Hazy Voices And Knees That Almost Touch
June 20th, 2006
i always wonder why whenever i have seemingly fantastic conversations with certain people, i inevitably end up feeling extremely uncomfortable, and almost depressed, at one point. this is the moment where the conversation takes a downturn - it reaches its apex and cannot get any more fantastic than it has already been, and so it decomposes itself, until i feel almost obliged to end the meeting for fear that the deteriorating discussion will forever mar the memory of this event.
so this happened once again over the weekend. i was having a really good conversation with someone whom i’ve just met, someone whom i can click with SO well that it’s almost strange. we were sitting around talking about stuff, about relationships and purposes and movies and honeymoons and opinions - when suddenly i felt really tired. sapped. hollow. if i was a cartoon character, this is the part where my mouth disappears into a small line.
“’sorry, i just feel really weird right now,” i admitted. “i’m moody like that.” at the time, i didnt even consider what i was saying. it was like talking to someone distractedly when you’re trying hard to catch somebody else’s eye - you dont really know what you’re saying and frankly you dont really care either. but in retrospect, i think i should have paid more attention to what i had said. cos i must have scared him a little bit. which of course, was never my intention.
anyways. in a strange moment of heightened consciousness, i kinda realized why this weird habit is so recurrent - this whole feeling sad all of a sudden and then shutting up thing, i mean. it’s simply cos the really good conversations are also the really revealing ones. conversations that expose, uncover and exhume. these are unconscious actions which, sometimes, i believe i am mentally and emotionally allergic to. but instead of sneezing or breaking out into hives, i pull away. and become indifferent. and change my shape to become something unrecognisable.
Entry Filed under: Musings
15 Comments Add your own
1. Jon | June 20th, 2006 at 12:51 am
That’s a good anology there. I agree, a good conversation reveals, exposes and uncovers. It’s why we love to bitch and gossip :p
On another note, I get these mood swings you talk about here. But for me, I just get bored of talking, and start doing something childish with my hands like play around with leftover food or twist a straw or tear a paper cup to smitherins…
2. ArtificiallyVerbose | June 20th, 2006 at 2:43 am
hmmm… i don’t see how bitching and gossiping can count as good conversation in my book. different people different tunes i suppose.
well to reveal, expose and uncover, naturally our outer shell is removed thus leaving the mushy insides free to attack. i suppose we aren’t used to that sort of vulnerability so we quickly reattach our shell just as fast as it was discarded.
3. Calypso | June 20th, 2006 at 2:51 am
The last time I did this, or well at least the last 2 times I did this, I ended up with a really good friend and a boyfriend.
4. foreverjas | June 20th, 2006 at 8:31 am
aww..i get that too.sometimes. in the middle of a damn nice conversation… i jz shut up. no mood. aikx.
5. TheRealAnonymous | June 20th, 2006 at 9:28 am
No wonder you said u’re a shapeshifter laaaa…….
R-E-L-A-X !!!
Don’t take things too seriously in life, or u’ll be too uptight to notice all the wonderful small lil’ things that are going on around you.
Then again… you’re probably just being the drama queen that u are. haha.
6. director | June 20th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
hemm…..sometimes i feel that too,but a convo should not end like dat,it should be unlimited and constant communication….dun worry,ur doing great…..one of the best friendmaker in college,maybe in malaysia also…
7. pinkpau | June 20th, 2006 at 3:31 pm
jon : haha i think you got me wrong. when i said it reveals, i meant it’s revealing about the two people in the conversation :)
artificially : yep.
calypso : what, you werent comfortable around them and shut up after a while too? o.O
foreverjas : then you know how it is :)
therealanonymous : haha. dont take what too seriously in life? i believe you missed the point of what i was trying to say.
director : we all have our off days. :)
8. Calypso | June 20th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Um, nope, I don’t normally shut up…its one of my more naive points and so far Ive got pretty good experiences out of it :)
9. pinkpau | June 20th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
i dont understand. you said “the last time you did this”. the last time you did what?
10. MichelleShinyi | June 20th, 2006 at 6:34 pm
I think I may have experienced what you’re describing, but my reaction is usually delayed.
The fatigue doesn’t hit me until I’m on my way back home/ I’ve hung up the phone/ I’m in the middle of dinner with chopsticks mid-way between mouth and bowl.
Then all of a sudden, I feel this lurch in my stomach, a sense of anticipation almost bordering on anxiety.
Will I be able to have a conversation this great with this particular person ever again?
Will he/ she still see me in the same light after all the deep dark secrets I’ve revealed (the spilling of secrets is not mandatory, I guess, but it occurs in the whole sharing process more often than not)?
Will things still be carefree and easy between us? Will there be a sense of constraint hanging over our conversations the next time I see him/ her?
GAH. Let’s hear it for neuroticism, hey? :)
This happens every single time I’m in that transitory phase: when some you know turns into someone you respect/ trust. But these revealing conversation are necessary, if that person is going to burrow that little bit deeper into your life, and mean something more to you than they do now.
Cheers,
MichelleShinyi
11. justakid | June 20th, 2006 at 9:03 pm
yeah. i’ve found myself in dat kinda situation, like those amazing heart-to-hearts with a complete stranger/friend and suddenly i just clam up.
hmm. i guess i’m just vulnerable dat way?? hehe.. or am i the only weirdo?
12. TheRealAnonymous | June 21st, 2006 at 1:41 am
What i meant to say was… don’t think too much. Just go with the flow.
13. loud | July 12th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
I think that’s normal. It’s like… it’s so wonderful that if it’s not permanent, it’s just too good to linger on much longer.
We were meant for things far more permanent.
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