All The Small Things
July 27th, 2006
“hey .. can you do me a favour?” i asked softly. “can you turn in left over here? just for a few minutes.”
“okay,” he complies as he turns the car into the quiet street. “what’s here?”
i dont answer for a while. all i do is press my face and hands to the car window and look out.
i’m looking at a house. it’s not the prettiest of houses, and not the most comforting either .. i knew it too short a time to really connect to it like i have come to do with most places. and the more i look at this house and take it in, the more i feel very forlorn. just like how i used to whenever i was in it. forlorn and lost and sincerely confused. this feeling is so painfully familiar.
despite all those sad emotions i feel when i’m in this house, and despite not having known it for very long, despite its imperfections … i love it. very much. because of what it inherently is - a house, belonging to someone very special. and so i wonder, as i stare at it, is this how true love feels like? to see something imperfect as perfect, even though you acknowledge all its flaws, even though you arent necessarily happy? loving something so blindly. is this what true love is?
he sits next to me quietly as the car idles in front of the sleeping house.
“someone i used to know lives here. or used to live here. i’m not really sure anymore,” i finally answer.
“were you close to him?”
“her.. it’s a her. and yeah i was very close to her. very, very close actually..”
“what happened?”
“i dont know. to be truthful i dont know if we were even really close at all.”
it’s hard to say how i felt around her. i’d like to say instantly that we were always so comfortable with each other, but i cant deny that somewhere in between the fringes of this comfort, there exists the grotesque feeling of putting on fronts. it’s like the aftertaste of telling a really big lie, and it exists on both our parts. hers is the mask of a person who can relate, mine is one of someone who is blissfully ignorant. our alteregos go well together. but it’s tough to discern if our real selves would have been best friends - i dont think we ever really showed that side of ourselves to each other.
“you wanna know something cute.. i used to sleep so well on the couch in her living room,” i muse out loud. “i always felt so safe. not cos of the house itself, but cos i knew it was her house that i was falling asleep in.”
he doesnt answer me, but pulls me close and holds me as i continue staring at this house. this house of john grisham novels, american idol, aglio olio pasta and speeches recorded on video camera. tension rests lightly above the roof of the house, but there is warmth and the protection of an umbrella in its driveway.
before i know it i am crying. hot splashes of tears that have been waiting many years for this one day. a day of recognition, realization, and regret. “dont cry,” he says. but how can i not? she meant so much to me, and now we cant go back to what it all used to be. we were just so scared of each other, scared to intrude and so fearful that the other person just isnt going to be welcoming.. and now time has facilitated all that was meant to happen.
i refresh her blog over and over again, desperate to learn something new about her. desperate for an update that i’ll never hear in person. desperate to feel the closeness. any closeness. i dont even ask for the closeness of sharing ipod earphones or the closeness of studying add math together … i just want something small and simple to remind me of how everything used to be.
it is just very painful. this knowledge. knowing that friendships die along with chart-topping hits in the year 2000. blink182 doesnt even exist anymore.
Entry Filed under: Musings
29 Comments Add your own
1. voonkiat | July 27th, 2006 at 2:56 am
hi pinkpau =)
Sighz, it’s sad isn’t it. Sometimes you don’t even know what went wrong. perhaps cirumstances change, perhaps its the change of environment, maybe its the distance between us, well i dunno. conversations run dry. its like u just dont know him/her anymore.
Anyways, love your blog hehe, really nice =) & since u were too busy i googled pinkpau to find your blog =P
2. alvin | July 27th, 2006 at 3:20 am
Well, you cant possibly have a ‘duran duran’ friendship all the time. Sometimes, they just ….go.
Stay well :-).
3. Kevin | July 27th, 2006 at 5:25 am
Haiyar, just admit it you had HLA in that house =P
4. prawn | July 27th, 2006 at 7:12 am
Yeh, understand those kind of situation. One day ur close frens then suddenly ur far apart for no reason.
its hard to understand wat really went wrong in the 1st place. It may take years before u learn the real truth. If u really want to know wat really happened just ask her. But be warned, the truth can hurt.
Anyways, keep on blogging & stay happy =)
5. argee | July 27th, 2006 at 9:33 am
sigh. it’s as if friendships had expiry dates :/
hope u can get a closure of some sort.
6. Sv | July 27th, 2006 at 10:49 am
is she lost forever?things will always be better of u put effort into making em better… XD closure…
7. Kyels | July 27th, 2006 at 11:18 am
Hey girl … It’s amazin’ how you speak your heart out and believe me this post made me reflect back on my past — or rather recent track backs in my life. Things that happened recently.
I felt that way for my best friend too. But she is gone now. Just recently and I am feelin’ the pain in me and it’s just so strong that I am too numb to even speak or feel whatever that’s left in me.
I refresh her blog everyday too; hoping that she’d write something that will remind me of our friendship or the love that we’ve shared but there’s nothin’ for me to see. Or to acknowledge. All the memories lies in my head but the friendship — is crumblin’. I have tried to save it many times but there were no reciprocation. I did not even know what I did wrong.
The void in me is really big and I do miss that friend of mine. Everytime I close my eyes, it reminds me of everything that we’ve shared and it’ll bring tears to my eyes.
Hence, I know what you are feelin’ inside your little heart. It’s painful but I guess we’ll have to move on even though we would not want to. Believe me, I never wanted to acknowledge that I have lost her … Cherish the sweet memories.
I hope in due time you will be fine soon … *hugs*
8. Sam | July 27th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Got your blog link from TokkokPatrickTeoh or something.Haha,i’m not too sure myself,forgotten.So how are you doing?When do you usually go online-msn?
9. ront | July 27th, 2006 at 2:32 pm
whaddya mean by ‘gone’?
10. Ven | July 27th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
very sad to hear. i cud imagine myself lookin at the sleepin house.
i lost my best friend once, i refuse to disacknowledge her in my life due to the close bond we had but somehow along the way, i were no longer part of her life. our moments of chatting,mamak-ing, starbuck-ing all vanished over the night. no consideration of what happened before ending the friendship. Even received an email to terminate the frenship (sounds contractual without knowing what are the exclusion clause that I blindly signed ages ago). I was cast out of her life for no good reason. It hurts…it just hurts…5 years of frenship for nothing in the end…but still i wish she is doing great out there. I really do. and hope one fine day, she would say hello to me once again. I pray hard for you, that hopefully someday you will be acknowledged. memories don’t die. they’re only kept deep within.
11. supersara | July 27th, 2006 at 3:04 pm
yeah. that’s the pathetic part of friendships huh? that they die. and then you wonder if you ever left a footprint at all. because if you did, then the friendship sure as hell wouldn’t die too fast huh.
=(
12. steph | July 27th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
friendships come and go and thats a sad fact of life. on a lighter note, you also make heaps of new ones along the way. perhaps, one shouldnt mourn the loss of a friendship but celebrate what that friend has introduced and bettered in the course of your friendship. =)
*hugz*
13. Ken | July 27th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
A lil off topic but that’s the special thing about music. One or another bring forth or has a memory, good or bad, in it.
Some, I can just keep playing and playing and playing.
Life is an adventure of sound?
14. jimmy | July 27th, 2006 at 7:13 pm
check out the fray- hundred.
15. Calypso | July 28th, 2006 at 12:59 am
There is always time for reconcilation. If its worth it why not go all out for it? Its never too late
16. Jon | July 28th, 2006 at 8:54 am
Su Ann.. You don’t know how much I relate to this… but I do… in every way possible…
OMG how did you make a grown up boy cry in front of his computer!!
17. pinkpau | July 28th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
voonkiat : not so much we drift apart .. i think more like we were never close in the first place. sorta just pretended to ourselves that we were. i donno la, so complicated. hehe u googler.
alvin : puppy whats a duran duran friendship. is it like the band?
kevin : wtf is HLA??? can u stop spoiling all my emo posts with ur weirdness anot! u think ur bday then u very big issit!
prawn : ask? the thought of that scares the shit outta me .. hehe confrontations with people you’re close with are never easy.
argee : probably will never :(
sv : definitely not lost forever but the gap is getting big.
kyels : i’m sorry to hear about your friend :( it’s never nice when things like that happen. i guess sometimes when there’s no answer for why a friendship falls apart, it always goes back to the whole familiarity breeds contempt thing. *hugs*
sam : oh u know patrick? cool :D i’m online at night usually. hey drop me ur msn! lets get officially acquainted ..!
ront : are you addressing kyels or me?
ven : an email? oh man that’s brutal. *hugs* i feel ya. and dont say it was for nothing .. :)
supersara : exactlyyy.
steph : but i want her back..
ken : more than just sound! and why are u so random? :D
jimmy : you’re random too, but ok, will check out The Fray ..!
calypso : it’s going to be so awkward. it’s like we’d both rather ignore the fact that this rift is there, yknow?
jon : i’m sorry :( i didnt mean to.
18. turquoise | July 28th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
i had a friend like yours. we were supposed to be best friends but in fact we never were. i still see her in school but i don’t know what to say to her only “hi”. we just drifted apart when we were put in different classes. till this day i dunno if we were even close at all like you said.
19. voonkiat | July 28th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
err.. hehe i didnt mean we, me n u.. meant someone else hehehe :P sorry
20. voonkiat | July 28th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
opps , u meant you and your fren is it? hehe.. sorry got you wrong hehe.
21. Jon | July 28th, 2006 at 6:54 pm
lmao pinky… it’s all cool :) i was just jk lah, omg don’t take everything i say seriously… else i might have to start using sarcastic tags :P
22. pinkpau | July 28th, 2006 at 7:01 pm
turqoise : the kind of best friends where like u become best friends cos u sit together and then when u dont sit together anymore, ur not best friends?
voonkiat : hehe yes i meant me and my friend :P
jon : hehe okok :D
23. jennie | July 28th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
*hugs* my favourite post by you by far though. really hits a spot if you know what i mean… (:
24. alvin | July 29th, 2006 at 12:23 am
well, a blink182 friendship would be a short one. Duran duran kind of friendship supposedly lasts longer.
Lame metaphor, i know :).
25. Sv | July 29th, 2006 at 12:39 am
the gap can be lessened im sure.. give it a try pinkpau…..
26. prawn | July 29th, 2006 at 8:06 am
Well… if u dot ask u never know. But yeah, its scary to confront ppl ur close with. It took me years ( 1 year actually =P ) before i got the courage to ask my best fren abt the problem we were facing. And it took another year just for us to become close frens again =)
I hope u do settle the differences with ur fren cuz in the long run it just keeps bothering u =)
27. Kyels | July 29th, 2006 at 10:33 am
Yep Pink Pau. When we do not get the answer of why it crumbled down to pieces we tend to go searching for the answers. It’s just normal but it hurts really badly at the same time. I hope you are feeling better by now … *hugs*
28. tze | July 29th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
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29. Lesbian Making Love Video&hellip | July 8th, 2007 at 10:02 pm
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I don’t agree with you in 100%, but you covered some good points regarding this topic…
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