I Want You Cut Into Little Stars
i just glanced at the Cosmo mag i bought a couple of days ago, the one with Katherine Heigl on the cover. it said ‘December 2006′ on the spine, and for a while there i thought to myself, “but December is months away!”
but no.. December is only 2 days from now. i remember this time last year i felt exactly like this, like the year had ended too soon and i had done absolutely shit. here’s a blogpost i wrote then, on the 27th of November 2005. it’s so damn strange how the same words can be used to describe emotions i’m feeling and situations i’m going through one year later.
i feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey. i want what i need and i need what i cant have. this is just too abrupt for me and really, i cant take this. things whirled by us too fast perhaps and now it’s all gone. i’m nearing december now but it feels like july never ended. bring back all the incense and the new age music, i’ll take it now, really i will.
you mentioned that place with the good cheesecake. i had to go in there just to try it. when i sat down i wondered if this was the table you sat at when you were here. was this your chair? did the same waitress serve you? if only this place had walls that spoke. i’d talk to them and i’d ask them all about you, so that they may tell me things about you that i have yet to learn. your suave idiosyncrasies that taste like white wine on my lips and then is gone before i even know it.
if i could go back to then i wouldnt have taken things for granted. i wouldnt have said those things. i would have taken all my catty cutting words back and i would have held your hand more. i would have done the little things like rest my head against your shoulder and trace the veins on your arm and i would have i would have i would have.
i dont feel for you the way i squeeze my eyes shut and try to stop thinking about you so i can sleep at night. i dont feel for you the way i cry when i watch sad love stories. i dont feel for you the way i try to burn all the things that ever meant something. no it’s nothing like that. this is different, this is new. this is feeling for you like i want to write a whole book about you in black cursive on ivory paper with a feather quill. this is feeling for you like i want to lie down with you on some faraway grassy hill and have the unseen camera pan around us 50000 dizzy times before it loses itself in the sky. this is feeling for you like how i wished i had taken that chance instead of being so bloody stupidddddddd.
we never had the goodnight sleeptight sort of relationship. why?
i remember writing this post. i’d just had some godiva. one year later, i am in love with the person who gave me that box of godiva.
November 29th, 2006
