What I Want

February 6th, 2006

i wanted to write a post about my relationships, one titled ‘How I Love’, but i changed my mind halfway through writing it. on a whim, i just erased the whole post without copying it, and now i’ve kinda already forgotten what it was about. an ex-boyf called to go out for drinks earlier, and i wanted to go, but i said no anyway. my phone’s mere movements away from me, and i could just reach out and text my best friend to ask her how she’s doing, and i want to cos i havent seen her properly in ages, but i wont because she’s a bitch. but i want to text her, to either tell her straight up she’s being an impalpable pain in the ass, or to say hey, let’s work things out. i also want to end this .. particular thing in my life right now, but i can’t because i dont know if it’s going to be good for me. i want to do psychology but people keep saying i’m making a bad choice. i want to send in my name for a public speaking competition that’s taking place in a few weeks but i cant because i’m not enrolled in any college. so i want to enrol in Taylors like this friday, but i’m just … apprehensive about the whole thing.

sometimes i dont know what i want if everything i want is going to have a ‘but..’ label attached to it.

i think i need to stop listening to other people’s opinions. i need to stop arguing with myself and i need to stop drawing up those mental pros-and-cons lists in my head. why am i being so cautious anyway? i never used to be like that. the old me would have jumped headlong into all of those things up there without ever really thinking twice. i guess after all this while i’ve seen the negative repercussions of that kind of decision-making, and sorta switched to being a safer person, but what the flying fuck, ’safe’ is fucking boring.

i’m just really annoyed at the way my life is moving right now. everything is too right, everything is too going-according-to-plan. it’s haphazard, yes, but in a way that i already know it’s going to be haphazard. i took a sabbatical from my sabbatical yesterday, and just chilled out alone at starbucks with a good book and a good macchiato after a good workout, and the whole day was just nice but i KNEW it was going to be nice. and then the other day i went out with an old friend to catch a movie, and i thought it was going to be fun but he turned out to be one of the most irritating people i’ve ever met. i didnt know he was going to be like that, but in an odd way it was all just so predictable. all this…. this.. ENNUI. i cant fucking stand it. i’m so edgy right now i’m like a scared rabbit. just take me away and throw me in the arms of someone who can give me what i want.

pleaseeeee.

Entry Filed under: Musings