What Was Running Through Your Mind As You Flew?

someone from my apartment building committed suicide the other day.

my brothers and i had just returned home from a late dinner, and we were sharing jokes as we walked towards the elevator, completely absorbed in our maniacal bubble of hyena laughs, arms aflailing in the execution of our comedy. there was an ambulance parked outside, and although that is not a common sight, we didnt think much of it. ‘why got ambulance wan?’ was the only charity thrown its way before we went back to telling our stupid jokes and doubling over in laughter.

when we got back home, my brother got a message from one of his friends saying that someone from our building had committed suicide. so indifferent and matter-of-factly - that was how we got the news. there was even an ‘LOL’ tagged to the end of the sentence.

realizing the reason for the ambulance, we rushed to our balcony to look, and indeed there was a scene at the 3rd floor parking lot. there was a huge crowd of people, police cars were there, the area was cordoned off. and then there was the body, the star of the show, tactfully covered in a huge black sheet of something.

i couldnt stop saying oh my god. it was all i could say, over and over again like some dumb puppet. reading about suicides in the newspaper is one thing, but looking right at the scene - and this scene being where you live - is something else altogether. my brothers were really excited for some perverse reason, and wanted to go down to the parking lot to glean more information, but i refused to go. i just wasnt that brave. even looking down at the scene from 13 floors up gave me the chills and a heavy head. i knew that if i smelt the blood i would totally freak out.

eventually my brothers went downstairs together, leaving me to linger at our balcony alone. despite the overwhelming disturbing effect of the scene, i couldnt tear my eyes away. i swept through the whole scene from my vantage point, waiting for something to happen, some activity besides the cops who were pacing back and forth inside the cordoned area, just inches away from the body. i realized i wanted to see the body. i wanted to know the race, the age, the gender, anything at all about the deceased. ‘the deceased’, what a phrase. one hour ago, this person was a living breathing organism who could think and feel, but now she or he is simply ‘the deceased’. it’s like turning a page of a book or something.

i knew from the way the cops approached the concealed body, that this was the moment they would remove the black sheet shielding it from all the surrounding curiosity and concern. yet i didnt look away. i clapped my hands to my eyes but left a gap between my fingers to see through - exactly what i do during high-tension moments in horror movies - as if the slightly narrowed view would dilute the intensity of what i was to observe immediately.

it was horrible, it really was. plump chinese middle-aged woman, hands next to her head and her legs twisted at grotesque angles you would not believe. up there on the balcony, i recoiled and moved back as the body was cruelly exposed, but everyone at the car park leaned forward to get a better look. my brothers too. suddenly people started walking past the barriers of the cordoned area to actually look right into the deceased’s face. her FACE! i was so shocked that they could do something like that, but my brother’s later told me everyone there was asked by the cops to identify the woman.

but no one knew who she was. no one had even see her around or said hi to her in passing. isnt that sad? not a single person could say, oh she’s my friend! oh she’s my neighbour! oh i know her!

i looked around at the surrounding apartment blocks. apparently news had spread fast because it seemed every family in my building was leaning out their balconies and watching the suicide scene intently. i saw kids clinging to the balcony graille, young men illuminated by the flare of their cigarettes, old people sitting on little stools and watching, aunties chattering loudly to each other transbalcony. it was like New Year’s Eve and everyone had come out to watch the fireworks or something. everyone was just glued to the morbidity and the darkness of the situation, halting their nightly activities for box seats to this macabre show. we were all a thousand blinking eyes in the night.

suicide. this lady jumped. how does one decide that this is it? does one toy with the idea for months, or does one just look out the window and think, it’s so fucking easy to die? it’s so fucking easy i could do it. and is that when one does it? do you sit at the ledge contemplating your decision or do you just let go. do you say goodbye, do you leave a note? what is the protocol here? do you stop buying groceries when you realize you wont need them anymore?

and how do the suicidal choose what to wear in their death? she had on a loose white tshirt and the simplest pair of shorts. on the morning of one’s suicide, what does one think when they pick their day’s clothes out of the wardrobe? do they realize that this is what everyone will see them in as they lay lifeless on the ground, that this will be the costume of their final scene on this earth? that their last minutes will be wrapped around a white tshirt and a ratty pair of shorts. or do they just not care? do people still care when they’ve given up hope?

in hindsight, it was all so misplaced. i mean, there was an ambulance; and then there was me and my brothers and our big laughing mouths. i want to go back to that moment when we walked past the ambulance and i want to say to us, shut the fuck up, you disrespectful kids. someone just died and here you are laughing about something as trivial as angkasawan and shampoo.

i emailed Martian after that and told him how glad i was to have him, how lucky we were to have so much love for each other. i am so glad that as humans, we are all capable of love, and that we are all allowed to be part of something so vast and so great. if there is anything that can deter anyone from suicide, it is love.

woman in white, rest in peace. i hope wherever you are now, you have closure and that you are happy. i wish we could have done something for you.

36 comments September 8th, 2007