Hazy Voices And Knees That Almost Touch

i always wonder why whenever i have seemingly fantastic conversations with certain people, i inevitably end up feeling extremely uncomfortable, and almost depressed, at one point. this is the moment where the conversation takes a downturn - it reaches its apex and cannot get any more fantastic than it has already been, and so it decomposes itself, until i feel almost obliged to end the meeting for fear that the deteriorating discussion will forever mar the memory of this event.

so this happened once again over the weekend. i was having a really good conversation with someone whom i’ve just met, someone whom i can click with SO well that it’s almost strange. we were sitting around talking about stuff, about relationships and purposes and movies and honeymoons and opinions - when suddenly i felt really tired. sapped. hollow. if i was a cartoon character, this is the part where my mouth disappears into a small line.

“’sorry, i just feel really weird right now,” i admitted. “i’m moody like that.” at the time, i didnt even consider what i was saying. it was like talking to someone distractedly when you’re trying hard to catch somebody else’s eye - you dont really know what you’re saying and frankly you dont really care either. but in retrospect, i think i should have paid more attention to what i had said. cos i must have scared him a little bit. which of course, was never my intention.

anyways. in a strange moment of heightened consciousness, i kinda realized why this weird habit is so recurrent - this whole feeling sad all of a sudden and then shutting up thing, i mean. it’s simply cos the really good conversations are also the really revealing ones. conversations that expose, uncover and exhume. these are unconscious actions which, sometimes, i believe i am mentally and emotionally allergic to. but instead of sneezing or breaking out into hives, i pull away. and become indifferent. and change my shape to become something unrecognisable.

Comments June 20th, 2006