Again and Again

lately i find that i am becoming more and more antisocial. for the past few weeks, i’ve been either refusing to see anyone, or only seeing the people i am extremely comfortable with. when i say comfortable, i mean like i can hang out with them in my room without wearing a bra. yeah. comfortable like that.

i think i’m just very tired of this game we call socialising. it’s fucking boring. if it’s not boring, then it has too many tactics and strategies to it, shit that i really couldnt be bothered with when all i really want to do is just chill and laugh. and is it just me or is everyone in this world too fond of saying ‘what’s wrong? why are you so quiet? am i doing something wrong? you dont like to go out with me issit?’ if you keep quiet for longer than 5 minutes? then i have to spend another 5 minutes politely reassuring them that no, it’s not you, i’m just thinking about something. dammit. and they wonder why there’s no second date. boys are so dumb sometimes.

one day i’d like to go out with a guy who can teman me in silence. and then when i want to shake off my quiet pensive mood, he can and will dive right into the din and noise with me. a flexible and haphazard guy, in other words. such a rarity nowadays. or maybe i’m just not looking hard enough.

anyways yes, i’m beginning to realize that i love spending time alone. there is just so much understated pleasure in the simplicity of taking a book and sitting down at an al fresco cafe to read, with some tiramisu and a latte for company. my friends think it’s really strange that i go all the way to town just to sit down and read, alone no less, when i could do so in the comfort of my own home, but they dont understand. in my house, i dont get to watch parents teaching their kids the wrong things in public. i dont get to watch couples split up in Starbucks. i dont get to see how beggars take advantage of man’s inherent charity, and yet still look so sincerely pitiful in the mastery of their cunningness.

i draw so much inspiration from watching people and the way they are. watching people is how i learn to come alive. through them, i remember not to take certain things for granted, and i learn things that i would have completely missed if i had gone out with my friends for a day that would spin swiftly into tomorrow and is gone, just like that. looking at strangers on the street, i see some people who look like people i know - people i see everyday, people whom i’ve fallen out with, family members, ex boyfriends, good friends, online friends, people i cant stand, people i want to kiss. and then i think about them. and i miss them.

i hate the fact that i dont know a single soul whom i can do this with without everything just going awry. they’d either pull that stupid whyareyousoquiet line, or they’d get edgy and want to go elsewhere, or i’d feel so guilty that i’m putting them through an ordeal that must be so boring to them. haiiiiiih. what’s one to do.

i’m turning into an antisocial hermit of an old maid. right now i’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. all i know is that it’s way too early in the a.m and that i should be sleeping if i ever want to have a proper circadian rhythm by the time i reach 30.

April 8th, 2006