What It’s Like
November 12th, 2006
i’ve got it. after staring squinty-eyed at the ceiling and the half-drawn curtains and twirling my hair around my finger for a very long time, and an even longer time before that, i’ve finally got it. this is what it’s like. this is my real answer. no more hedging, no more excuses, no more half-true answers or not-true-at-all answers. this is what i should say without sounding vague, or following up with a dumb ‘i dont know’, or sounding brutally ruthless. ruthlessly brutal. unkind. uncertain.
so it’s like this. it’s like moving from a house you have lived in for like, forever. a house whose corners you know inside out, know which paintings have safeboxes behind them, know which plates go in which cupboards. there are weird little knickknacks on the shelves from family and old friends, the kitchen perpetually smells like good food, the refridgerator has to-do lists tacked on it. it’s homey, it’s soft, it’s warm, it’s got you written all over it. you live in this place.
and then one day, you’re just picked up and thrown out of this house. into a new house. at first you dont mind cos this place looks beautiful. it’s classy, it’s elaborate, it’s a bloody gorgeous house. the sort you see in movies or interior design catalogues. you’re excited, you love it here. but after a while of living in there, you find that you just want to move out. cos this house isnt you. it isnt home. you didnt pick the furniture. you didnt pick the lights. you didnt choose the gravel that goes in the driveway. you have had no impact on this house at all.
so many people have lived in this house prior to you – and while you are the one who lives here now, you cant help but feel that those other people have a stronger connection to this house than you ever will. in every room, you walk into someone else’s memory of the place. the walls have other people’s fingerprints, the bed has the smell of sex, and you dont know why the window in the kitchen is broken.
this house feels secondhand. it feels plastic. and it makes you feel temporary.
and so you just want to move out. and find a place that’s you.
Entry Filed under: Musings
9 Comments Add your own
1. reallybites | November 12th, 2006 at 10:57 pm
I wanted to take a guess on what you were talking about but then i tot better dont la…i cant be that lucky three times in a row…keke.
eh what’s cheap / nice in hk? for shopping. are the espirit u2 sneakers etc there cheaper?
2. Sze | November 13th, 2006 at 5:03 am
well, depending on whether you’re renting or have invested in a mortgage, it’s up to you to repaint the walls and have the panes replaced. or move out.
if the house you’re referring to is the one i’ve lived in.
3. Johann | November 13th, 2006 at 7:46 am
You have to find your home, a house is not your home unless you make your own impression on it ;)
4. somebody | November 13th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
hi pinkpau…i saw u with ur boyfriend in the chocolate shop in mid valley just now. u look so cute when u choosing the chocolate, jump here jump there wan =) haha…
5. pinkpau | November 13th, 2006 at 11:17 pm
reallybites : after conversion, stuff in hk are definitely more expensive. better to shop back home
sze : that’s the difficult part. deciding which course of action.
johann : its a little harder than that i believe
somebody : haha that wasnt my boyfriend. and why didnt u say hi!
6. sweat | November 14th, 2006 at 10:02 am
i totally get what u mean. i’m not gonna give a sound advice cause i don’t know how to and you probably won’t need it anyway.
so if anything, you know i’m available to talk (although my status is perpetually busy in MSN but wht the heck come and talk to me!!)
7. pinkpau | November 14th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
cis =( say lah! i always thought u busy camming with the Baz, thats why a bit wary to mssg u. cos if barry is like julian, means u cannot talk to other ppl when u camming with him wan. -____-
8. spot | November 30th, 2006 at 2:53 pm
Hello pinkpau.
Stumbled here from googling Marche and MIGF.
Just wanted to say that this post is an excellent piece of writing. The metaphor is just so…right.
Looking fwd to a good ol procrastinating trawl thru your archives.
9. 1. Why I link Su Ann (Pin&hellip | November 18th, 2008 at 10:50 am
[...] HERE to read [...]
Leave a Comment
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed