Hypothetically You

January 11th, 2007

this is what it was like. i was confused and i was unbelieving. reading the words over and over again, a million questions popped into my head. ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ was one of them. ‘when did this happen?’, ‘how did this happen?’, ‘why dont i know this?’.

but i didnt ask. i faked nonchalance. but as i was standing there in the shower, i didnt realize the water was so hot, it was burning my skin. i wanted to throw up, and i felt so dirty. i wanted to wash out my mouth, i wanted to drown myself in my body shop bath gel. i wanted to shed all my skin and just step out of it, leaving it all on the bathroom floor and in the space where i decided that i would draw the line and just. go ahead with it.

i remember how i felt. i was so scared. i’d never done it in my life. and after the first few moments, it was suddenly so easy and i began to like it. i kept repeating in my head – it’s ok, it’s ok. just breathe. gather up all your courage and do it. and i did it. it wasnt what i expected but i learnt something from it.

fast forward x amount of time, and i am leaning on the banister of a curving staircase, with a guy behind us eavesdropping. ‘it’s just that.. it was the same trip, you know?’ i said softly. she starts frowning and jumping up and down in that way she usually does, and she says, ‘i cant believe it i cant believe it i cant believe it’. all i can say is, ‘i know.. me neither.’

it’s been a long year
since we last spoke
how’s your halo?
just between you and i
you and me and the satellites
i never believed you
i only wanted to
before all of this
what did i miss?
i cant get used to it
i’ll never get used to it

that’s strays dont sleep – for blue skies. aira sent me that song.

Entry Filed under: Musings