Brown Paper Bag Blog
May 16th, 2007
behind me and beyond the glass windows are red tiles and alfresco cafes and sullen parking meters. occassionally, a double-parking car pulls out nonchalantly from its spot and drives away. but almost instantly another car will slide in smoothly to fill up that space; a snobby proud space that is not used to being lonely. observing this fluid replacement mechanism from afar, i feel a little bit jealous. sometimes i wish things were as easy as double parking.
i bought a pretty dress the other day. it’s pink and white and short and i love it. as i was trying the dress on, i thought of him, and i thought of how when we meet in 2 weeks’ time, i’ll greet him with this dress. i’ll be standing there and he’ll walk towards me, smiling and sweeping his eyes over my new dress, and he will know that i bought it just for him. just to celebrate our 3rd time back together to our city – this city of traffic and glass noodles and handholding and americanos with milk added.
many things are not to be. i refuse to be a rag doll tossed around from one ultimatum to another by means of uncertainty and opinion. i just want to sit here and sulk and be rightfully angry. the half-eaten oreo cheesecake sitting in front of me, with its aggravating bits of cookies and chocolate syrup drizzled in an irritating crisscross all over it, is irking the hell out of me. such saccharide smugness. i have a sudden urge to eat it all so that i dont have to look at it anymore.
i chose to be alone today, but right now i’m beginning to realize i may have made the wrong choice. there is no one but myself to listen to these unfair thoughts in my head, and the more undiluted they are by a lack of audience, the more convinced i am that this unfairness is justified. but it is a lacey kind of justification, one that i wouldnt dare say out loud in public.
remember when we took pictures at the lobby of the Davis? remember our little cold war at the noodle place you blogged about? how about that first morning when we woke up? that cab ride to the concert where i repeatedly said you were mean? then there was cheap coke and baskin robbins and sausages that you fed me. trouble finding each other at chatuchak. that coffee place next to the supermarket. that chocolate bread thing you bought that we kept snacking on. that night we fought and made up.
the music here is depressing. it’s one of those stare-at-ceiling soundtracks, songs for a sad stranger on a train. there will be no 3rd time.
8.02pm, Marmalade
Entry Filed under: Martianisms
27 Comments Add your own
1. k0k | May 16th, 2007 at 2:35 am
I feel as if I’m out of my body. When would dreams become less real than reality?
It’s never quite as easy as we thought it would be.
2. VictorTan | May 16th, 2007 at 6:24 am
i can visualize ur words…u’re an amazin’ writer. But wat third time?
3. MichelleSY | May 16th, 2007 at 11:02 am
I read on with bated breath, all the while thinking:
Is it…?
Could they…..?
Then I read your final sentence.
No, there won’t be a third time, but you’ll always have the memory of the first and the second.
I know you’re hurting sweetie, and there’s nothing I can offer but a *HUG* from afar.
ps: This is a repost, cos I think my previous comment got gobbled up into etherspace.
4. Chareli | May 16th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
wow.
i just found your blog from kennysia’s and i gotta say this again : wow.
i love the way you write and hey congrats for conquering Mt. Kinabalu!
Btw, the pictures you take are really good .. even if they were camwhoring. Hahaha! What camera are you using?
Cheers mate. You sound melancholy in this post.
5. Shally | May 16th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
you sound so sad. but i can see that you are a happy-go-lucky person. cheers…
6. clas | May 16th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
u were out with my boyfriend in bangkok. and lied to me?
7. VictorTan | May 16th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I just browse through some of your other post….such as ‘kesimpulannya’… i really love how u write. (not in a stalkin kinda way). Have you ever considered writing a novel? I actually started a storyblog but hav no time to finish or continue…it is at vtrippin.blogspot.com. If you want you can co write it for me =P…seems like ur emotions and life might fit the story.
8. ria | May 16th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
hey.. *hugs*
9. pinkpau | May 16th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
k0k : my dreams arent realistic all the time, thank goodness for that
victortan : third time in martian’s and my city :)
michellesy : no third time indeed. there is a slight regret. *hugs bak
chareli : thank u :) im using the canon ixus 800 IS
shally : i am both :)
clas : i’m also really ur birth mother
victortan : no i havent considered a novel, neither am i capable of writing a storyblog! all the best to u tho
ria : thanks babe *hugs*
10. Artificially Tim Tam | May 16th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Ok… i’m posting this from work. if i get fired it’s your fault :P
The problem with life is that it moves too fast and then again too slow at all the wrong moments.
11. Gin | May 16th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
*o* i was in starbucks downstairs *o*
anyway huggles
12. wy | May 16th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
heyy, how did you take that last picture?
13. kennysia | May 16th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
wy, I think she took it with a camera.
14. ashleighhhh | May 16th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
i love you su ann. your words are like aphrodite inducing intellectual orgasm in my brain. the spasms are intensely gratifying.
15. ashleighhhh | May 16th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
i’m such a wannabe lol
16. jimmy | May 16th, 2007 at 11:45 pm
wy, in case u didn’t notice its not a window but a reflection of the mirrors.
guess paus and martian dont go together as well as i had thought.
hmm..
17. alvin | May 17th, 2007 at 1:02 am
hugs, girl. you know you made the right decision.
that said, you should have given me the ticket to bangkok ^_^
18. Voonkiat | May 17th, 2007 at 2:51 am
Hi Su Ann! hehe cheer up! Haven’t been here in ages :(
the last pic is actually a mirror reflection isn’t it? haha. Anyways, hope you’re not depressed/sad/upset anymore. hugs!
19. jane | May 17th, 2007 at 3:24 am
i should have really set up the support group shouldnt i? i mean we.. remember to eat even when u dont feel like! random but yea.. =) take care..
20. pinkpau | May 17th, 2007 at 3:40 am
artificially : i so know what u mean. all the wrongest moments.
gin : upstairs u mean? or at bangsar village 1?
wy : with a camera :D hahaha. no lah. it’s a mirror.
ashleigh : oooh i love it when ppl call me aphrodite. in bed.
jimmy : me too apparently
alvin : i dunno if u can change traveller’s name.. but ur welcome to have it if u wanna pay the rm70 flight change fee!
voon : yes a mirror :) and im okay.
21. Gin | May 18th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
hahaha..bangsar village 1 ;p sorru./. blur
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