Really Me

July 13th, 2006

it’s been a sad month. i’ve been feeling dejected - dejected about missed chances, unachieved goals, distrust issues, and the fact that time is way too fleeting. i’d go on and on about how i cant believe it’s already mid July, but i dont really want to think about it.

recently i’ve had this need to just break away from people. familiarity breeding contempt is dangerously the situation of the moment. so i took some time off for myself today after college (did i mention that i missed 2 classes and was severly late for the other 1, for which my team was first in line to give a presentation?) to just do stuff i want to do alone. it was awesome. i spent an hour in How & Why reading book after book on interior design and architecture. this is really something i cant do if someone was with me - i’d feel so edgy and i’d be constantly worried if they were bored. so ironically, i always end up looking like the bored and fidgety one instead … and so we leave. but this time, it’s all cool. i have no one but myself to cater to. i want to stay and read, and so i do. i even buy a book. one that i wont be reading… but it just felt right to buy it. i saw it on the shelf a month ago, and subsequently placed an order for a new copy on a whim, though immediately after that i wasnt sure if it was a good idea to get it. but now that i’ve seen it another time, it’s confirmed - i do want it. i’m pretty sure it’s the right book.

after that i treated myself to ice cream at New Zealand’s. who cares what Lam (trainer) will think! what i need is cookies and cream in a waffle cone with hot fudge! the last time i had this exact combo, i bumped into Robert who was with Chew’s sister and another guy whose name i forgot. marcus i think. it was so awkward cos i havent seen Robert in so damn long. i remember he asked me, “so do you still live at the same place?” and i laughed and said, “robert! it’s only been 6 months!”. but 6 months is a long time. i bumped into Robert again yesterday at Mid Valley. he walked right into me on purpose, going aiiiiiiiiyaaaak and making me freak out cos i thought i’d hurt a stranger badly. it was a nice bumping-into this time around - no awkward questions or uneasy shuffling of feet. we’re cool now.

i lean against the railing for a while, eating my ice cream out of a waffle cone, and just looking at people below walking past me. i can see a lot from my vantage point. what i cannot see however is a restaurant that has grown to become special. it’s directly below me and a little bit to the southeast, unfortunately i cant see through floors. and i cant see through people’s obstinations and my own mind games. sometimes i think if i just took things less seriously and were more of a 21st century girl, i’d be a lot happier. i wouldnt be asking why? so much. anyway back to the restaurant. it’s got meaning now. a hidden meaning, but still. maybe over time i’ll learn how to uncover the secret more efficiently, at the same time making it look like i wasnt the one who uncovered it. but until then, i shall just blame a dying interest and seeming arrogance.

MPH the bookstore is the next place i wander into. it’s nice to not have a plan, nice to just wander. sometimes i question why i only feel like this on some levels but not all. like i’ve always known myself to be an impulsive person who never really plans for anything, but does everything on a whim and at the very last minute possible. but then there are times when i practice caution unrelentlessly and almost staunchly, to an extent that it becomes ridiculous. so does that mean i am impulsive or not? or a little bit of both? i looked at recipe books in MPH. never really got why people pay so much money for them when you can get better recipes (with reviews too!) online. stared at the bestseller shelf and instantly remembered why i never feel comfy sneaking reads in any MPHs besides the one in Mid Valley or 1U. this branch, like all the rest, feels too small and too dark and too inadequate and not well stocked enough. i dont stay long enough to read a few synopses or to buy a book… this isnt MPH Mid Valley!

after buying a few cards for the July and August babies, i bounded over to Starbucks. as usual i dont finish my drink. i’m really just there to see if the baristas are nice. is it just me or are Starbucks baristas damn interesting people? young and quirky and cute. they know good music too. when i was finished with Starbucks i went shopping. shopping makes me happy usually, but sometimes it depresses me too. today it was a little bit of both. today is a fairly dualistic day. and that’s quite unsettling. what is a dualistic day? does that mean you are at the ends of both extremes or are you in the middle, in between both? when people ask me so how was your day?, and i say, ‘it was good and bad’, i always feel like it’s a weird thing to say. just like when people tell me that, i believe that they are not telling me the truth. anyways the moneychanger dude at the currency exchange next to The Social asked me if i was from the States. and i said yes, but like, i’m totally here on like summer school? and then he asked where in the States and i thought of Chris and i said San Francisco. and he said ahhhh but you look Chinese? and then i said, hello? that soooo doesnt make me any less Americannnnn. he said sorry. then i laughed and said no lah i bluff you only, i’m from KL wan. he laughed too. it was a funny conversation, one that lifted my mood considerably. i later had to go back to exchange more money and this time i told him i was REALLY from Nebraska (puppy i thought of you). hehe he didnt buy it this time. so much for farces eh?

snippets of conversations i overheard in Bangsar today :

“and i already spoke to the engineering team..” - plump middleaged caucasian man walking up the steps to Bangsar Village

“i dont know how to make that” - caucasian brunette to her caucasian brunette friend at the vegetable aisle in Bangsar Village’s supermarket

“but i spend a lot of time with Wai Yee too!” - guy with a group of Coffee Bean staff having dinner at Nirwana

“she’s so like that wan la. sometimes i dont know what the hell it’s going to take to change her.” - girl at the table behind mine in Starbucks, to her boyfriend. she was having a caramel macchiato.

“this is the 4th time i’m telling you” - tall lanky indian guy with a light blue shirt on the phone

“MUMMMM CAN I HAVE A SUPERMAN BOOK” - young toddler at MPH with a bowl-cut hairstyle

“jason, dont yell” - mother of said toddler

“it’s fuchsia, honey, not pink” - flamboyant male sales assistant at Blook

Entry Filed under: General, Musings

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