What It’s Like

i’ve got it. after staring squinty-eyed at the ceiling and the half-drawn curtains and twirling my hair around my finger for a very long time, and an even longer time before that, i’ve finally got it. this is what it’s like. this is my real answer. no more hedging, no more excuses, no more half-true answers or not-true-at-all answers. this is what i should say without sounding vague, or following up with a dumb ‘i dont know’, or sounding brutally ruthless. ruthlessly brutal. unkind. uncertain.

so it’s like this. it’s like moving from a house you have lived in for like, forever. a house whose corners you know inside out, know which paintings have safeboxes behind them, know which plates go in which cupboards. there are weird little knickknacks on the shelves from family and old friends, the kitchen perpetually smells like good food, the refridgerator has to-do lists tacked on it. it’s homey, it’s soft, it’s warm, it’s got you written all over it. you live in this place.

and then one day, you’re just picked up and thrown out of this house. into a new house. at first you dont mind cos this place looks beautiful. it’s classy, it’s elaborate, it’s a bloody gorgeous house. the sort you see in movies or interior design catalogues. you’re excited, you love it here. but after a while of living in there, you find that you just want to move out. cos this house isnt you. it isnt home. you didnt pick the furniture. you didnt pick the lights. you didnt choose the gravel that goes in the driveway. you have had no impact on this house at all.

so many people have lived in this house prior to you - and while you are the one who lives here now, you cant help but feel that those other people have a stronger connection to this house than you ever will. in every room, you walk into someone else’s memory of the place. the walls have other people’s fingerprints, the bed has the smell of sex, and you dont know why the window in the kitchen is broken.

this house feels secondhand. it feels plastic. and it makes you feel temporary.

and so you just want to move out. and find a place that’s you.

8 comments November 12th, 2006