Breakups
June 27th, 2006
i was waiting outside Starbucks today. mildly irritated, vastly sad. it’s been a very emotional week. briefly, i wondered if a frappucino would do me some good - quell that something in my soul, the way it does with sleeplessness. yeah, it would. but for some reason i remained outside the glass doors. maybe it was the sunshine that made me stay outside. it’s comforting to feel the warmth. or maybe all the activity on the streets had me feeling like the calmer entity as i stood there spectating. or perhaps i’ve just had one too many frapps in my lifetime. whatever. i just didnt go into Starbucks today.
but someone did come out of Starbucks. and the first thing he said was, “Why?”.
it wasnt a demanding why, or an angry why, or a surprised why. it was a desperate why. soft and concerned, but desperate. not yet frantic, but just getting there. it was such a strange and strangled utterance that i immediately turned around to look at him. he was wearing a white shirt and a dark brown cap - i forgot to look at his shoes. Mr Desperate Why was on the phone.
the second thing he said into the phone was, “What’s wrong?”
i dont know why but i immediately assumed he was talking to his girlfriend. later on, when i was in the car (sans frappucino), i wondered why i had jumped to that conclusion without any basis at all. all he had said was, what’s wrong? and i instantly linked it to a girl problem. are girls really that much trouble in my head?
i stood there uncomfortably as i listened to him being dumped by his girlfriend. he had already started sounding frantic, and was apparently very confused. “can you please tell me what i did wrong,” he asked over and over again. i dont think he got an answer, because not once did he try to defend or explain himself. all he did was ask a lot of questions. and beg. and plead.
at the time, i was just so engrossed in this guy’s fear. part of me wanted to hear more, wanted to see how he would further react. and another part of me felt so terribly sorry for him. he sounded so scared, with his voice rising higher and higher as the breakup was executed. in its final stages, he started crying. the exact thing he said, “please dont do this. please dont do this to me”. and despite my earlier sympathy, i found myself wondering if this guy was nearing his quota of saying ‘please’. how many more pleases does he get to say before his (ex?) girlfriend gets annoyed at his clinginess and slams the phone down? and why are we so conditioned to say please in our desperation? maybe it would help a 4 year old in his quest for an extra cookie. maybe it would work with a softie, a weak-willed person. but judging from the way this guy was failing at soliciting an explanation from his girl, she wasnt a very weak-willed person. i wanted to turn around to this guy and say, you’re doing the wrong thing.
after i had removed myself from the scene, in my idle moments - i wondered what sort of a person this girl was. what sort of a person was she, to be able to break up with her boyfriend over the phone, to do it with such conciseness? and brutality too. i mean, she made him cry! i was so curious, i wanted to know what she had said. did she say things like, maybe we’re better off being friends. or it’s not you, it’s me? and then i wondered how long they’d been going out, the both of them. was it a month-long thing? or a 3-year relationship? did she do this often, this deed of dumping people? was she good at it, or did she feel bad, did she still feel a twinge of attachment?
when my ride came, the call had ended, and the guy was squatting by the wall, head in his folded arms and he was crying. i dont know how loud, for i had already started to walk away. he was heaving though. badly and painfully. poor guy, i thought. what did you do?
is this how all guys react when they’re dumped? i know that’s exactly how all my exboyfriends did - the whole histrionic crying and pleading deal. here’s how i felt each time the breakup wasnt final : i felt very guilty and questioned whether i was doing the right thing. i love this person, why am i doing this to him? have i even thought my decision over well enough? and then here’s how i feel at every final breakup, the breakup that is the last and will (though unknown to both parties at the time) signify the REAL end of the relationship : i feel so fucking annoyed.
as i was leaving, i felt a weird attachment to this guy. like i wanted to love him. i cant explain why i felt this way, i just did.
Entry Filed under: Musings
43 Comments Add your own
1. tze | June 27th, 2006 at 4:06 am
one of my exs pleaded (no prize for guessing which one! =p) and the other just took it calmly. But with a final ’so this is it huh?’. My heart just broke into pieces when i heard that sentence. worked so much more than endless tears and begs. Somehow i find that tears (in public, god forbid!) strips a man off his machoness.
but breaking up with your partner, regardless of whether there still is love or not, is one of the hardest thing in the world.
2. alvin | June 27th, 2006 at 7:31 am
I did. Once. I cried my heart out that time. Nope, not gonna happen again. Even if that means I will never fall in love again.
3. Marianne | June 27th, 2006 at 7:32 am
With my most significant ex, there was pleading the first time around.. and we got back together… and the second time around.. I just said.. ok (because he cheated). Went to his place with him and grabbed my stuff.. and HE in turn started pleading me not to leave. At that point, I just said F*ck off. I’ve never seen a man cry so much… more than I did. It was painful… and the pain is still somewhat there… oh well.
Wanna hear something f*cked up? a friends father in law.. married to his wife for 40 years.. gets a job in prague. So he goes first and she prepares to leave canada to be with him.
Couple of weeks later, he EMAILS her to say “Please don’t come over, I’m filing for a divorce”
40 years.. and an email.
Life can be so brutal.
4. chia | June 27th, 2006 at 8:56 am
Can you please slap the guy and wake him up. Obviously he need to have more ‘balls’ and accept it like a man. There are 6 billion ppl in the planet and he is crying his heart out in public over a girl.. What a wuss..
Whats with all these reverse role play. The guy need some testerone fix. Pronto
5. spiller | June 27th, 2006 at 12:12 pm
why so emo wan.. take it easy la..
there is so much more in this world to love and care about.
6. Waifon | June 27th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
Maybe it was sympathy I guess. Every person in love has a fragile soul cos he/ she depended on their significant others to nurse and care for their vulnerable hearts. Perhaps that is why he pleaded cos for all we know, she really meant the world to him. I think the line..”no, it’s not you, it’s me” is really unfair and irresponsible. Why do people try to get away with that line all the time and thinks that they dont owe their partners any explanation thereafter? poor dude..and hope you feel better soon. dont la emo so long:D
7. argee | June 27th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
hmm…for my part, it was ’silent’ dumping on her part. we just knew it was over. well, actually she did first. I just figured it out some time later. bah.
crying? well, u do shed a few tears esp. if it’s a first love.
but pleading? no way. too much pride on the line. gah.
**
as for the guy in ur story…how old was he? (estimation)
8. ront | June 27th, 2006 at 2:36 pm
oi…dont kaypoh lah…hehe
but that was a good story though.
now, let’s talk abt something happier
9. pinkpau | June 27th, 2006 at 3:19 pm
tze : and i’m glad you didnt succumb to his pleading and tears! :) and guys everywhere now know what line to use when they wanna break their girl’s heart ..
alvin : gasp. you dont mean that.
marianne : that man .. he was so horrible to you. but did you feel the pain cos you were breaking up with him or because he was so sad? and man, that IS one fucked up story. via email. holy hell.
chia : wow, no need to be too stereotypical or anything..
spiller : perhaps he really loved her. who are we to determine :)
waifon : i’m pretty sure she did mean the world to him. or well. i dont know. it was quite a sad thing to watch.. not something i want to see again.
argee : totally know what you mean about the pleading part. somehow that’s just so much more worse than crying. i really dont know how old he was, cos i only looked at him briefly before i turned around again. damn awkward ok. but he wasnt old, fairly young? like a few years elder than me or something.
ront : why cant i talk about sad things in my blog?
10. laziicat | June 27th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
i got the ‘i want out’ as a breakup line. like i was caging him or something.
that was a rude one. the others werent too bad.
i havent ever had a guy cry on me tho….
11. young & naive | June 27th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
Was young & naive back then with my first ex. 1st time she asked for break up, I cried a little. And then calmly said, ‘whew, I thought I’m going to fall apart but I guess I am stronger than I expected’, or something to that line. 4 years back already, can’t really remember.
The 2nd time (yes we got back together), she sent me an SMS & said it was all over. I pleaded and cried, but nothing could change her mind. It was painful and I took a year to recover and I thought I’d never love again, but I did.
Usually when a guy cries, it’s their first love. When they get dumped, then they’ll learn what to do and what not to do anymore.
12. bulat | June 27th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
life suddenly sounds so sad.
13. ionStorm | June 27th, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Anyone read the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” yet? ;)
14. ront | June 27th, 2006 at 8:08 pm
that was a mere suggestion……not trying to dictate what you can or cannot do…its your blog……
15. secretbear | June 27th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
Love is just a complicated simple truth.
So much drama.
I suppose the guy is better off this way. No point making someone who doesn’t care about you stay, right? He’ll get over it and hopefully laugh about this one day.
16. Jay | June 27th, 2006 at 9:16 pm
“is this how all guys react when they’re dumped?”
Look, I know you, and I think your cool, so I’m going to tell you the truth, I’m going to lay it all down for ya, alright? This guy, he’s got it off easy. He’ll only need steps one to three from the “How to get back on track after being dumped for the millionth time: Guys edition.” (Note: There are two editions, Guys and Guy.) Some of the more painful heartbreaks would need the who guide, all 36799865 steps. No one till this day has completed the 36799865 step process. Step 239401 tends to be a rough one, go figure.
To be serious for a change, I don’t know. I haven’t had too many break ups. Hell, I haven’t been in that many relationships. So, I really couldn’t comment much on the subject.
But, I guess one thing to learn from this is men are emotional. I know what your thinking…You’re thinking I’m unemotional, don’t you? “Jay? NO WAY!” Su Ann, I’m telling you right now, I can *be* emotional. I mean, I cried like a child at the end of Terminator 2
17. AbbyC. | June 27th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
sigh.*
there’s no right or wrong in love.
but anyhow i m feelin pretty pityful for the guy. We’re still young, and a long way to go. Choose to let go and accept it would be great. It ain’t easy tho. Hurting someone is not what they want but what if the flames and feelings just drifts away. :S
18. debbie | June 27th, 2006 at 10:49 pm
hey my first time posting… but been reading ur blog once in a while. I was pretty attracted to this post for some reason…
It sort of reminded me about myself… i used to be very naive and stupid. i got into a relationship with a guy who showered me with constant adulation… i fell for sweet talk easily then… haha and after a week i broke it up and he became super depressed. It’s the biggest guilt ive felt in my life. But then it was the only right thing to do because we hardly knew each other… and i felt that we both werent ready yet.
Of course i didnt break it up through a pathetic phone call… lol
But now he’s got on with his own life… and i’ve been with my current bf for 14 months. Although i still regret being so close to him for some time… im glad i didnt drag it any further. I knew we wouldnt be happy together.
So maybe the girl was also doing what i did… its terrible but somethings could be a blessing in disguise.
19. Susan | June 27th, 2006 at 11:30 pm
I feel extremely sorry for the guy, but somehow I find the fact that he cried… pretty cute.. (shh, i know i’m screwed up haha)! The relationship must have meant so much to him to make him cry… =(…I admit I’ve tried pleading and crying but I guess it didn’t work. It is so silly of him, to plead and cry in public.. but I guess he had no other choices and was willing to do anything to save their relationship.
20. Marianne | June 28th, 2006 at 12:38 am
Pinkpau: I was sad because that was it.. it was the end. And seeing him cry, made me realize that damn.. this IS the end. Note though, the first time, I asked for some time apart to make sure that this is what I wanted…and then we got back together… and then he cheated… and then he broke up with me. I was really upset because he chose to still want to talk to the girl he cheated on me with. I was upset that 2 years was gone.. just like that. Felt like it meant nothing, you know? I was most upset… that I had to find out that he was cheating.. and he didn’t tell it to me at all. Even when I confronted him on numerous occassions when I was suspicious. That just killed the trust I had in him.. and until now, in anybody.
Back to your post, I don’t think it’s silly or stupid for him to beg and plead. You guys are not in the situation… how do you all know? Pinkpau… I’m with you.. I would have wanted to give him a hug too.
I begged and pleaded with my ex… why? Because we had our futures planned. We were going to move to London together to work, have children, own a house with a glass fireplace in the middle.. we had all these dreams. We spent every day of our two years together.. he meant the whole world to me.
When we broke up, that vision came crashing down. I had to re-plan my life.. I had to forget a dream that we were working towards. Sure I know I’ll move on and life will be okay again, but at that moment… do you understand how hard it is?
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but as a girl.. if I can feel that way, so can a guy. And this guy.. might be going through the exact same thing. So Don’t talk about pride and balls… when it comes to love, there is no pride. If there is, then love yourself and spare the rest the anguish.
*breathe in, breathe out*
sorry ah pinkpau, to write so long. :) I owe you roti telur when i come back in October!
21. Marianne | June 28th, 2006 at 12:40 am
Ah.. just to say it’s nothing against you pinkpau. Just some comments that were written that made me hangat a bit! :D
22. kristof | June 28th, 2006 at 1:27 am
girls are brutal what. but then again, guys are sensitive. wait a minute, gender reversal? what happened to the good ol times when females are merely subservient pieces of meat to ‘men’. sigh.
23. Calypso | June 28th, 2006 at 3:27 am
A point where you realize whether you love a person more than your ego or vice versa. You only live once. Why not risk it all
24. ArtificiallyVerbose | June 28th, 2006 at 3:56 am
relationships are just too varied to ever point a finger at one example and say ‘that’s it! that’s the right reaction to the situation!’ i think it takes a certain maturity and detachment to see if your reaction to a breakup situation is really what your heart wants you to do or what stereotyping and peer pressure has made you believe you should do.
guys can cry if they want. saying they can’t is like telling women they can’t vote or speak up to men or some rubbish like that. stereotyping is so stupid…
25. Jon | June 28th, 2006 at 10:08 am
Love him? Out of pity I suppose.
I wouldn’t know since I’ve never been in a serious relationship all my life. I’ve had tonnes of female friends, I tend to mix better with them than guys… but none of which I had ever stepped over the boundaries of pure friendship.
26. george | June 28th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
maybe the guy on the phone cheated on her, and he didn’t know that she found out- he said ‘what did i do wrong?’ cos he wanted to find out how much she knew before saying anything
when the conversation ended, he was crying cos he felt so useless for cheating on her, and it wasn’t worth what he had lost
OR
the girl could have cheated on the guy, and she was asking for a break up cos she wanted to be with other guy instead.. hence ‘what did i do wrong?’ and the crying bit at the end..
OR
someone kidnapped someone dear to him, and on the phone threatened to kill that person unless a condition was fufilled..poor guy doesn’t know what to do and starts asking questions people ask when they lose someone close to them or something terrible happens
OR
he was just acting, and there was a camera somewhere filming the whole thing..
we can only speculate :)
27. vvens | June 28th, 2006 at 3:53 pm
poor thing.
he just cried in front of everyone like this.
i think his heart was very very painful at the moment.
aww. you feel like loving him at the very moment, maybe you are just feeling sympathy for him..
but still no one except them both knows the true reason.
28. justakid | June 28th, 2006 at 11:14 pm
haih. why so many breakups wan suddenly??? :’(
29. foreverjas | June 29th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
he’s really in love with his gf… so sad… :(
30. ianfluenza | June 29th, 2006 at 1:45 pm
http://ianliew.blogspot.com/2006/06/heartbreak.html
I feel for him…
31. nick au | June 29th, 2006 at 7:20 pm
perhaps men might look strong but women holds the keys to our heart and hers… lock us out of that garden and we’d do anything to get back in.
In any case, my sympathy to this fellow man and all the best in his situation. I’ve been in enough situation to just say fine, if that’s what you want to do, go ahead and I’ll go my way.
Brutal , yea I reckon, but begging and pleading just seem all of a sudden, way too demeaning and pathetic.
Cheers Mate.
32. entwined | June 29th, 2006 at 7:52 pm
heh. SOMETIMES i wish my boyfriend would react a bit more dramatically when i threaten break-up (during arguments). he just says, “if that’s what you want” or “up to you”…. -__- but in the end, i’m still glad he kept his cool, because i would lose my respect for him to see him begging and pleading for me to stay. not to mention i might take him for granted too.
if i were in your position, i think i would want to take him home, nurse him, protect him and love him too, but it’s born out of pity and sympathy, because women are made to nurture, after all. :)
33. Charlie | June 30th, 2006 at 7:52 am
Gah, I’ve left this place alone for too long D:
This guy sounds like the type who’d leap off a condo roof somewhere after a break-up. Hope things turn out all right for him. :( The poor sod.
If I were there I would so offer him a gummy bear. Blackcurrant, even. :D
34. windy | June 30th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
i think u felt like u want to love him bcos u witnessed his tremendous capacity for love. he loved so much that he didn’t care he was crying in public, he didn’t care about pride. that’s very very attractive :)
35. Max | June 30th, 2006 at 8:36 pm
i do understand his feeling, i was once like him, being dumped by my ex. keep begging over the phone, exactly the same as what he did. i hope he’ll be better by now..
36. me | June 30th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
that’s why i don’t have a relationship. nothing is worth having some bitch fuck with your entire life - i’ve had one. all you girls, think you can just mess with us like that.. you like us, we’re supposed to slave over you, go out with you, spend money on you, you get bored, you just end it, and we’re supposed to take it? hah. as if. i have my revenge on women - i make them fall completely in love with me, and i break their heart in the most painful humiliating way possible. it makes me happy to see them plead (many even on their knees) - it makes up for the guys out there who plead when their girls just got bored, or “needed a change”. although in reality it’ll never make up - the number of women who fuck with the guys is always infinitely higher.
37. Calypso | July 2nd, 2006 at 1:22 am
me: you are most definitely a sad little twit with a sad life and you just made yourself the person you disliked most. And you can even think about posting your little ‘accomplishment’? Seriously your little entry insults the intelligence of men in general. Go castrate yourself.
38. ArtificiallyVerbose | July 2nd, 2006 at 2:18 am
me: i could go and argue along with your factless assumption game but life revolves around things bigger than your grand ‘revenge’ and oh so tragic heartbreak story. oh yeah, a little not so recent update dude, money does not make you interesting and lovable.
calypso: 10 bucks says he’s just some 14 year old twit who doesn’t know the meaning of love trying to write a faux-glory story
39. pinkpau | July 2nd, 2006 at 4:32 am
laziicat : wow, you date tough guys..!
young & naive : haha yes, the ubiquitous exclaimation of never being able to love the same way again .. :) too many people say it!
bulat : maybe i should write about my happy experiences instead of just the sad ones :P
ionstorm : not me.. what is it about?
ront : hehe i know
secretbear : that’s always what i think.. if your significant other just doesnt love/want you, why in the world should one fight so hard to keep him/her? it just .. doesnt sound right to me at all.
jay : terminator 2?!?!? hahaha you baby!!!
abby c : yea sometimes the hurting is so inevitable isnt it?
debbie : breaking up with someone isnt always a terrible thing. i quite agree with you :) there’s no point tying yourself to another if it’s just not going to work out.
susan : it’s so touching right? i guess it’s a girl thing to want a guy who would feel so deeply about the relationship!
marianne : that’s so heartbreaking. i cant believe he could do that to you after all you both went through and planned for :( *HUGS* and pleeeeeeeease meet up with kiffer and i this time around!!!!!!
kristof : the intelligent woman mind has changed that :)
calypso : but to put every single ounce of oneself into a relationship .. realistically, what if it doesnt end happily ever after, and the extreme commitment leads to a heartbreak that impedes future relationships?
artificially : agreed :)
jon : no it wasnt pity.. i just wanted to like. take him and wrap my arms and legs around him and SQUEEZE!
george : i am so CURIOUS!
vvens : yeah the poor guy .. :( but yup we wont ever know the reason, so i guess it’s quite unfair to assume the girl was the cruel one in this. i’ve had exbfs who cry and scream when we were breaking up, but they were the ones who screwed up in the first place.
justakid : where, where?
foreverjas : mmhmm :(
ianfluenza : so i see :)
nick au : truthfully, i dont see many guys begging and pleading after a breakup as they get older. so i was quite surprised that this guy reacted the way he did. sigh! the poor man.
entwined : HAHA omg i totally know what you mean about wanting to see more dramatic reactions ………. :P i used to get so pissed at my boyfriends if they dont get 100% alarmed when i wanted to break up with them. i’d be like, ‘why are you not alarmed! dont you love me!!’ hehehe
charlie : ooh come back :( and i want a blackcurrant gummy bear too!
windy : precisely .. :) but that’s probably half of the reason why i wanted to. besides being very very piqued by guys who can love and show commitment as much as i do, i also yearn to fill up holes in people’s lives. donno why but i do.
max : aww :( i hope you’ve healed, too.
me : what makes you think the girls in your life ended their relationship with you cos they were bored? :) such cowardly reasoning. when girls dump a guy, even if out of boredom, there must be something the guy lacks or is doing wrong. how unfair to blame jsut the girl if the guy isnt boyfriend material in the first place.
40. tryingtomakesenseofitall | July 2nd, 2006 at 11:06 pm
well, i’m a guy trying to get over an excruciatingly painful breakup. there’s no bells and whistles about me. i’m your typical all-american, loves sports, avid outdoorsmen, lots of friends kind of guy. i’m not afraid to admit it, there’s been many-a-time that i’ve come home from work, laid in the fetal position, and cried my eyes out for hours with a box of tissue along side of me. many males don’t handle it this way, but many of us do.
41. Calypso | July 3rd, 2006 at 1:58 am
Been there done that and doing it. Mope, mope some more and maybe a little bit more and then magically snap out of moping and get on with life.
42. tony | January 31st, 2007 at 6:31 am
what a shame wen i dumped my bf he just sed ’safe’ and the oda tme he sed somat like k i know.wen he didn’t even know i waz gona dump him .its a bit piss takn wen dey dnt plead or owt but then agn they keep there self respect dat way .but it wud be nice 2 c him plead as that way u know wat u mean 2 dem i thought he didnt giv a toss or somat.but he did i know
43. tony | January 31st, 2007 at 6:34 am
i loved him rly n still do but who cares am ove it
i loved ya harry but now i lov ta h8 ya
n i live ta h8 ya
n no am nt weird am just passn ma time gtn bored lolz
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