Things People Blog About In Sleep Deprived Stupors
August 1st, 2006
i’m having all these laced conversations. a lot of open-ended questions that are purposely not followed-up, a lot of propositions, a lot of allusions that hint at the possibility of something else. basically just one big mindfuck after another. even the punctuations seem malicious with ulterior motives.
when i say i am confused, i really am. when i say i am confused but i dont know why, i really do know why. but it’s so hard to explain why i’m confused. when i try to, i say a lot of things i shouldnt say. things like, but i’m not in love with you. things like, but i’m already seeing somebody. things like, i feel the same way too..
and i want to know why ambiguity is the frustrating little aggravation that it is. it’s so exasperating. it makes me want to stop guessing, makes me want to slam my hands on the table and scream, will you tell me what the fuck is going on already? it makes me feel like i’m desperate to ignore it, but it’s here and there and everywhere - in my hair and in my clothes. i cant stop thinking about it, cant stop trying to figure out what it is. it’s like having a word on the tip of my tongue and not being able to get anything accomplished until i figure out what the word is. ambiguity consumes me until i start to defend myself against it with itself. fight fire with fire, fight ambiguity with more ambiguity. i only do it because it keeps chipping away at my heart, and i need to somehow stop this chipping.
i wish someone would tell me, ’su ann, on thursday morning from 1100 to 1300 hours in Room 12.8 you will sit for an exam. the topic is ambiguity. read up. goodbye.’ because then i would go all out of my way to find out what ambiguity is. why people employ it. what it’s for. what it does, its inner mechanics. right now i dont really have the drive to acquaint myself with it, because the urgency is not there, but i suspect this is just another case of bad judgment.
judgment. i should suspend all judgment. hold back from committing myself to any one belief. but i cant. it’s just so hard not to.
Entry Filed under: Musings
