Intimacy

March 20th, 2006

intimacy is, to me, the steady breathing of my loved one in the crook of my neck as he sleeps and dreams. the sensation of his exhalation as it hits and reflects off my skin, it strangely makes me feel needed. like i’m here for a purpose. and it makes me feel loved, in a comfortable way, that he would never be able to exhibit if he were awake and even if he tried hard enough.

when he’s awake and when we’re both up and busy, i always feel that i dont need his love. i dont need his time. i dont need his anything. but times like these. when it’s quiet and cold and my mind is racing, i discover how much i really yearn for things that i thought i had pushed away. these are moments i cherish because it is when i know who i really am. this feeling… i can only describe it as taking off your shoes after a long walk, or bursting to the surface after trying to hold your breath underwater for as long as you can. it’s like that. very refreshing, very exhilirating.. and unconsciously, you automatically breathe ‘Oh, God’ to no one in particular.

he tries to make me love him but it just doesnt happen. it’s like photographs. the best ones always just happen. not staged, not realized by the subject. i’m the photograph. he’s the subject. i love him only when he doesnt realize he wants me to.

the fact that he can actually fall asleep holding me. the way his grip seems tight even when he’s not aware about it. the melancholic look he has on his face as he sleeps. the way he stirs when i cough. the way he kisses my shoulder periodically throughout the night. this means so much more to me than all the shit you attempt when you’re awake.

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so tell me :) what is intimacy to you?

Entry Filed under: Musings

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