My Hair Smells Like Mint (Hello Bernard)

June 21st, 2006

it is a cold and wet evening in SS15. classes are over, but i have time to kill until 6pm - that elusive hour. i almost resent the fact that during this insignificant time, i am free to roam; but later on, in the most beautiful hours of the day, i will be indoors, reciting lines that i wouldnt normally say in real life, putting on faces that i normally do. i will miss the sunset, i will miss the cool breeze as the birds fly home and new parents walk their babies in prams. 6pm brings back memories of my childhood, remnants of a time when problems seemed insignificant, and all i cared about were swings and bicycles. i used to run barefoot on grass, now i wince as my white high heels dig into the soft soil and i have to pry them loose.

i’ve been pensive the whole of today. i swear to God nothing is bugging me. okay, maybe there is something. but it’s not something i’m concerned about. i dont know how the hell to explain this. okay wait let me try. there’s something that’s at the back of my mind, a question i want to know the answer(s) to. but it’s not important. i only care about it because i choose to, because i have nothing else better to preoccupy myself with.

and that is exactly what i said to a friend. the moment the words were out of my mouth, i felt accomplished, whole. like, yes, that is EXACTLY what i’ve been trying to say for so long, and today it came out right. it made perfect sense to me. but then he said -

“dont kid yourself. you care about it because you care. end of story.”

that ticked me off to no end. first of all, who are you to tell me what i care about and what i dont care about? you dont even know the whole story. you dont even know if i’m telling you the truth, or if i’m leaving out important details. who are you to apply to my situation a conclusion you drew from your own experiences? i barely fucking know you. what the hell was i thinking telling you about my dilemmas anyway?

if you were expecting me to say something like, ‘but the more i thought about what he said, the more i realized it was true’, you’re not going to get it. because i know perfectly and totally what my concerns are. and what my pseudo concerns are. and what my non-concerns are, that are fashioned into omg-i’m-worried concerns because i want them to be so. this situation, i truly know, is a pseudo concern. it doesnt make me stare at the ceiling at night in troubled restlessness, it doesnt make me cry in the shower. all it does is drift my thoughts away when i’m in a long car ride, it makes me smile when i least expect it, and it holds me back. i allow myself a little bit of curiosity, a little bit of “what do *you* think?” sessions with my best friends .. but that’s it. it wont have anymore of me.

but there’s just something about today. is there something in the air? or does running in the rain sort of trigger off a dormant emotion? i stand at the pavement, staring blankly into rows of shophouses, my consciousness thinking What Now, my subconsciousness thinking What Now as well, but about two completely different problems. i am wistful today. i miss somebody. i want to grab fistfuls of him so badly. i want to keep him all to myself, grab him by the collar and push him into a dark closet that smells nice, and ask him all the questions i ever wanted to ask him. then i will say, kiss me now, and he will.

Entry Filed under: Musings