Epoch

the other day i dreamt that waimin broke up with her boyfriend. it was a violent, painful breakup, and when i woke up, there was a feeling of deep remorse, and what was unmistakably guilt, crawling all over my back. when one first wakes up, perception is always fuzzy around the edges though internally you think that all your thoughts make perfect sense and that everyone around you are fools. sometimes there is a little bit of confusion. but when i woke up that morning, i could feel everything very acutely, from the reason why i felt guilty to the naggy feeling of the cramp in my toes. and i felt that everyone around me were fools.

how do you recognise a beginning when you see one? is there an established marker that tells you so; like a gunshot into the air, a nervous question, a missed call? or are all these merely symbols of a very superficial and desultory beginning, and the real beginning is the beginning when you say it is?

likewise, how do you recognise an end when it is here? and what do you do. are there perfect ways to execute an end? is there a socially optimal method of dealing with ends? what if i dont wanna deal with ends.. what if i just wanna leave them on the table like i did with this blueberry cheese tart i bought from the night market the other day, and watch what happens? my mother ate it, that’s what happened. and that’s perfect, i thought to myself. a 10 out of 10 if i ever saw one.

songjun’s mom called me the other day while i was having my exams. i dont have her number on my mobile anymore, but i recognised it immediately upon sight as i was checking my missed calls. is this a beginning or an end, i wondered. or the end of an end?

as i write this i’m on my way to the airport in a cab marked with the ID number 444. i smirked a little bit when i saw it, and told the cabbie that my restless spirit would seek him and his ominously-numbered cab out if my plane crashed. he laughed. then i said, ‘me getting into your cab is the beginning of the end’. he laughed again. ‘it’s not funny’, i reply, with a smile nonetheless, despite the lack of humour in the situation from my point of view. he doesnt say anything but looks at me quizzically in the rearview mirror.

finally i answer, ‘because ends are like blueberry cheese tarts’.

Comments December 6th, 2006