Come hold me

April 9th, 2006

it’s a cold and lonely night, and it’s been raining since i got home. i go to the balcony and sit there with a mug of Milo and the monthly Astro magazine. i dont know why i bring the magazine with me, i dont even want to read it, but it was just sitting there on the coffee table as i was walking past, and so i grabbed it. and now it’s beside me as i sit at the balcony watching the rain, cover face down.

the rain is falling in a diagonal direction and occasionally there are gusts of wind that blow the rain along like clouds. the air is chilly, and once in a while spritzes of rain mist kiss my cheeks. it is a good night to think and reflect.

the other day i said something to someone that i wish i could have taken back. shit like this happens all the time – first you feel hurt, then assisted by your pride and selfworth, you convert your hurt to anger. and then you retaliate verbally, mustering from the depths of your disappointment the most stinging remark you can possibly find at this moment. you just want to hurt the other person. in your mind you are lunging at this person and clawing him till he bleeds.

i’m exceptionally good at this, this hurting other people. i always know their weaknesses, what they feel the lowest about, and that’s where i attack whenever the primal need to wreak vengeance surfaces. it’s not a good thing. cos i always regret it. i try to comfort myself that at least i wasnt the one who started it, but it is consolation in vain because i also know that they know my weaknesses, very well in fact, but they choose not to hurt me a second time. they let me think that i’ve won this battle, because they love me enough to allow that. and that’s what makes me feel bad.

but frantic apologies look so staged and so i never do it. what i do is turn around and walk away.

and sometimes they just dont come for you. they just dont fucking come for you.

Entry Filed under: Musings