Life Force

May 23rd, 2006

i’ve been happy lately. donno why, but i have been. i dont have any particular or definite reason to be - actually things kinda suck right now - but just, y’know, being, has put a secret little smile on my lips.

i think i’ve found some kind of inner peace for myself. it’s a kind of small-scale tranquility, and when i close my eyes i see lavender fields and loose white dresses. this is how i want to feel right before i die - in good terms with everything in the world, and that all debts have been settled - regardless of whether i am debtor or creditor. it is like standing on a planar height that is suspended above all tribulation, knowing that there will be no more stairs, no more steepness and no more demands. it is such a good feeling.

i’ve gone through another one of my infamous metamorphoses. if you see me today, i am not the person i was yesterday. i am now the person i was in the year 2002. you remember that year? yeah, i remember that year. my fingerprints have twisted and turned and reshaped themselves to take the form of the fingerprints of Lim Su Ann, age 14.

despite having said that i’ve been happy lately, there’s a strange and anonymous sadness on the edges of my eyes. i cant put a name to this blight, but i can put a memory to it. it’s that moment - when you are feeling sad and heartbroken, alienated and alone, and then someone grabs your hand, looks you in the eye, and asks ‘what’s wrong?’, and then before you can stop yourself, your face crumples up and you have started to cry. that moment in between the soft inflection of the question and the biting of your lip as you instinctively let go - that is the hazy lazy cobwebby sensation that seems to have taken up residence in the corners of my eyes. it’s not so much an itch, but more of a blunt pull. i dont know why it’s there. it’s like a weird, warped sadness that is borne from the knowledge of my happiness.

you know what. i suddenly feel like jumping on the couch!

and eating peanuts.

yeah!

Entry Filed under: Musings