in my steadfast quest to set a good example for my best friend, i didnt realize that she has now become a bad example for me instead. it’s kinda too late now, i am in deeper than i thought. shit.
on another note, i would like to say a great big fuck you to murphy. fuck you, murphy, and fuck your damn law. you make it so hard to be an optimistic person. i blame you for everything.
April 20th, 2006
i am quite positive that when i woke up this morning, the world decided to play a trick on me.
it cannot possibly be April already.
when i went to sleep last night, 2006 was eons and eons and EONS away. i mean, holyshitflyingbatman, i turn 18 this year. wasnt it just yesterday that i was in the 6th grade freaking out over my UPSR examinations? wasnt it just 2 seconds ago that i was 15 and freaking out over my PMR examinations?? do you really mean to tell me that i’ve ALREADY turned 17 and ALREADY freaked out over my SPM examinations???
SHIT. where did all that time go?!
i’m just sitting here feeling like life is way too surreal. there is a haze in my head, and for the past hour, nothing anyone has said has made any sense to me. this is just me trying to come to terms with the fact that even though the clock in my room ticks the same way every second of every damn day, there is no way i’m going to get those seconds back.
i sat and stared at the clock for a while. at first i was very conscious about what i was doing. then somewhere in between i started thinking about stuff, and inevitably, i lost count of how many seconds i had been staring at the clock. before i knew it, x amount of time had passed by, and even though i know my clock will show me the exact same time precisely 24 hours from now, it’s just not the same. i’m not getting 10.52pm of the 19th of April 2006 back ever again.
suddenly i want to fly to the States. or whatever country that is behind GMT+8. i just wanna keep flying there everyday, in transit between time zones, suspended in infinity, always reliving the same day, forever cheating time.
the other day i did one of those online personality quizzes, and one of the questions was for me to rate on a scale of 1 to 100 how talkative i was. i moved the clicker to about 92% and then went on to the next question. didnt even give it a second thought. cos i know i’m sociable, i know i’m loud, and i know i can talk and talk and talk and talk till the cows come home with the farmer and the yellow duck. but then when my friends ask me a billion times per week why i’m so quiet during outings, i feel an odd necessity to revisit my image of myself. are they seeing something that i am not?
after some reflecting, i realize that my gregariousness has taken a sharp fall since i was 16. the last time i clearly remember being actively talkative was when i was 15 going on 16. after form4, i just morphed into someone who prefers to watch and listen rather than talk. i used to be such a drama queen, but i almost hate the spotlight now because it opens me up to such scrutiny from people, and i am no longer comfortable with that. i used to actively contact ALL my friends, but now i just wait for them to call me first. i dont even write friendster testimonials anymore.
so i am no longer the social butterfly i once was. i dont know why in my head, i still am. it’s like i have all these old-fashioned notions of myself that came from years ago. today i am no longer the person i was in 2002. why do i still describe myself as such?
there is no way this is 2006, stop pulling my leg, you guys.
23 comments April 20th, 2006
so there i was, at gym, on the treadmill, going at a speed of 7.5 on my 12th minute, staring bleakly at the numerous tv screens splayed across the wall before me, trying not to think of anything, but unsucceeding successfully.
out of the corner of my eye, i see a buff guy in a tight army green shirt walking in my direction. surprise surprise, he gets on the treadmill next to mine and attempts conversation.
“hey, gorgeous, love your top! where did you get it?”
at this point i dont know whether to roll my eyes first, or throw my sweaty towel at him first, or if i should do both simultaneously. i think i’ve said this before, i totally cannot stand it when guys pick me up at the gym. cos not only is it annoying, but there is also absolutely *ZERO* potential of the relationship going anywhere further than the stepper machine. i wish they would catch me during the times i am not excreting natrium chloride from my epidermis, or maybe when i’m feeling prettier in the sense that my hair is not plastered to my forehead, so that conversation would be more than just me shooting a glare at them and biting out, ‘dont talk to girls when they are working out’ and then ultimately stalking off the machine, leaving them in open-mouthed dumbfoundedness.
i grabbed my towel, wiped down, and turned to look at the guy. okay, quite cute. an arrogant, plumey, stuck-up kind of cute .. but cute nonetheless. must. resist. from. glaring. and. biting. out. even though his opening line was so stupid. i mean come on, “where did you get your top”?? aunties in mid valley stop me to ask me that, not potential playmates!!!
i slowed my speed down to a 5.5 (i am so assiduous about this, it must be 5.5 for walking), looked at him and said,
“from the back of my closet.”
he grinned an Ee Yang grin (you all know this grin..) and said “that isnt very helpful.”
wah, england good. i like even more.
“why do you like it? there isnt anything so special about it.” after all, it was just a turqoise tank top with little silver squares all over it.
“it’s just cute.”
at this point i was puzzled. where is the mandatory “.. like you!” tag?! shit, am i losing my cuteness?!?!!?!?!?!
“it’s from Reebok. i got it ages ago though. hence my first answer, from the back of my closet.”
“oh okay Reebok, gotta check out their stuff. i always liked Adidas better. well, see you around then. thanks, darling! mmmwahh.”
and that’s it. that was when he walked off. interest piqued, i turned around to look at him saunter away.
the butt sway and the extended palm and the refined ‘ling’ in darling was what confirmed it for me. not that i had any prior clue, but …
he’s gay!!!
no wonder he was so interested in my top lah!!! perasan me.
(actually, over the weekend i heard the FUNNIEST gay pickup line. it was the fucking funniest. so crude, but damn funny. here it is :
“excuse me, can i push in your stool?”)
26 comments April 18th, 2006
i always take the wrong exit door out of my dreams. my head was already clouded with apprehension and the ends of my hair dusted with melancholia before i even rolled out of the bed. bad day, bad day. why does it have to be easter day?
as my nearest and dearest would know, i’ve recently chanced upon shocking news that seemed trivial and almost laughable at first, but upon deeper contemplation is something i really cant shake loose from the tips of my fingers. i feel completely violated, and i sense an odd affliction of mental-vaginismus just waiting to burst out and clamp down on me. dont really know what to do, and i wish i could say i didnt give a fuck.
hope y’all had a good easter :) the presence of easter eggs and fluffy bunnies in my easter weekend was dearly missed, but i had a nice and packed weekend despite the looming penumbra of bitterness hovering above me the entire time.
i just gotta sleep it off. tomorrow is another long day that i am not looking forward to at all. why? cos circumstances went out of hand again. the control freak in me is screaming for the reigns but the lost and found corner is nowhere in sight. gimme back my damn power.
April 17th, 2006
this evening, i went to watch the Mulan play staged by my high school.
i dont think i’ve ever felt this proud of my school in my whole life. EVER.
believe me when i say exactly one month ago, this production was nowhere, despite having been set in motion about one year ago. back when i was still in form5, the hearsay was that this was to be an August 2005 play, buuuuuut due to a lot of non-cooperation among cast members, it was pushed back to September. and then to December. and then to January 2006. then to March 2006. most people thought this play wasnt even going to happen.
but finally, after many many many cancelled tentative dates, Sri Garden staged Mulan : An Adaptation on the 14th and 15th of April 2006.
overall, for something that was put together in the span of one month, it was absolutely superb. i had the time of my life. for amateur actors, some of the cast were just mindblowingly fantastic, and the adapted script kept the continuity of the play fluid without chopping up too many scenes. encik jefri rocked the sound and lights console, the (very expensive) backdrop was so impressive, costumes were beautiful.
i loved this play. i feel so proud of the school right now.
the character who stole all our hearts was of course Surayn, who played Mushu. hahaha i think i made him almost forget his lines when i stood up and whooped in the auditorium during his entrance. he looked so shocked it was funny :D oh and Ming Yi was AWESOME, she played Chi Fu to a T - smug, arrogant and haughty, and had his self-important eye roll down to a pat. Ming Yi, hats off to you. go into theatre in the future!!!
i am just very awed that all this happened in less than a month. i remember sometime a month ago, we bumped into Xin Le at Mid Valley when i knew there was supposed to be practice going on at that time. i asked her what she was doing out shopping when she should be in school, but she was like, “oh practice was cancelled AGAIN”. i was just really taken aback cos they had so little time left. but holy hell, one month later, look at what they’ve done! :) pessimism can be so unfounded sometimes.
click below for more pictures i took during the play!
14 comments April 16th, 2006
