Bewildered
April 20th, 2006
i am quite positive that when i woke up this morning, the world decided to play a trick on me.
it cannot possibly be April already.
when i went to sleep last night, 2006 was eons and eons and EONS away. i mean, holyshitflyingbatman, i turn 18 this year. wasnt it just yesterday that i was in the 6th grade freaking out over my UPSR examinations? wasnt it just 2 seconds ago that i was 15 and freaking out over my PMR examinations?? do you really mean to tell me that i’ve ALREADY turned 17 and ALREADY freaked out over my SPM examinations???
SHIT. where did all that time go?!
i’m just sitting here feeling like life is way too surreal. there is a haze in my head, and for the past hour, nothing anyone has said has made any sense to me. this is just me trying to come to terms with the fact that even though the clock in my room ticks the same way every second of every damn day, there is no way i’m going to get those seconds back.
i sat and stared at the clock for a while. at first i was very conscious about what i was doing. then somewhere in between i started thinking about stuff, and inevitably, i lost count of how many seconds i had been staring at the clock. before i knew it, x amount of time had passed by, and even though i know my clock will show me the exact same time precisely 24 hours from now, it’s just not the same. i’m not getting 10.52pm of the 19th of April 2006 back ever again.
suddenly i want to fly to the States. or whatever country that is behind GMT+8. i just wanna keep flying there everyday, in transit between time zones, suspended in infinity, always reliving the same day, forever cheating time.
the other day i did one of those online personality quizzes, and one of the questions was for me to rate on a scale of 1 to 100 how talkative i was. i moved the clicker to about 92% and then went on to the next question. didnt even give it a second thought. cos i know i’m sociable, i know i’m loud, and i know i can talk and talk and talk and talk till the cows come home with the farmer and the yellow duck. but then when my friends ask me a billion times per week why i’m so quiet during outings, i feel an odd necessity to revisit my image of myself. are they seeing something that i am not?
after some reflecting, i realize that my gregariousness has taken a sharp fall since i was 16. the last time i clearly remember being actively talkative was when i was 15 going on 16. after form4, i just morphed into someone who prefers to watch and listen rather than talk. i used to be such a drama queen, but i almost hate the spotlight now because it opens me up to such scrutiny from people, and i am no longer comfortable with that. i used to actively contact ALL my friends, but now i just wait for them to call me first. i dont even write friendster testimonials anymore.
so i am no longer the social butterfly i once was. i dont know why in my head, i still am. it’s like i have all these old-fashioned notions of myself that came from years ago. today i am no longer the person i was in 2002. why do i still describe myself as such?
there is no way this is 2006, stop pulling my leg, you guys.
Entry Filed under: Musings
23 Comments Add your own
1. FuGZ | April 20th, 2006 at 2:52 am
yes missy. time does not stop and continue ticking… just realized? hehe..
well, maybe you’re at a stage where it finally hit your mind and people don’t stay the exact same as time passes by. It’s good to know that you’re growing up than not right?
2. ArtificiallyVerbose | April 20th, 2006 at 3:13 am
one of the perils of growing up i suppose.
time flies… and no one stays the same.
3. jeremy | April 20th, 2006 at 3:19 am
i’d suspend time when i’m 21. but till then, i wish the next 2 years would fly faster.
4. Waifon | April 20th, 2006 at 11:23 am
Well, I think it’s definitely tough for me to accept that it’s already year 2006 but come to think of it again, it’s even more difficult to accept that it’s already April going on May.
And I can still clearly hear fireworks from KLCC from the New Year’s celebration.
It’s all part of growing up I guess and the older we get, the more we feel like hanging on to our past and be the same old pubescent teenager we were. It’s saddening huh. before we even know it, Pinkpau is married, successful, driving a Bentley with 3 kids. Haha.
No one’s pulling your leg dear. Reality is.
5. Jay | April 20th, 2006 at 11:35 am
Even tho I read your entire entry, and I realized that I felt almost the same way, the real thing I wanted to tell you is, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH 16 POUNDS OF M&Ms COST?! (btw, would you like some M&Ms?)
6. kawa | April 20th, 2006 at 11:58 am
only one explanation: TIME PARADOX.
7. expectation | April 20th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
it took me exactly five months to get over the fact that i’m indeed out of high school.
it took me so much more to get over the fact that i’ve bummed for five months and have wasted so much time.
it took me only one entry to feel bad all over again =(((
8. Lalita | April 20th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
This post really spoke to me you know. This is EXACTLY how I felt a few years ago – post Uni – still feel that way sometimes. Time flies so fast and then things happen to you in life – good and bad – which you have to take on and carry on journeying. Things which have an impact on you. Guess we can only make each second count.
You sound like you are on a journey of growing not only older, but wiser and more mature. And that is definitely a good thing, right?
9. spiller | April 20th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
i just came back from GMT +1.
trust me, u don’t want to fly constantly. it’s bad.
and nowdays the winter is so freakin long in europe.
at least u are still under 21. so enjoy while u can ya?
10. justakid | April 20th, 2006 at 8:05 pm
sumtyms i don’t know if i’m the one whos changing, or if the world around me is. and its weird, cus all the things i tot i knew dont seem so familiar anymore.
nowadays i do all the wrong things 4 all the right reasons. or maybe its all the rite things 4 all the wrong reasons.
sigh. weird, isnt it?
11. kristof | April 20th, 2006 at 8:09 pm
maybe you live an eventful life…
einstein pernah kata, “time is relative to the observer”
12. sinta | April 20th, 2006 at 8:11 pm
Time flies faster the older you get.
Bwahahhaa almost legal! ;) *Toasts you*
13. Johann | April 20th, 2006 at 9:32 pm
Yeah, what Sinta said :D
Time also *seems* quicker when you look back rather than when you look forward. You’ll be my wife sooner than you know it! :p
14. pinkpau | April 20th, 2006 at 9:58 pm
fugz : i’m suddenly at a stage where i’d rather stay young .. :D
artificially : i wish it would just let me catch up with it every once in a while, argh
jeremy : why 21?
waifon : yea, even when i was younger i always wanted to go back in time. it sucks now that as i’m getting older, the gravity of my aging situation is getting worse .. :(
jay : how much, how much?? and yes, would love some! MAIL THEM OVER
kawa : how so?
expectation : dont feel bad! taking time off to chill is good :)
lalita : wow, even graduates feel this way?! haha oh man! i’m in for one very depressing ride!
spiller : if it gives me more time, why not.. ? :D i just need a good book, a bottle of water and moisturiser for long haul flights.
justakid : no not weird :) just the rites of growing up
kristof : but i still want. more. time!
sinta : oh noooo dont say that :( it’s already flying too quickly at 17. and yes, about 6 more months .. hehe!
johann : oh, you horrible old man :D
15. ally | April 20th, 2006 at 10:09 pm
wait till ur 20 stressing about graduation :P
16. FuGZ | April 21st, 2006 at 12:14 am
i’m sure most of us feel just about the same there, missy..
17. eric | April 21st, 2006 at 12:24 am
just lie to yourself.. wear the school uniform and stroll in.
tell me what happens of course. :P
18. pinkpau | April 21st, 2006 at 12:34 am
ally : eeeeurghhh!!!
fugz : sigh! why wont some scientist invent an antidote for the peter pan complex?
eric : haha why dont YOU don YOUR old uniform?! we’ll get adeline too and we can go back as the Ghosts of SSG Debate Team. hahaha
19. Lalita | April 21st, 2006 at 12:58 am
Su Ann! I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make it sound depressing.
Growing older does have its perks lah. As you will surely find out.
… just sometimes the life journey is so unclear – as in where is this path taking me sort of thing you know? The self discovery bit. But hey, it isn’t all bad right? We still have chocolate! That is one of the many good reasons to CELEBRATE!!!
20. FuGZ | April 21st, 2006 at 1:42 am
missy, it’s cuz such scientists don’t exist in fairy tales.. face it; reality.
21. ArtificiallyVerbose | April 21st, 2006 at 2:33 am
ohhhh so thats what it’s called… peter pan syndrome.
i agree with Lalita. growing up does have its perks of independence and freedom just that we have to give up innocence and ignorance haha… chocolate is good too :) max brenner really does have a quaint cosy cafe at esplanade with yummy choco drinks.
22. tze | April 21st, 2006 at 7:12 pm
now u finally realize how terrible you are for not hanging out more often with me right? NO LONGER SOCIAL BUTTERFLY RIGHT? NO LONGER HAVE TIME FOR TZE CHING RIGHT?
23. pinkpau | April 22nd, 2006 at 2:25 am
lalita : dont apologize, i need the heads up! haha oh man, what perks could there possibly be to growing up?! and yes three cheers for the cocoa bean .. :)
fugz : haha i dont want them to exist in fairy tales, i want them to exist in reality.
artificially : but i got a lot of independence and freedom already!!! so growing up does absolutely nothing for me :( and dammit, mail me some max brenner stuff..!
tze : you so busy for what, pharmacist?!
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