Culmination

July 2nd, 2006

recently, i’ve started to sleep with the lights on. it’s strange because i’ve always been the sort who cant sleep if there is so much as a sliver of light coming from underneath the door or behind the curtains.

i havent been sleeping well either. 4 times out of 5 these days, i flop onto my bed just to take a break, but before i know it, i’ve fallen asleep. that means with my contacts on as well. so with the lights and my contacts on when i wake up, i see my room very differently compared to how i used to. previously, my room was always fuzzy and comfortable. now when i wake up, it’s a jarring kind of waking up, and the first thing i always think is, fuck did i oversleep?!

before i got my ixus500, i used to have an ixus400. but one day i dropped it while switching it on, and the expanded lens wouldnt retract anymore, nor could i turn the camera on. so my ixus400 was stuck in a pseudo operating mode, permanently looking like it is on but isnt really. after that, i put it on the shelves that face my bed, reminding myself to go get it fixed one day, but then when i got the ixus500 i completely forgot about it. so now everytime when i wake up, i see it on the shelves. it stares at me with it’s one-eyed open lens, sterile and cold – and it makes me feel like i’m being videotaped. it’s quite an eerie feeling. but sometimes i stare at it dead on. like i’m trying to tell it, i know you’re filming me.

————————————–

when i reach the apex of the situation, i cant say it. i just cant bring myself to. it’s not that i’m even fighting the urge or anything, cos there’s no urge. i want to just get this over and done with. but when i’m alone, things are different. there is an ease in how things are, and i can say whatever i want to say.

Entry Filed under: Musings