Being Blair

October 12th, 2006

‘ugh.’

i squeeze my eyes shut and exhale slowly.

tears are escaping from the corners of my eyes. but these tears dont snake down my cheeks gracefully the way they do in movies - in real life, they just clump together wetly on my eyelashes. but when this happens, blinking feels nice. the world looks clearer and everything feels fresher. it’s a very convincing pseudo-sensation; i’m always fooled.

i lean forward and press my hands against the wall. the white tiles are cool to the touch, and it makes me feel so much better. without thinking, i press my cheek to the wall as well. the relief is instantaneous - i can almost visualize the heat from my body being sucked out to the surface of my skin, and then spreading like a thin layer over the first tile, then the four tiles surrounding that, and the four tiles surrounding those.. and so on until the entire wall is covered with a film of trapped heat, heat that used to be mine. and i can then peel myself away from the wall, my body now feeling cool and rejuvenated. revitalized. unsickly.

moving away from the wall, i sigh as i try to sort out my emotions. this happens so often but feels so new each time. i decide that today i’m feeling seven parts dissatisfaction and two parts regret. the last remaining part is dedicated to meaningful meditation on the subject of promises. i come to a realization that every time someone makes me promise them something that i am reluctant to do, i seal the promise but never really intend to keep it. i dont even try. which explains why i’m still in the current situation, doing what i am doing.

i catch sight of myself in the mirror. this is a ritual. i am pale and my eyeliner has run from the pool of tears that are still in my eyes. this is usual. i splash water on my face, and once again, visualize the heat from my face leaving me via the cold tap water. this feels good.

after what feels like too little time, i turn off the water and realize that there are no tissues in here. i exit and tiptoe around the rooms looking for tissue, but cant find any. slightly irritated, i increase my pace and look in places i wouldnt normally look. but still no tissue.

but as i exit the last room, i almost collide into a person. a woman, older than me but not by much. immediately, i snap into social mode. or more accurately, you’re-not-alone mode. or, you’re-being-judged mode.

i give her a big grin and ask her if she knows where the tissues are.

she looks at me shyly and blushes before she darts past me and grabs a box of tissues that are sitting on the desk in plain sight. for a moment i am flabbergasted - how could i not have seen those tissues? they were right under my nose!

i thank her, still smiling, as she passes me the box. she continues looking at me, blushing and fidgeting. all of a sudden she starts to giggle self-consciously, and she says to me, while avoiding my eyes -

“you’re very pretty. you’re very very pretty.”

as she finishes her sentence, my brain is already kicking into action the proper and most socially apt response. there is no leeway for faux surprise or speechlessness. i’m not even thinking or actively processing anything as i listen to myself laugh and thank her politely. it was like an out-of-body experience, or watching someone else responding to that compliment. in that brief exchange, i felt that my sense of self was not existent. that the talking, smiling, politely laughing me was really just a shell programmed to maximize all social situations with 100% efficiency, and nothing else.

after she left the room, i sat on the bed.

she thinks i’m pretty.

suddenly i feel foolish. i squeeze my eyes shut as i flop face down onto the bed. this time, the tears flow steadily down my cheeks. just like in the movies.

Entry Filed under: Musings