Archive for June, 2006
i was waiting outside Starbucks today. mildly irritated, vastly sad. it’s been a very emotional week. briefly, i wondered if a frappucino would do me some good - quell that something in my soul, the way it does with sleeplessness. yeah, it would. but for some reason i remained outside the glass doors. maybe it was the sunshine that made me stay outside. it’s comforting to feel the warmth. or maybe all the activity on the streets had me feeling like the calmer entity as i stood there spectating. or perhaps i’ve just had one too many frapps in my lifetime. whatever. i just didnt go into Starbucks today.
but someone did come out of Starbucks. and the first thing he said was, “Why?”.
it wasnt a demanding why, or an angry why, or a surprised why. it was a desperate why. soft and concerned, but desperate. not yet frantic, but just getting there. it was such a strange and strangled utterance that i immediately turned around to look at him. he was wearing a white shirt and a dark brown cap - i forgot to look at his shoes. Mr Desperate Why was on the phone.
the second thing he said into the phone was, “What’s wrong?”
i dont know why but i immediately assumed he was talking to his girlfriend. later on, when i was in the car (sans frappucino), i wondered why i had jumped to that conclusion without any basis at all. all he had said was, what’s wrong? and i instantly linked it to a girl problem. are girls really that much trouble in my head?
i stood there uncomfortably as i listened to him being dumped by his girlfriend. he had already started sounding frantic, and was apparently very confused. “can you please tell me what i did wrong,” he asked over and over again. i dont think he got an answer, because not once did he try to defend or explain himself. all he did was ask a lot of questions. and beg. and plead.
at the time, i was just so engrossed in this guy’s fear. part of me wanted to hear more, wanted to see how he would further react. and another part of me felt so terribly sorry for him. he sounded so scared, with his voice rising higher and higher as the breakup was executed. in its final stages, he started crying. the exact thing he said, “please dont do this. please dont do this to me”. and despite my earlier sympathy, i found myself wondering if this guy was nearing his quota of saying ‘please’. how many more pleases does he get to say before his (ex?) girlfriend gets annoyed at his clinginess and slams the phone down? and why are we so conditioned to say please in our desperation? maybe it would help a 4 year old in his quest for an extra cookie. maybe it would work with a softie, a weak-willed person. but judging from the way this guy was failing at soliciting an explanation from his girl, she wasnt a very weak-willed person. i wanted to turn around to this guy and say, you’re doing the wrong thing.
after i had removed myself from the scene, in my idle moments - i wondered what sort of a person this girl was. what sort of a person was she, to be able to break up with her boyfriend over the phone, to do it with such conciseness? and brutality too. i mean, she made him cry! i was so curious, i wanted to know what she had said. did she say things like, maybe we’re better off being friends. or it’s not you, it’s me? and then i wondered how long they’d been going out, the both of them. was it a month-long thing? or a 3-year relationship? did she do this often, this deed of dumping people? was she good at it, or did she feel bad, did she still feel a twinge of attachment?
when my ride came, the call had ended, and the guy was squatting by the wall, head in his folded arms and he was crying. i dont know how loud, for i had already started to walk away. he was heaving though. badly and painfully. poor guy, i thought. what did you do?
is this how all guys react when they’re dumped? i know that’s exactly how all my exboyfriends did - the whole histrionic crying and pleading deal. here’s how i felt each time the breakup wasnt final : i felt very guilty and questioned whether i was doing the right thing. i love this person, why am i doing this to him? have i even thought my decision over well enough? and then here’s how i feel at every final breakup, the breakup that is the last and will (though unknown to both parties at the time) signify the REAL end of the relationship : i feel so fucking annoyed.
as i was leaving, i felt a weird attachment to this guy. like i wanted to love him. i cant explain why i felt this way, i just did.
June 27th, 2006
it’s that time of night again. i cant help but wonder how i found myself here. it’s like i never learn.
he asked me, what do you think?
and i said, i want whatever you want.
whatever you want.
he’s slightly startled. but you dont know what i want, he says.
you know how when you meet someone for the first time, and you dont even know his name or a single thing about him, but you just think, this guy and i … we’d be so good together. you know how it’s like that? it’s the same thing now, i reply.
have you done this before? he asks.
no, i say.
no, i havent.
———
I can’t let you be
cause your beauty won’t allow me
wrapped in white sheets,
like an angel from a bedtime story.
Red House Painters - Have You Forgotten
June 26th, 2006
it is a cold and wet evening in SS15. classes are over, but i have time to kill until 6pm - that elusive hour. i almost resent the fact that during this insignificant time, i am free to roam; but later on, in the most beautiful hours of the day, i will be indoors, reciting lines that i wouldnt normally say in real life, putting on faces that i normally do. i will miss the sunset, i will miss the cool breeze as the birds fly home and new parents walk their babies in prams. 6pm brings back memories of my childhood, remnants of a time when problems seemed insignificant, and all i cared about were swings and bicycles. i used to run barefoot on grass, now i wince as my white high heels dig into the soft soil and i have to pry them loose.
i’ve been pensive the whole of today. i swear to God nothing is bugging me. okay, maybe there is something. but it’s not something i’m concerned about. i dont know how the hell to explain this. okay wait let me try. there’s something that’s at the back of my mind, a question i want to know the answer(s) to. but it’s not important. i only care about it because i choose to, because i have nothing else better to preoccupy myself with.
and that is exactly what i said to a friend. the moment the words were out of my mouth, i felt accomplished, whole. like, yes, that is EXACTLY what i’ve been trying to say for so long, and today it came out right. it made perfect sense to me. but then he said -
“dont kid yourself. you care about it because you care. end of story.”
that ticked me off to no end. first of all, who are you to tell me what i care about and what i dont care about? you dont even know the whole story. you dont even know if i’m telling you the truth, or if i’m leaving out important details. who are you to apply to my situation a conclusion you drew from your own experiences? i barely fucking know you. what the hell was i thinking telling you about my dilemmas anyway?
if you were expecting me to say something like, ‘but the more i thought about what he said, the more i realized it was true’, you’re not going to get it. because i know perfectly and totally what my concerns are. and what my pseudo concerns are. and what my non-concerns are, that are fashioned into omg-i’m-worried concerns because i want them to be so. this situation, i truly know, is a pseudo concern. it doesnt make me stare at the ceiling at night in troubled restlessness, it doesnt make me cry in the shower. all it does is drift my thoughts away when i’m in a long car ride, it makes me smile when i least expect it, and it holds me back. i allow myself a little bit of curiosity, a little bit of “what do *you* think?” sessions with my best friends .. but that’s it. it wont have anymore of me.
but there’s just something about today. is there something in the air? or does running in the rain sort of trigger off a dormant emotion? i stand at the pavement, staring blankly into rows of shophouses, my consciousness thinking What Now, my subconsciousness thinking What Now as well, but about two completely different problems. i am wistful today. i miss somebody. i want to grab fistfuls of him so badly. i want to keep him all to myself, grab him by the collar and push him into a dark closet that smells nice, and ask him all the questions i ever wanted to ask him. then i will say, kiss me now, and he will.
June 21st, 2006
i always wonder why whenever i have seemingly fantastic conversations with certain people, i inevitably end up feeling extremely uncomfortable, and almost depressed, at one point. this is the moment where the conversation takes a downturn - it reaches its apex and cannot get any more fantastic than it has already been, and so it decomposes itself, until i feel almost obliged to end the meeting for fear that the deteriorating discussion will forever mar the memory of this event.
so this happened once again over the weekend. i was having a really good conversation with someone whom i’ve just met, someone whom i can click with SO well that it’s almost strange. we were sitting around talking about stuff, about relationships and purposes and movies and honeymoons and opinions - when suddenly i felt really tired. sapped. hollow. if i was a cartoon character, this is the part where my mouth disappears into a small line.
“’sorry, i just feel really weird right now,” i admitted. “i’m moody like that.” at the time, i didnt even consider what i was saying. it was like talking to someone distractedly when you’re trying hard to catch somebody else’s eye - you dont really know what you’re saying and frankly you dont really care either. but in retrospect, i think i should have paid more attention to what i had said. cos i must have scared him a little bit. which of course, was never my intention.
anyways. in a strange moment of heightened consciousness, i kinda realized why this weird habit is so recurrent - this whole feeling sad all of a sudden and then shutting up thing, i mean. it’s simply cos the really good conversations are also the really revealing ones. conversations that expose, uncover and exhume. these are unconscious actions which, sometimes, i believe i am mentally and emotionally allergic to. but instead of sneezing or breaking out into hives, i pull away. and become indifferent. and change my shape to become something unrecognisable.
June 20th, 2006
you know how on the days that you totally need lucidity and projection of voice, as well as clarity of mind, those are the days you get a cold for no good reason?! not funny man. i woke up this morning feeling like utter shit. which is bad. because i said so.
despite feeling like one big sore red nose, i dragged my flu-bitten butt out of bed at 10am to go to … a flea market!!! such motivation! :D :D i thought i could feel my flu going away at the prospect of all the potential fun at the Fairview International School’s flea market, but then when we got there and saw the totally pathetic state of the flea market, my flu came back full force.
fairview’s flea market
the ‘flea market’ had probably like 6 stalls. all selling really strange overpriced junk that no one would buy. plus it was eerily quiet, had no music, and .. no people. yeah. we spent all of 2 minutes there before heading off to another flea market - at Micasa Hotel this time.
now THAT was a flea market!!!
it was awesome - lots and lots of food and drinks and cakes and even a mini chocolate fountain! they had the usual flea market knick-knacks and second hand clothes as well, but man, all praise goes to the fooooood. we went crazy just buying all the different kinds of food being sold. yum :D
went to SS2 for dessert after that, at the weirdly named Hong Kong placed called SOD. wanted tong yuen but nooooo they had to be bitchy and decide not to serve us that. they also decided to ask us warily why we were taking pictures of the food. tiu. what is with people and this rule that says you cannot take photographs of food in their restaurants?!?! what, you think i’m going to plant a bomb in your french toast issit?
we ended up being a tad late for the play audition we had to attend. now you know why i need my voice and clarity of mind :( irritatingly, i was still sniffly come audition time, and didnt really get better even though i laughed like a maniac when Ivan scratched his car while making an illegal u-turn. hehehehhee. HEHEHEHE. the audition sucked though. went REALLY bad for both of us, and i highly doubt either of us will make the callbacks.
actually, what the hell was i doing, going for play auditions with ivan? the last time we did this, he got the part he tried out for and i didnt. HE FARKING DID AND I FARKING DIDNT. yes, i was very jealous then, and to a certain extent still quite bitter today. ivan, if you make the callbacks this time around, you can only accept it if i make the callbacks too, okay?!
anyway blahblablah, completed sucky audition, and upon doing that, met this guy who also came to audition, who on first sight, immediately reminded me of Suet’s boyfriend Barry. i was like wah, this guy is his twin! and then he had to introduce himself as GARY! barry = gary? such similar sounding names! but i just kept quiet and layaned him while he pestered us for information on the audition, like ’so what did they make you do? what did they make you say? anything extra besides reading the script? how did you interpret the characters?’ rarrrrrrrr. gave him all the information he wanted to know, exchanged phone numbers, told him we have to go like now cos we have another audition to attend, gave him the contact info for THAT audition as well cos we are so magnanimous like that, then we left.
in the car, ivan told me that Gary’s surname is Ooi. and i was like WAH REALLY AH! Suet’s bf surname is also Ooi! so maybe Barry and Gary are brothers and have another brother named Larry! to complicate things further, when we bumped into Gary at the 2nd audition (such destiny we have), he told us that he lives in USJ. so by that time i was SUPER SURE that he was Barry’s brother, but of course, it turns out to be just one big fat coincidence that they have similar first names, share the same surname, live in the same area and look like twins. yeah. all just one big fat coincidence.
ANYWAY I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT, IVAN AND I WERE NOT CASTED FOR THE SECOND AUDITION BUT THIS GARY GUY WAS.
BLOODY HELL, HE CALLED ME TO GLOAT SOME MORE.
OMG.
TULAN!!! IVAN AND I CANNOT ACT ISSIT NOW?!?!?!?!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. here is a pic of me with Ivan’s car cos it’s very funny that he scratched his car, then got so worked up over a scratch that nobody can see.
we went to mid valley after that to go shopping for our respective daddies’ fathers day gifts. while there, we saw a totally awesome Ford Cruiser ad -
HAHA! pwned! Ford is 0wnage!
Ivan developed conjunctivitis after that (boy, not your day) and so i was left to wander alone for a bit before meeting Isa at Bangsar for dinner. we ate at Delicious, and it’s really funny to eat at a place with someone who used to work there cos he can tell you all the funniest shit about the establishment. like did you know that Delicious’ pastry chef is a woman named Rock?! and that the head chef is a man named Mimi?! like wtf? but nvm lah, cos their cakes are so good.
one of the quips on the uniforms of Delicious’ waiters
after dinner, we went to Fete De La Musique cos we had friends’ bands playing. i was really confused because i thought the event was going to be held on all of the Telawi streets, but it ended up just being on ONE. and it seemed like even that street was only a quarter full? what kind of street music party is this! very tak jadi. everyone was pissed and annoyed and not having a good time. the event coulda been executed better.
Isa and I ended up actually NOT seeing any of our friends play?! we escaped to Alexis for a tete-a-tete till midnight. i later met up with Azlan, and we headed to the new place in town, Ruums, cos Bass Agents were playing there tonight. it’s at Life Center, where Warp and Channel used to be, a.k.a the two most lala and jinjang clubs in town. so i’m just wondering how long it’ll take before Ruums succumbs to the stigma of having their club in Life Center. it looked okay tonight though. great music :)
now i am back home, with my flu also back full force. i am mega depressed because 1. colds are the most horrible thing on earth, and 2. i wanted to get ice cream earlier but i forgot all about it until it was too late and 3. i didnt pass the 2nd audition. WHY. WHY. WHY.
edit : i made the callbacks after all :)
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
June 18th, 2006
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