Archive for July, 2006
Reasons Why Today Is A Good Day
1. philosophy finals today was totally awesome
2. my first semester of college is over, yay! (well, i technically have one more paper … but it’s an easy one :D)
3. i finally finished that darn essay at 4am this morning!!! got really good feedback from my proofreaders, sooooo fingers crossed. like crossed really tight. (unless the proofreaders are lying just to make me happy, in which case .. GUYS DONT DO THIS TO ME! I’M VERY GULLIBLE OK!)
4. sorted out the stupid mess regarding my math finals, and i can now safely sit for my finals without jeopardizing my grade
5. had a really yummy lunch today at Italiannies with Afreak! he’s the coolest person ever to have Italian with, cos he’ll teach you what all the stuff on the menu really means. hey did you know that ‘arrabbiato’ as in Penne Arrabbiato means ‘angry’ in italian?? heehee i was giggling like mad today while eating my Pissed Off Pasta
6. i’m going to Milan with Afreak!!!!!!!!!!!!! … soon. i hope. i think. :(
7. America’s Next Top Model is back on Channel V :D tonight, people! 8pm! oh Nigel Barker, Jay Manuel and model-wannabes with eating disorders, it’s been far too long!
8. i bought 3 pairs of shoes today on a happy whim! but that’s not the best part.
best part : 70% OFF!!!
9. director’s girlfriend has just been booted from the play. she is now replaced by that girl i was talking about - the girl from the final callbacks whom i thought would get the part cos she was so good. HAH. a good call!!! i totally love that girl - she seriously is the perfect Evelyn.
10. i have finally met the evasive Booha! LIKE IN PERSON. naturally, we didnt get to camwhore cos she’s evasive like that, but nvm i’m happy enough already that i got to meet her :D after allllll theeeese yearsssss, babe, we finally meet!
and the last reason why today is a good day :
11. there’s about 5 more hours to the day :)
July 31st, 2006
i have my philosophy finals tomorrow but i havent even started studying. i think i need to learn to prioritise. anyway i just got this in my email, with the subject title - “this is what happens when you don’t study”.
hehehehehe. anyway the guy who couldnt solve the right-angle triangle problem is a real idiot. HELLO? 5cm lah!
July 30th, 2006
it is my last week of the semester - assignments and last-minute tests are pouring in as the academic term draws to a close. next week i’ve got my final papers to sit for, so i should be studying right now. all in all, it’s not a lot of work, but it’s work to do nevertheless.
yet i’m sitting here not doing anything productive, but i am instead doing things that make me happy : bloghopping, eating cream crackers dipped in warm Milo, reading celebrity gossip (Lance Bass of NSync is gay!) and replying emails from people i love. it’s nice to indulge in the simplicity of happy things once in a while. very, very nice.
looking at certain aspects of my life, i’m beginning to see that everything is way too complicated. trying to please people, or trying not to hurt people, just fucks things up. carpe diem, right? from today onwards i’m going to just giggle my way through life instead of treading on eggshells and holding back from things that make me happy.
actually, screw assignments. i’m going to the movies… hehe.
July 27th, 2006
“hey .. can you do me a favour?” i asked softly. “can you turn in left over here? just for a few minutes.”
“okay,” he complies as he turns the car into the quiet street. “what’s here?”
i dont answer for a while. all i do is press my face and hands to the car window and look out.
i’m looking at a house. it’s not the prettiest of houses, and not the most comforting either .. i knew it too short a time to really connect to it like i have come to do with most places. and the more i look at this house and take it in, the more i feel very forlorn. just like how i used to whenever i was in it. forlorn and lost and sincerely confused. this feeling is so painfully familiar.
despite all those sad emotions i feel when i’m in this house, and despite not having known it for very long, despite its imperfections … i love it. very much. because of what it inherently is - a house, belonging to someone very special. and so i wonder, as i stare at it, is this how true love feels like? to see something imperfect as perfect, even though you acknowledge all its flaws, even though you arent necessarily happy? loving something so blindly. is this what true love is?
he sits next to me quietly as the car idles in front of the sleeping house.
“someone i used to know lives here. or used to live here. i’m not really sure anymore,” i finally answer.
“were you close to him?”
“her.. it’s a her. and yeah i was very close to her. very, very close actually..”
“what happened?”
“i dont know. to be truthful i dont know if we were even really close at all.”
it’s hard to say how i felt around her. i’d like to say instantly that we were always so comfortable with each other, but i cant deny that somewhere in between the fringes of this comfort, there exists the grotesque feeling of putting on fronts. it’s like the aftertaste of telling a really big lie, and it exists on both our parts. hers is the mask of a person who can relate, mine is one of someone who is blissfully ignorant. our alteregos go well together. but it’s tough to discern if our real selves would have been best friends - i dont think we ever really showed that side of ourselves to each other.
“you wanna know something cute.. i used to sleep so well on the couch in her living room,” i muse out loud. “i always felt so safe. not cos of the house itself, but cos i knew it was her house that i was falling asleep in.”
he doesnt answer me, but pulls me close and holds me as i continue staring at this house. this house of john grisham novels, american idol, aglio olio pasta and speeches recorded on video camera. tension rests lightly above the roof of the house, but there is warmth and the protection of an umbrella in its driveway.
before i know it i am crying. hot splashes of tears that have been waiting many years for this one day. a day of recognition, realization, and regret. “dont cry,” he says. but how can i not? she meant so much to me, and now we cant go back to what it all used to be. we were just so scared of each other, scared to intrude and so fearful that the other person just isnt going to be welcoming.. and now time has facilitated all that was meant to happen.
i refresh her blog over and over again, desperate to learn something new about her. desperate for an update that i’ll never hear in person. desperate to feel the closeness. any closeness. i dont even ask for the closeness of sharing ipod earphones or the closeness of studying add math together … i just want something small and simple to remind me of how everything used to be.
it is just very painful. this knowledge. knowing that friendships die along with chart-topping hits in the year 2000. blink182 doesnt even exist anymore.
July 27th, 2006
i’ve just come back from a little weekend getaway. it was nice, lovely. very pigeonhole-like. would love to say it was one of those escapist getaways but it wasnt. i wish there was some way i could rid myself of my mind, or like, sort of just switch it off whenever situations call for a no-thinking disposition. but that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. cos i’m evolving into a cautious person, one who is always alert for the slightest sign. a sign that says, okay, this is when you stop. this is when you leave.
even in my sleep i’m not safe from this.
(btw, kenny, saw you at the airport. hehe)
i think the most defining moment of this little vacation was this part where my mood just plummeted, and i didnt feel like doing anything or saying anything. i just stood at the edge of the water and allowed myself to be consumed by the darkness of the sea and the sky that sort of merges into one big black expanse if you stare long and hard enough. the horizon disappears when you try hard to distinguish it. the nothingness swallows you if you let it.
of course, that wasnt my favourite moment of the weekend. i think it was the worst. and it spoilt the weekend. i’m so upset about it.
on a lighter note, we went to this fortune teller person who read my palm and my face. his biggest advice for me, besides that i shouldnt commit to any relationship before the age of 26, is that i should forever live a life of alkalic foods. apparently right now i turn blue litmus papers a bright red colour, and that’s not good.
the weekend passed by too quickly. i’ve got a slight panicked feeling, a stronger hurt feeling, and an underlying blissful feeling.
July 24th, 2006
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