A Stolen Day

i am feeling slightly weirded out. a little bit wistful, a little bit blissful. it’s a strange sensation - right now i want nothing more than to just curl up in bed under heavy blue winter duvets or happy orangey-red summer covers. there’s so much i want to say. the words would come easily. but sometimes i just think that there’s always a better time to say them, a more perfect time.

but when that time never comes, i feel a sense of relief. like, thank goodness i hadnt said what i wanted to say, look how things ended up anyway. yet there’s always this persistent little suspicion that tugs on the ends of my hair, nagging me - whispering nasty taunts like how maybe saying what i had to say would have saved the situation. and how it’s too late now. always too late.

these taunts make me cry. they always make me ask What If? but i dont have the answers. i’m only human. i’m also curious. i think that if i had a crystal ball that would show me the futures of alternate paths, of roads not taken - i wouldnt mind not having lived those futures. i’d be content just seeing and knowing.

there are a lot of things that i want. i want this to be serious but i predict it’s not going to be possible. maybe this is another one of those self-fullfilling prophesies. maybe if i shut up and stopped saying things like that, this could be serious. but i’m not sure of my footing. this is like a strange dance and we are playing by ear.

anyway i guess most of you have figured out by now that i’m in a long distance relationship. it sucks, kinda. i’ve never been an LDR-type person. i need touches, i need hugs. i need kisses that give way to the very cute enquiry of, “why? love me izzit?”, which in turn gives way to the answer of “maaaaaaaybe”…

i am lying on red bedsheets under which there is a hidden electric blanket, for the winter. i am staring at curtains the colour of lemon cheesecake, and in the bathroom there is an orange toothbrush .. as well as a lot of haircare products, because the boyfriend is very vain. right now i’m using his laptop which is a Fujitsu Lifebook, and the reason i’m taking this time to blog is because he’s working and not at home to complain that i’m neglecting him for the internet. (not that i do that) to my left are cards i DHLed him for his birthday. to my immediate right is a blue box in which reside the lonely and the ostracized.

in the living room are some flowers i bought at Gage Street. twice i almost dropped the vase - once because i tripped over a step on the travelator, and another one more time when i was searching for my mobile. i also left the vase of flowers on the instant noodle counter at 7-11 for a full 10 minutes before i remembered to run back and get it. poor vase. there there. you will be safe in the Martian’s place. i leave tomorrow, and will no longer terrorize you or abandon you in overly-bright convenience stores where Pocky and Vitasoy are the only things worth spending time with.

i dont really know what to say. the panicked feeling is gone, but in its place now is a very empty kind of despondency.

Comments August 17th, 2006

Lam as in Tram

i sit on the plush red sofa, simply waiting. i’d just filled out a little slip of paper, deliberately leaving out some fields, fields that i couldnt have filled in anyway even if i wanted to. this couch is comfortable. i’m feeling fidgety and i want to giggle because this is a very funny situation i’m in. i should sit still but i’m afraid that if i do, i’ll burst out laughing. so i try to read this book i’d just bought. but the words dont make sense and i have to read the sentences over and over again. i vaguely wonder, with a slight bemusement, if this is how my best friend felt all those months ago. i’m guessing not.

they call my name and i am brought to meet an old man. his utterance of realization betrayed a slight surprise but he quickly covered it up. he fires a series of questions at me and i answer all of them with a No. he seems pleased. i wait for some advice but he doesnt give me any. this is a very objective guy.

“can i keep that?” i ask the woman as she puts two orange bundles in my hands. upon hearing my question, she quickly crumples up the foil that held the bundles and vehemently shakes her head. “No no no, you cannot! cannot!” she says with much gusto. i cant help but laugh. i just want it for a keepsake. but i understand her reluctance.

i walk out of the room feeling very giggly. this is so funny. this is one of the little things that i will remember most about this new planet.

Comments August 17th, 2006