I Feel Like Painting On A Wall
September 5th, 2007
there is a little bit of a reprieve where i am, and it’s due to a disaster called ‘table corruption’. despite being very thankful for the breather, it still feels kinda weird to know that i’m sitting here crosslegged and massaging my head, when the tech guys on the other side are wheeling around in flurries of panic trying to fix the problem. and i know Boss is pacing the floor of his apartment trying not to kill himself.
these days all i am is tired. too tired to look for my left sock, too tired to reply texts, too tired to charge my mobile phone. yeah dont think i dont realize i have my SAT 2 coming up in less than a month and i havent studied. this is ridiculous. my atrocious SAT 1 results and the fact that i blew off 2 essay competitions last month is still fresh in my mind. i need to stop digging myself deeper into this hole of disappointment and failure. this year has really really sucked for me.
but i bought pisang goreng at the stall next to the LRT station yesterday, and that made me happy for a while.
which reminds me of something a drunk stranger said to me one time some years back. he told me he thought i was a sad person. equally drunk, i trilled back that he must be craaaaaayzy, because i’m the happiest person anyone could ever meet. he replied, ‘ah you talk happy, you laugh happy, you wear happy clothes and you even walk happy.. but here-’ and at this point he poked a finger at my heart, ‘here, you are all saaaaadness, girl.’
i think i rolled my eyes and ignored him after that. at the time, i had thought it was such bollocks, someone telling me i was a sad person inside. i mean, the gall of it all; he didnt even know me! but now that i’ve learnt to stop defining myself via self-portraits that i myself paint, be it the Facebook profiles or those long introspective nights, i’ve come to realize that what that stranger from Atmosphere had said all those years back was and is still true. deep down inside i throb with sadness. sadness for something i long for, but will never get. no i dont actually know what that something is, though i wish i did so i could go out and look for it.
but i do know that i always have these little things around me that keep me happy and distract me from sadness. things that i sometimes take for granted, things that give me hope. and because i’m a little bit sad today and need some of this hope, i’m going to list some of these things down.
pisang goreng
fresh laundry
writing with newly-sharpened pencils
truth or dare
red shoes
flea markets
scrapbooking
reading a good book on a long flight
Flying Pan (a breakfast cafe in Hong Kong)
that glorious feeling of a new toothbrush in your mouth
people who smile at flyer distributors while saying no thanks
cute old ladies
my father calling me to ask me how to spell certain words. today’s was ‘lieutenant’
grocery shopping
crossing out things on my To Do list
talking about sex with Tze wtf
flowers
sundresses
when Martian jumps out at me from behind a door to scare me
when he helps me do up the zippers on the back of my dresses
how he tries to upskirt me all the time
the moments right before we fall asleep
———————–
yknow, i’ve realized what it is exactly that i need. i need a good trip somewhere!!! somewhere new. it’s been too long. hmm…
EDIT. to add to that list of things that make me happy when i’m having a bad day : surprise snail mail from the boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i checked my mailbox and there was this card for me. on the envelope and underneath my street address it was written ‘(dekat nasi lemak panas)’. hahahaha i burst out laughing. and murmured, babyyyyyy, even though he wasnt there to hear it. i wish he was.
on the front of the card is the most adorable picture ever, along with just the right words to oblivate my bad mood today. on the inside is a lot of Martianny goodness, but that shan’t be shared :P
i’m so happy now i’m bubbling over :) :) :)
Entry Filed under: General
47 Comments Add your own
1. Michelle | September 5th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
I do it feel sometimes. And it feels heavy from the inside. It feels heavy to know that all this happiness is a mask for the masquerade you’re attending to.
But, how the stranger might be true, the truth still lies within you.
Being happy or sad does not matter much.
What matters is whether you make these sad or happy events a pivot to a better ahead. =)
2. ria | September 5th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
for some reason, i’ve been wanting to get red shoes lately. i haven’t found the “right one” though. :) i do hope you find that something you’re looking for Su Ann. you’re one of my favorite people and would love to see you really, truly happy. :)
take care dear! and if you ever run out of places to visit, there’s always my poor old country. hehe.
3. Miss Tacky | September 5th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
hi su ann! you’re someone with tremendous potential to succeed in life and obviously you haven’t yet fulfilled your potential cause of your age, the fact that you’re still in school, experience and etc. that’s probably why you’re feeling an inherent sadness. all of these circumstances are evolving day by day and one day (soon!) they will converge at a precise point where you will feel completely happy and at ease with yourself. from that point onwards, it will be a breeze, trust me. cheers
4. ionStorm | September 5th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
how about God? ;)
5. sheon | September 5th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
a trip to somewhere new?…well…….dont we all need that?….sigh
6. susannah | September 5th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
what does upskirt mean??
yea.. i know what you mean by your insides throbbing with sadness.. =( i feel that way too and always having to mask sadness with a mask of happiness and cheer.. it’s only like that this year? maybe its hormones or just a phase in life?? haha. hope we’ll both be really truly happy soon!
7. Yappy | September 5th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Hmmm…. somewhere new… Try Bali? Go for their SPA everyday, shopping, try out the seafood… or some other islands like Maldives. Maybe your feelings of sadness is caused by stress from SAT 2 and from other sources. It’s good that you let it out, you can also talk about it to Martian and your friends. Sometimes I feel sad too and talking about it to my friends works for me. The solutions they gave sometimes help but the most important thing is to let it out.
For the mean time, maybe you can put everything you listed above in a To Do list and try to cross it out one by one? :)
Take care Su Ann and go get your flight ticket to somewhere now! :)
8. blue | September 5th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
hi pinky, I have been reading your blog recently, and your world inspires me even though I am not part of it. I envy you. Today, it just opened a window on how I may live my life to the fullest.. to taste, see, feel and share life. I think in some ways you are a role model to your friends who log in, to read your latest posting so they may be in your shoes for awhile, savouring life at its best. And the satisfying things are not thing, but emotions, love, happiness, joy which you share freely and openly. I think you are a great writer - you write without trying, and you put your heart into it. If I become a filmmaker one day, I ask your permission to make a movie about your life. It will be called Pinky - A Storybook Life. :)
I think you
9. Jun | September 5th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
looks like u’re not too tired to blog eh? ;> funny bout the red shoes, cos a fren of mine wears hers every time she feels blue… do u?
10. songjun | September 5th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
upskirting you isn’t very hard to do u know :P HAHAHA
11. songjun | September 5th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
come visit me in uk la then u can meet pretty eyes ;) HAHA
12. Liz | September 5th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
hey pinkpau,
i’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now, tho I hardly comment. Just wanted to say that your blog is really really inspiring. To many of your readers, you seem to be living a ‘fairytale’ life, but your writing is also really honest - you manage to describe your emotions really really well and are not afraid to show that you’re just like any other normal girl out there… the occasional insecurities, sadness & confusion. :D
Yet despite all of that, you still seem really optimistic and brave about everything.
13. blue | September 5th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
When you said you feel like a painting on the wall, you could also be the centre of attraction - big eyes, cute smile, long legs, fun-loving, witty, daring, eloquent, knowledgable, etc … the whole package, because not all paintings make it to the wall.
14. Karyn | September 5th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
How sweet of him. You two are like a couple meant to be together. Lol.
15. fern | September 5th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
the card was just too sweet :D do make it a point to share your oreos with him today
16. Michael | September 5th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
when u gt martian, ur happy deep inside i think. love always overcome sorrow, does it?
17. Pet | September 5th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
you hit the spot with that one =)
18. wan siong | September 5th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Hey, you guys are like overly praising her relationship with martian..
Kinda make me think that the defination for a perfect love would be best described with pinkpau and martian..
-_-”
No offence ya su ann..
19. sieutheng | September 5th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
wei let’s go for a trip together…! i need one badly too =(
20. jess | September 5th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
tot u hv a trip recently… pls bring me hahahhaa
21. reallybites | September 5th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
i like drunk ppl.
come visit me lah =)
22. ashleighhhh | September 6th, 2007 at 12:23 am
haha i know that feeling.
fresh laundry. never tried that one before..
my guitar and a foosball table works best to keep my mind off things. teehee.
23. lishun | September 6th, 2007 at 12:48 am
you’ve already begun your search for that something and it’s probably nearer than you think. just keep your eyes and ears and heart open!
btw that card is so schweet…i’m gonna go into a hyperglycaemic coma. wait. is that even possible? *googles* oh yeah it is. call myself a medical student. haha.
24. Artificially Timtam | September 6th, 2007 at 2:26 am
i rikes them red shoes and sundresses and RED SHOES.
25. tze | September 6th, 2007 at 2:32 am
er when she says ‘talking about sex with tze’ she doesnt mean this tze ok this tze is like the holiest person ever wtf
(eh we havent finished talking yet la)
26. paupau | September 6th, 2007 at 5:07 am
your drunk stranger reminds me of a guy in the psychiatric ward of a hospital that told me that i belonged there as much as him … haha.
it’s funny how silly little things like cards can change the mood of a day
27. Kevin | September 6th, 2007 at 7:12 am
Wehh, when you gonna help me handle my facebook hahah
28. prawn | September 6th, 2007 at 8:01 am
hehehe.. i have the exact same card =D
When ppl are drunk, they usually say the truth & do things that really means something. Maybe not all the time though =P
29. Shingo T | September 6th, 2007 at 8:56 am
Better don’t let my wife read this entry.
She will expect alot more from an insensitive guy like me.
30. MichelleSY | September 6th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
LOL - how cute is your dad!
Between being his personal spell-checker and trying to hide all your gorgeous shoes from your mom, you must be a busy busy girl =)
And I’m ROTFL at “talking about sex with Tze wtf”
It’s OK hon, we all have those days.
I think that some of us (myself included) lmust have been born with a hyper-attenuated sad gene that kicks in at the drop of a hat. Or the drop of a glass. Or the drop of a peanut-butter sandwich, peanut-butter side down, on the floor.
You get what I mean.
But hugs (even e-hugs) can make things a teensy-weensy bit better (so can a Martian and moving into the ultimate Martian pad!).
So here’s one: *hug*
31. bulat | September 6th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
guess you are not alone *laughs*
32. pinkpau | September 6th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
michelle : that’s really easier said than done
ria : it is SO hard to find the right pair of red shoes! and haha what a coincidence; i was just thinking of heading to cebu :P
miss tacky : the young age doesnt hold me back at all :) it’s not a factor. but i will look forward to this happy precise point you speak of! i hope it comes soon. sigh.
ionstorm : God’s not a little thing.. :)
sheon : yes we all do!
susannah : upskirt means peeking up a girl’s skirt, be it from under a table or as she walks up stairs. hehe yes let’s hope that happiness gets less elusive in time to come
yappy : no i went to bali early this year. i really wanna go somewhere i’ve never been! it would be a great combo of relaxation and excitement. yknow, you give really good advice :) sometimes i forget that i have friends and a great boyf to talk to, and i always end up bottling things inside. which sometimes is the cause of all this sadness. that to do list thing is an excellent idea :D :D
blue : thank you so much for your high praise :) sometimes it’s the little things that really define how much the big things mean to us.
jun : i could never be too tired to blog.. haha! and ditto about the red shoes
songjun : what are you trying to imply!!! haha ya UK for spring/summer 2008!!!!
liz : people think i live a fairytale life? haha i wish that were true.. :) and thank you for noticing. i try my best to keep my blog as honest as it was the first day i started it :)
blue : no no no i said i feel like painting on a wall :P as in getting a brush and painting on it!
karyn : hahaha thank you thank you i think so too
fern : it’s so funny that you say that, cos he just told me today that he ate 2 oreos in thinking about me. and he never eats cookies, or oreos for that matter! :D
michael : sometimes love is what causes the pain
pet : who? me? michael?
wan siong : why cant perfect love be defined by us! huh huh why not!
sieutheng : really??? okokokokok. when are your hols! or shall we do a weekend thing to perhentian or something
jess : haha okays but only if you bring me with you on your future trips
reallybites : ya ya then i can eat tau sar pneah!!!!
ashleighhh : guitar and foosball! haha that is so like a guy
lishun : i try, i really do :) hyperglaycemic.. that means too much sugar, right? people can go into a coma from that???
artificially : only if they’re high heels right :P
tze : good good continue continue :P then i can be happy summore
paupau : someone from a psych ward said that to you??? HAHAHAHHHAHA POOR YOU
kevin : haha soon soon soon !!!!! how could i pass up something so exciting
prawn : yea this drunk guy was pretty sharp in all his inebriatedness..
shingo t : haha be forewarned; my boyfriend is pretty romantic in his surprises :P and i have a high tendency of blogging these things!
michellesy : thank you babe :) hugs are so therapeutic. *hugs bak
bulat : i dont understand!
33. ionStorm | September 6th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
oh…nono…I was referring to this…
“deep down inside i throb with sadness. sadness for something i long for, but will never get. no i dont actually know what that something is, though i wish i did so i could go out and look for it.”
but anyways… :)
34. Michael | September 6th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
agree. pain caused by love can only be cured by time or love itself, i think.
35. foreverjas | September 6th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
nicely written. luv it more than i luv mcd!
36. lishun | September 6th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
yeah, they can. but it’s nothing a shot of insulin can’t take care of…haha. no la not so simple.
anyhoo hope you didn’t fall asleep in the middle of all that boring medic showoff fact dishing out. err. lol.
37. JustAnotherTragedy | September 6th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
mmmm i miss having pisang gorenggggg!
i think im gonna go grab myself some tomorrow!
38. blue | September 7th, 2007 at 12:47 am
PinkPau you are a star. A posting about a fraction in the day of your life, and a mere minute into your mind and you are able to draw tens of comments. Friends anxiously login every few hours to read your latest posting and feedback. And you answer every single comment/feedback with a smile, which brings relief to their pain. Do you ever wonder how you’ve got such commanding power like that? I think I know….
39. Artificially Timtam | September 7th, 2007 at 12:51 am
yup. only if they’re REAL high heels :)
so ur gonna deface martian’s wall? can i paint too? :P
40. blue | September 7th, 2007 at 1:20 am
….people are in love with love.
41. ben | September 7th, 2007 at 1:35 am
have u too had sex yet? .. mayb thats wat u need su ann. =p
42. Michelle | September 7th, 2007 at 6:01 am
Well, nothing is impossible really. =) Anyway, I hope you feel much better after receiving the card.
43. WristBandMan | September 7th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
the guy who says you are unhappy…. i think he just wants to poke your breasts…
44. Johanny | September 7th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
So cute of Martian to send you the card… even though he is a lot closer now :P I can’t believe he still tries to upskirt you… ;) When are you coming to see me… that should be added to your list… hahahaha :P
45. tze | September 7th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
ionstorm: get over it la wtf not everything has to revolve around religion ok
46. Charlie | September 8th, 2007 at 12:15 am
People who are polite to flyer-distributors are such a rarity la. : ( Even my parents, who are supposedly shining paragons of social propriety, don’t even acknowledge their existence. I like it too when people are nice to them. After all they’re only trying to do a good, honest job…
I really don’t get how grocery shopping can make anyone happy though! : P
to tze: Thank you for taking the words right out of my mouth. ; )
47. hw | September 8th, 2007 at 1:29 am
pinkpau .. love the way you can tell a story and put down your emotions and thoughts into words so well - a number of which we all can relate to somewhat i guess. I’ve been feeling really tired and lost within the insanity of reality and life recently as well. I’m in dire need of a vacation, which I am getting (though it’s not really a vacation since I’m going over to the United States on a business tripbut nevertheless a break from the day-to-day monotony of being in KL and working from home).
Love reading your blog btw. If you feel like painting on a wall, you’ve definitely accomplished it, albeit on a blog-wall.
Speaking of goreng pisang, I love the one in Brickfields across the road from YMCA. They have the best goreng pisang (crispy, juicy and sweet) as well as nice fried ‘nian gao’ and delectable curry puffs. Think I’ll go get some tomorrow.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed