I Feel Like Painting On A Wall

September 5th, 2007

there is a little bit of a reprieve where i am, and it’s due to a disaster called ‘table corruption’. despite being very thankful for the breather, it still feels kinda weird to know that i’m sitting here crosslegged and massaging my head, when the tech guys on the other side are wheeling around in flurries of panic trying to fix the problem. and i know Boss is pacing the floor of his apartment trying not to kill himself.

these days all i am is tired. too tired to look for my left sock, too tired to reply texts, too tired to charge my mobile phone. yeah dont think i dont realize i have my SAT 2 coming up in less than a month and i havent studied. this is ridiculous. my atrocious SAT 1 results and the fact that i blew off 2 essay competitions last month is still fresh in my mind. i need to stop digging myself deeper into this hole of disappointment and failure. this year has really really sucked for me.

but i bought pisang goreng at the stall next to the LRT station yesterday, and that made me happy for a while.

which reminds me of something a drunk stranger said to me one time some years back. he told me he thought i was a sad person. equally drunk, i trilled back that he must be craaaaaayzy, because i’m the happiest person anyone could ever meet. he replied, ‘ah you talk happy, you laugh happy, you wear happy clothes and you even walk happy.. but here-’ and at this point he poked a finger at my heart, ‘here, you are all saaaaadness, girl.’

i think i rolled my eyes and ignored him after that. at the time, i had thought it was such bollocks, someone telling me i was a sad person inside. i mean, the gall of it all; he didnt even know me! but now that i’ve learnt to stop defining myself via self-portraits that i myself paint, be it the Facebook profiles or those long introspective nights, i’ve come to realize that what that stranger from Atmosphere had said all those years back was and is still true. deep down inside i throb with sadness. sadness for something i long for, but will never get. no i dont actually know what that something is, though i wish i did so i could go out and look for it.

but i do know that i always have these little things around me that keep me happy and distract me from sadness. things that i sometimes take for granted, things that give me hope. and because i’m a little bit sad today and need some of this hope, i’m going to list some of these things down.

pisang goreng

fresh laundry

writing with newly-sharpened pencils

truth or dare

red shoes

flea markets

scrapbooking

reading a good book on a long flight

Flying Pan (a breakfast cafe in Hong Kong)

that glorious feeling of a new toothbrush in your mouth

people who smile at flyer distributors while saying no thanks

cute old ladies

my father calling me to ask me how to spell certain words. today’s was ‘lieutenant’

grocery shopping

crossing out things on my To Do list

talking about sex with Tze wtf

flowers

sundresses

when Martian jumps out at me from behind a door to scare me

when he helps me do up the zippers on the back of my dresses

how he tries to upskirt me all the time

the moments right before we fall asleep

———————–

yknow, i’ve realized what it is exactly that i need. i need a good trip somewhere!!! somewhere new. it’s been too long. hmm…

EDIT. to add to that list of things that make me happy when i’m having a bad day : surprise snail mail from the boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i checked my mailbox and there was this card for me. on the envelope and underneath my street address it was written ‘(dekat nasi lemak panas)’. hahahaha i burst out laughing. and murmured, babyyyyyy, even though he wasnt there to hear it. i wish he was.

on the front of the card is the most adorable picture ever, along with just the right words to oblivate my bad mood today. on the inside is a lot of Martianny goodness, but that shan’t be shared :P

i’m so happy now i’m bubbling over :) :) :)

Entry Filed under: Daily Grind, Lists

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