Fear

March 5th, 2007

i like to think i am in control of how i feel. but truly i know that i am not. like right now, i’m feeling the one emotion i hate the most. fear. there is no word to describe how much i abhor and shun the feeling of fear. i like to think i dont feel fear. and the truth is, i dont. or not a lot anyway. but nights like tonight are the anomalies in my otherwise perfect life. right now i am very very scared. it’s 3.57am. i know that when i wake up tomorrow, i will have forgotten all of this. but by the evening, i will remember once again. and then i will want to say something. and maybe i do say it, or just a little bit of it .. but eventually the truth never comes out. because i’m scared and i dont have the courage it takes to spill it all out. then i’m told not to say anything if i’m not going to finish my sentences. reason? because it’s annoying. but do you not care how i feel? why wont you sit down with me and help me try to understand what i’m going through? dont you see that sometimes things are hard to say. and that being vulnerable is difficult when one has tried their entire life to seem anything but. the truth is, i’m vulnerable. not very vulnerable, but just vulnerable. i may look angry to you, but at night i cry myself to sleep and when i have breakfast i draw sad smileys in my ketchup. who am i to you? some girl who blogs stuff.. but in between that ’stuff’ is a ghost of a person in a few hundred drafts that never saw the light of the index page. they are stories of how i dream about cats and bottles and sweat and dark corridors. stories of forgotten kisses and desired fulfilment. fulfilment.. what a big word. on my friendster, under my Who I Want To Meet column, is the name ‘fulfilment’. fulfilment, why are you so elusive? all i want is a little bit of you. just graze me with your fingertips. flicker your split-ended hair on my cheeks. anything… and tell me why if everyone else can have you, why cant i?

Entry Filed under: Musings, Unsent Letters