Kesimpulannya

everything is a blur. one big bad blue blur that started a long time ago and ended this evening beneath overhead announcements and with a sambal kiss. when i was in the train on the way back, i watched the palm oil trees and grass fields roll away from me, and i pretended they were leaving me too. then as the train pulled into the station and everyone stepped off the train onto the dim platform, i lingered behind so i could soak in the entire image, the entire sensation, the entire awareness of people walking away from me.

it was like a mental self-mutilation; i just wanted to inflict as much pain onto myself as i could. i simply needed to. i needed to make myself the victim here. if not to cry like crazy and wake up in the morning feeling like a brand new person capable of brand new people, then at least to pay some tribute to what was and what could have been. it’s hard to explain this need. the most succinct as i can get is this : i need to create something to cope with in order to activate a coping mechanism. like how one has to fall sick before they agree to go to the hospital. well, this is my faked flu bug to get that medical leave from work.

i’m looking forward to going home and washing my hair. i’m gonna use that new shampoo i bought the other day. my hair will smell like strawberries. or at least, it will smell like strawberries until i decide i want it to smell like cherries. and then i will go out and buy a cherry-scented bottle of shampoo.

i’m excited. i’m wistful. i’m wistfully excited. i’m growing up.

May 1st, 2007