Same Old Stuff
i’ve just finished reading a story about fishes, watercolour swirls and bamboo steamers. as i was reading, i played it all out in my head. i became her; i became the girl who had run away from home and straight to the cheap motel room of a man she didnt even know the name of. but instead of pushing past him like the story says, i ran right into his arms the moment he opened the door. clutched him tightly. tried to translate some of my pain onto him. god knows why i did that. but it was something i would have done.
i had a strange dream yesterday. i was lying on a bed in between two people and pretending to be asleep. the girl was on my left and she was covering my eyes - her fingers were cooling and she was careful not to press too hard - while talking urgently to the man, who was on my right. he didnt answer her though, but was staring up at the ceiling. i dont know why i have that last bit of information seeing how i was pretending to be asleep and my eyes were covered anyway, but i just knew it, and i was secretly proud of him.
i am currently in starbucks again (surprise surprise) whittling away time because i cant seem to get anything done. i suspect that something is missing from my life but i dont know what. there is no answer in my caramel macchiato. some jazz artist with a milky voice is crooning a tune overhead, but it is hardly soothing. it’s just making me angrier.
right now i am craving intimacy so much. i feel like picking up that lone scrabble set on the sugar station, putting on my best cute-face, and walking up to someone and asking them, “fancy a game of scrabble?”. surely one can find a bit of tenderness amongst wordplay and triple letter scores. more than in magazine articles and tennis coaches, at least. sigh. sigh. sigh. sigh. there is therapy in sighing out loud.
there is also therapy in hot chocolate, signing on msn, looking through old pictures, talking to my brothers. but the comfort is shortlived.
sometimes i dont know why i put myself through these things.
April 17th, 2007
