Breakups

i was waiting outside Starbucks today. mildly irritated, vastly sad. it’s been a very emotional week. briefly, i wondered if a frappucino would do me some good - quell that something in my soul, the way it does with sleeplessness. yeah, it would. but for some reason i remained outside the glass doors. maybe it was the sunshine that made me stay outside. it’s comforting to feel the warmth. or maybe all the activity on the streets had me feeling like the calmer entity as i stood there spectating. or perhaps i’ve just had one too many frapps in my lifetime. whatever. i just didnt go into Starbucks today.

but someone did come out of Starbucks. and the first thing he said was, “Why?”.

it wasnt a demanding why, or an angry why, or a surprised why. it was a desperate why. soft and concerned, but desperate. not yet frantic, but just getting there. it was such a strange and strangled utterance that i immediately turned around to look at him. he was wearing a white shirt and a dark brown cap - i forgot to look at his shoes. Mr Desperate Why was on the phone.

the second thing he said into the phone was, “What’s wrong?”

i dont know why but i immediately assumed he was talking to his girlfriend. later on, when i was in the car (sans frappucino), i wondered why i had jumped to that conclusion without any basis at all. all he had said was, what’s wrong? and i instantly linked it to a girl problem. are girls really that much trouble in my head?

i stood there uncomfortably as i listened to him being dumped by his girlfriend. he had already started sounding frantic, and was apparently very confused. “can you please tell me what i did wrong,” he asked over and over again. i dont think he got an answer, because not once did he try to defend or explain himself. all he did was ask a lot of questions. and beg. and plead.

at the time, i was just so engrossed in this guy’s fear. part of me wanted to hear more, wanted to see how he would further react. and another part of me felt so terribly sorry for him. he sounded so scared, with his voice rising higher and higher as the breakup was executed. in its final stages, he started crying. the exact thing he said, “please dont do this. please dont do this to me”. and despite my earlier sympathy, i found myself wondering if this guy was nearing his quota of saying ‘please’. how many more pleases does he get to say before his (ex?) girlfriend gets annoyed at his clinginess and slams the phone down? and why are we so conditioned to say please in our desperation? maybe it would help a 4 year old in his quest for an extra cookie. maybe it would work with a softie, a weak-willed person. but judging from the way this guy was failing at soliciting an explanation from his girl, she wasnt a very weak-willed person. i wanted to turn around to this guy and say, you’re doing the wrong thing.

after i had removed myself from the scene, in my idle moments - i wondered what sort of a person this girl was. what sort of a person was she, to be able to break up with her boyfriend over the phone, to do it with such conciseness? and brutality too. i mean, she made him cry! i was so curious, i wanted to know what she had said. did she say things like, maybe we’re better off being friends. or it’s not you, it’s me? and then i wondered how long they’d been going out, the both of them. was it a month-long thing? or a 3-year relationship? did she do this often, this deed of dumping people? was she good at it, or did she feel bad, did she still feel a twinge of attachment?

when my ride came, the call had ended, and the guy was squatting by the wall, head in his folded arms and he was crying. i dont know how loud, for i had already started to walk away. he was heaving though. badly and painfully. poor guy, i thought. what did you do?

is this how all guys react when they’re dumped? i know that’s exactly how all my exboyfriends did - the whole histrionic crying and pleading deal. here’s how i felt each time the breakup wasnt final : i felt very guilty and questioned whether i was doing the right thing. i love this person, why am i doing this to him? have i even thought my decision over well enough? and then here’s how i feel at every final breakup, the breakup that is the last and will (though unknown to both parties at the time) signify the REAL end of the relationship : i feel so fucking annoyed.

as i was leaving, i felt a weird attachment to this guy. like i wanted to love him. i cant explain why i felt this way, i just did.

43 comments June 27th, 2006