I Dont Say It But I Am Scared

when you want to talk to someone about something. something that is a very delicate issue. so delicate that you’re very afraid to broach the topic because it may change things for the worst.

how the hell do you start?

i’m thinking i’m just gonna sit here, typing away at the computer while i ask him the question. i’m going to say it in a very serious tone. with a take-no-shit element in my voice, but i’m not gonna look at him. i’m gonna be sitting here, looking like i’m blogging, then i’m going to say it. to say that i know. to ask why did you do it? to try to keep the panicked frenzy out of my voice as i trill, “didnt you think i was going to find out?”

well, i found out.

i wish i didnt have to ask but he has to know that i know.

i cant do the whole eye contact thing. it’s too hard. i will give both me and him some leeway by allowing us to look at things other than each other. right now Wordpress’ white and marine blue template never looked better. i am so affixed by it. Wordpress, draw me into your world and swallow me.

he does not answer.

i dont have to look at him to know that he has that deer-in-headlights look frozen on his face. his fingers are locked and his legs are stiff. his lower lip curls to the left as it always does when he is caught in one of his lies. he doesnt even have to answer for me to know that i am right, that i am vindicated, that he is one hell of a sick lying bastard who should be sent for some form of professional help. why is it that he never learns? why is it that i still continue to believe him?

i wish i could say, get out of my house. get out of this house. go away and never come back. never call me by my name or all the other names you call me.

but that has to be left for another day, another time, another eye-averting moment. for now, this has drained enough of my emotional reserves.

Comments April 14th, 2006