Proxy

i asked him, what if i fall out of love with you because i dont see you often enough? what if i fall out of love with you because we dont talk enough?

he replied with, what do you mean what if? how am i supposed to answer that?

Martian and i have come to that stage in our relationship where we dont talk everyday anymore. i dont know why or how we’ve arrived at this. let me attempt to describe this feeling that i feel as i observe myself at this stage - it’s like standing at the edge of a pool, looking out at the clear blue water.. and then before you know it, someone has pushed you in. that split second that you’re clawing air and have yet to hit the water but have also realized that some fucker has just pushed you in .. that’s the feeling i’m talking about.

after that, it’s like you dont quite recover your breath. it’s the strangest feeling. but i’ve found that the best cure to it is simply crawling into bed and rubbing my cheek against the covers. and sighing. sighing helps so much. i’m only just beginning to find all these little surrogate acts that come the closest to making me sleep well again. i’m only just beginning to find that i can spend certain moments by myself, and still enjoy them after all.

Comments February 3rd, 2007

A Different Shade Of Pink

‘darling, cover your eyes,’ he’d say calmly and immediately i’d squeeze my eyes shut. i dont have to ask why to know why. i know that he knows what’s best for me. ‘is it over,’ i’ll whisper after a few seconds. he always answers honestly, and sometimes he reaches over to hold my hand or stroke my hair. it is times like these, as my eyes are tightly closed and we are sitting there in silence, that i am overwhelmed by the maturity he can sometimes show. i could love this guy. i do love this guy.

the other day i was in a cab coming home from pj. it was almost midnight and i just really wanted to get home as soon as possible. the cabbie wasnt much of a conversationalist, but that was fine by me cos i wasnt feeling too chatty either. we slowed to a halt at the edinburgh intersection’s red lights, and the moment we stopped, i turned to look out the window. then i saw what i saw. for a moment i was puzzled. what is that?, i wondered. then it dawned upon me, and i quickly clapped my hands over my eyes, but a little too late. i’d seen it. and the horror of the situation would keep coming back to haunt me, i know it. i know it because it happened once before.

but who’s going to warn me now? i cant take care of myself. i wont. i may seem angry, irritated, and i may push you away, but all i really need is for you to take care of me.

Comments February 3rd, 2007