! i’ve actually considered it in the past. man, please dont give me anymore options to add to my mental List Of Decisions Left To Make :( a Libran can only take so much.
ahhhh. until january ends, i’m just going to bum. i slogged for so long during SPM (yer, even saying the word is so weird now), i deserve at least two months of R&R. and all you old people who are already rolling your eyes and thinking, “slog wat slog hah? SPM very difficult meh now?!”, shaddup please or else i wont share my pringles with you.
you know how you folks have been saying it would be nicer to have a pic of myself up there ^^^^ instead of Elisha Cuthbert? well, i disagree with you. i dont think a huge 690×200 photo of myself would look very good up there, as compared to the likes of the gorgeous Elisha Cuthbert. i think all it would serve to do is scare all my readers away, and maybe even my friends :( the cam image is just enough arghness to set a nice balance to the layout of this site, i believe! so yes, no, i dont agree with you ppl.
but then the talented Dr Scott went and did a very lovely drawing of me in the above pose. it’s so nice!!! it’s so nice that i actually did consider using his drawing as my blogheader. so much so that i actually opened up Photoshop and coloured in the pic @_@ or well, for about 15 minutes actually, until i realized that my colouring was doing the drawing absolutely no justice. plus it’s very weird to stare at yourself on the screen while putting e-blusher on your e-skin.
here’s a thumbnail of the pic :
cool, isnt it? :D you know it is.
January 4th, 2006
you went away for 7 years. it’s been so long.
all that’s left in my memory of you is a grey fuzz that looks strangely like television static — carries no meaning, with that annoying metallic sound that’s always there in the background of my everyday life. that sound that crawls like a man-made snake into my dreams and pulls me by my ankles, down down down to earth until i wake up and remember.
now that you’re back. you cant just waltz back into my life and expect me to fall into you like my past 7 years were not spent alone. you cant. i wont. i should but i wont. you never did what you should have, and in my defiance i hope you find the strength and the humility to say that you’re sorry. because till then all that you say and do will make no difference. we’ve lived long enough without you.
i went into your room and it was suffocatingly warm and the bitterthick envelope of medicine was in the air. your own’s or the doctor’s? perhaps both. weak and fatigued, you looked like a lost doll who had been dropped on the ground and forgotten. i know now that it’s definitely your own. but you arent sorry still. in fact you dont think you’re very wrong at all. you go on to blame us, like it’s our fault things are not going your way. are we supposed to give you the title of something you’ve never been? we’re not a game, we’re not a hobby. we’re not something you can get tired of and just drop in favour of more exciting things. our hearts break too.
God works in such strange ways. i never thought something like this would be possible but. it’s happening. and i would never have thought of this way out in a million years. nothing like a good reality slap. glory be to God. you do listen to my prayers after all.
i crawled into your bed and lied down next to you but you never once warmed up. what does it take? if you held my hand i’d pull away. if i held yours you’d yell at me. in the end, you yelled at me and i pulled away. and cried, and left. i shut the green door behind me and just fell into a dreamless sleep.
what does it take?
i’ll know in 9 months.
January 3rd, 2006
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