All that you leave behind

February 16th, 2006

people who have told me that i’m going to be bored with a 5-month holiday before starting college; okay, i give up, you’re right, i’m bored already.

i’m just tired of the routine. the predictability. the monotony. i’m dozing off even as i write this. the tedium is one thing, but the frustration is another. my life is just screwing up unbelievably right now, things are going haywire, and i dont know how to fix it at all. i’m not sure if i even should, or if i should just let things be and let them automatically repair themselves, like one of those robo-dogs that jerkily do a compulsory back-flip after every 3 mechanical steps.

for a while now i’ve wanted to take a breather. just to get away from it all, go elsewhere, climb a mountain, swim the english channel, eat a chicken’s foot, whatever. as long as i’m far far away from any face that i can put a name to and any place i can connect a memory with. it’s sickening, this discomfort with what i’ve become and what i know. and i plan to rid myself of this nauseating sensation that threatens to choke me every time i wake up and see the familiar sight of the ceiling staring down at me.

so i’ve decided to do something about it.

last month, i applied for college on a whim.

to Canada.

yea, Canada. and i got in.

my flight is in a few hours, and my ride to the airport will be here in about 15 minutes. my suitcases are all packed, i’ve got Velocity by Dean Koontz to accompany me on the flight, and my room’s gonna be locked up when i leave. i’ll be gone for 4 years, or maybe 5, depending - and the parents are distraught. they keep asking me whether i’m making the right decision, and my mom occasionally pleads with me to change my mind .. but honestly, i think this is what i want. to study somewhere far away, in a place i dont recognise, with people whose accents i’ll probably take a while to adjust to, with strange food, culture shock. a clean slate, a white room, where no one knows anything about who i used to be. this is exactly what i want.

and for those who’re wondering, yes i finally picked Psychology. i hope to maybe specialise in Social Psych, but i’ll pick my major when i get to that bridge. right now i’m just trying to wipe all traces of doubt from my mind. leaving malaysia is good. leaving malaysia is good. i want this. i want this. i want this.

i’m sorry i told no one but a select few about this. i was just .. i dont know, confused, and maybe just a small part of me thought i would change my mind before today arrived. but i didn’t, and now i’m leaving. i probably won’t even blog anymore- once i settle down in canada and find some cyber cafe, i’ll shut quaintly.net down. cos if i’m gonna strip myself of my life over here, i think the blog should go too.

so .. yes, i guess it’s a goodbye for now. i’m not even sure about spending my school holidays back here - right now i’m feeling like i dont ever want to come back, but when the time comes i will probably be too homesick to stay so far away for such a long time. 5 years. will i really be able to hold out?

……….

hehe no lah. bluff you all only. i’m just going to Bangkok for a few days to catch Oasis, Snow Patrol, Stereophonics and Franz Ferdinand in concert. LIVE, baby! i can’t wait. i will be one of those mad bra-flinging groupies in the middle of the moshpit, screaming ‘SNOW PATROL, I LOVE YOU!’ in some crazy trance-like stupor, you just wait and see.

did i have you guys up there? kekeke i hope i did. because it means i will ace creative writing class, if i ever sign up for any. so anyway yes, absolutely nothing above the “…….” is true except that i AM leaving in a few hours, and that i DO have Velocity by Dean Koontz in my backpack for inflight reading material.

righto. so see y’all in a few days!!! much love from me.

Entry Filed under: Musings

Viewing 40 Comments