Walk

April 30th, 2006

a long walk out in the night will do me good, i thought to myself. there’s too much tension in the air right now, and i’m contributing to it. it would be best to make myself scarce at this point in time.

so i took my keys and a book (Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto), grabbed two bucks off the dining table and headed out. out into the crisp night air. and i just started walking, with no premeditated route or contrived destination in mind. i like it that way, because i dont have to keep asking myself ‘am i there yet?’ or ‘how long more is this going to take?’.

i walked straight all the way, without taking any turns in my path. it wasnt a conscious decision, i simply let my feet carry me away and take me wherever. i had better things to concentrate on, like how to unravel all these thoughts in my head, and how to come up with an overall solution, be it step-by-step or with one swift default annihilating movement. as i walked i was in a robotic daze, not particularly focused on anything, yet still very aware of my surroundings. it was very weird, like i was two people in one, or like i had someone with me, who was part of me, and assuming the role of pragmatic entity in my little midnight venture.

this was a strange walk, unlike any walk i have ever taken. it faintly reminded me of one particular walk i embarked on, many years ago when i ran away from home, if you can even call it that. the only difference was that back then, i had a purpose, and this time i did not. but essentially, i was turning my back on my home both times, frustrated and angry. that was how i felt then, this is also how i feel tonight. like i was shedding skin, clamping my hands over my ears, ignoring and avoiding and running away. taking an independent step forward. mentally saying out loud, i am deattaching myself from you.

and so i walked and walked until i reached a fenced-up field moated by a huge drain, and it was impossible to plough straight on. taking a left or a right turn at this point seemed to require too much energy, so i didnt. directly to my right was an HK cafe, lively but not burstingly and overwhelmingly so. i frequent this place, and although the food is not much to scream about, i like the warm orangey decor here. at the time, warm and friendly decor sounded good to steep myself in, so i sat there to read my book.

i remained in the cafe for a very long time, sitting there and reading until my eyes got too dry (damn contact lens) and no amount of pressing on them would alleviate the pain and annoyance. also, it was hard to really follow the lines on the book because my mind just kept drifting to other things, due to the fact that i hadnt really finished thinking out what i had intended to think out during my walk. i had to leave this sedentary place and continue walking if obtaining a conclusion to my pensiveness was of any importance.

so i headed back home. but oddly, on this walk back, i found it impossible to just THINK. it was like, because i knew where i was going, i knew how much more time i had before i reached my destination, and that knowledge somehow prohibited me from achieving any definite thought. it was frustrating, to say the least. it’s like feeling dead tired and aching for some rest, but when you hit the bed you just cant seem to fall asleep. it put me at a terrible and torturous unease, and i just wanted to get back as soon as i could.

my housing area is really quite different at night than it is in the daytime, and it reminded me of the streets in Corea when i was there on homestay. yellow streetlamps threw light on the empty roads and the sleeping houses with hulking roofs. trees looked like sentinels. cats were awake and they lounged atop indifferent cars, following me with their feline glares as i walked past them. ocassionally i would pass by some people who were also out and about at this odd hour, and their pace would pick up when they spotted me. i found that i did the same. like a ridiculous race to get to opposite ends of the world. each time someone brushes past me, there is an instance of halted breath for both parties. this becomes a conscious realization.

i see my apartment looming in the distance, and i jog the last few metres to the front gate. the glaring white lights of the guardhouse flings piercing lucidity on the state of my mental being. suddenly i get angry all over again. i take the stairs instead of the elevator on a whim.

i am home now. and still angry.

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