What Was Running Through Your Mind As You Flew?
September 8th, 2007
someone from my apartment building committed suicide the other day.
my brothers and i had just returned home from a late dinner, and we were sharing jokes as we walked towards the elevator, completely absorbed in our maniacal bubble of hyena laughs, arms aflailing in the execution of our comedy. there was an ambulance parked outside, and although that is not a common sight, we didnt think much of it. ‘why got ambulance wan?’ was the only charity thrown its way before we went back to telling our stupid jokes and doubling over in laughter.
when we got back home, my brother got a message from one of his friends saying that someone from our building had committed suicide. so indifferent and matter-of-factly - that was how we got the news. there was even an ‘LOL’ tagged to the end of the sentence.
realizing the reason for the ambulance, we rushed to our balcony to look, and indeed there was a scene at the 3rd floor parking lot. there was a huge crowd of people, police cars were there, the area was cordoned off. and then there was the body, the star of the show, tactfully covered in a huge black sheet of something.
i couldnt stop saying oh my god. it was all i could say, over and over again like some dumb puppet. reading about suicides in the newspaper is one thing, but looking right at the scene - and this scene being where you live - is something else altogether. my brothers were really excited for some perverse reason, and wanted to go down to the parking lot to glean more information, but i refused to go. i just wasnt that brave. even looking down at the scene from 13 floors up gave me the chills and a heavy head. i knew that if i smelt the blood i would totally freak out.
eventually my brothers went downstairs together, leaving me to linger at our balcony alone. despite the overwhelming disturbing effect of the scene, i couldnt tear my eyes away. i swept through the whole scene from my vantage point, waiting for something to happen, some activity besides the cops who were pacing back and forth inside the cordoned area, just inches away from the body. i realized i wanted to see the body. i wanted to know the race, the age, the gender, anything at all about the deceased. ‘the deceased’, what a phrase. one hour ago, this person was a living breathing organism who could think and feel, but now she or he is simply ‘the deceased’. it’s like turning a page of a book or something.
i knew from the way the cops approached the concealed body, that this was the moment they would remove the black sheet shielding it from all the surrounding curiosity and concern. yet i didnt look away. i clapped my hands to my eyes but left a gap between my fingers to see through - exactly what i do during high-tension moments in horror movies - as if the slightly narrowed view would dilute the intensity of what i was to observe immediately.
it was horrible, it really was. plump chinese middle-aged woman, hands next to her head and her legs twisted at grotesque angles you would not believe. up there on the balcony, i recoiled and moved back as the body was cruelly exposed, but everyone at the car park leaned forward to get a better look. my brothers too. suddenly people started walking past the barriers of the cordoned area to actually look right into the deceased’s face. her FACE! i was so shocked that they could do something like that, but my brother’s later told me everyone there was asked by the cops to identify the woman.
but no one knew who she was. no one had even see her around or said hi to her in passing. isnt that sad? not a single person could say, oh she’s my friend! oh she’s my neighbour! oh i know her!
i looked around at the surrounding apartment blocks. apparently news had spread fast because it seemed every family in my building was leaning out their balconies and watching the suicide scene intently. i saw kids clinging to the balcony graille, young men illuminated by the flare of their cigarettes, old people sitting on little stools and watching, aunties chattering loudly to each other transbalcony. it was like New Year’s Eve and everyone had come out to watch the fireworks or something. everyone was just glued to the morbidity and the darkness of the situation, halting their nightly activities for box seats to this macabre show. we were all a thousand blinking eyes in the night.
suicide. this lady jumped. how does one decide that this is it? does one toy with the idea for months, or does one just look out the window and think, it’s so fucking easy to die? it’s so fucking easy i could do it. and is that when one does it? do you sit at the ledge contemplating your decision or do you just let go. do you say goodbye, do you leave a note? what is the protocol here? do you stop buying groceries when you realize you wont need them anymore?
and how do the suicidal choose what to wear in their death? she had on a loose white tshirt and the simplest pair of shorts. on the morning of one’s suicide, what does one think when they pick their day’s clothes out of the wardrobe? do they realize that this is what everyone will see them in as they lay lifeless on the ground, that this will be the costume of their final scene on this earth? that their last minutes will be wrapped around a white tshirt and a ratty pair of shorts. or do they just not care? do people still care when they’ve given up hope?
in hindsight, it was all so misplaced. i mean, there was an ambulance; and then there was me and my brothers and our big laughing mouths. i want to go back to that moment when we walked past the ambulance and i want to say to us, shut the fuck up, you disrespectful kids. someone just died and here you are laughing about something as trivial as angkasawan and shampoo.
i emailed Martian after that and told him how glad i was to have him, how lucky we were to have so much love for each other. i am so glad that as humans, we are all capable of love, and that we are all allowed to be part of something so vast and so great. if there is anything that can deter anyone from suicide, it is love.
woman in white, rest in peace. i hope wherever you are now, you have closure and that you are happy. i wish we could have done something for you.
Entry Filed under: General
36 Comments Add your own
1. Michelle | September 8th, 2007 at 6:17 am
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.
Well, I hadn’t exactly witness something like this before but once my POL teacher told me about something similar except for the person who died was not commiting suicide. He was being flung down by a couple of illegal immigrants. It’s even horrifying because he witnessed the person falling down. Free falling.
Anyway, you should now read Emily Dickinson’s There’s been a Death in the Opposite House.
God bless the deceased. Amen.
2. Nicole | September 8th, 2007 at 6:46 am
and i thought i was the only one awake at this hour… amazing.
3. Karyn | September 8th, 2007 at 6:53 am
Gross … O_o but I don’t think they care or want to care about anything anymore, those ppl who commit suicide. They’re just looking for an easy way out of their problems, or they’re simply way too depressed.
I hope she’s happy too, but do you think people who end their life in such a way find happiness in afterlife?
4. blue | September 8th, 2007 at 6:55 am
death cannott be analyzed with words. Of all your description above the phrase that struck a chord was: It was horrible. From the looker and the die-er, they are a million miles apart, eventhough connected by sight. Nobody thinks about how to look before the deed. THE ANATOMY OF A SUICIDE - suicide is an uncontrollable urge, when you have gotten past anger, when you hate yourself, and when you have severely disappointed yourself. At this point, your personality is split into two. Called it person A and B. One standing on the ledge, and another watching on. A is angry, and wants to take life into its own hands. B wants to save the day. It is a struggle between two identities within you that is when B have to communicate gently with A….to short-circuit the fear… and it starts by being truthful, admit your fear, admit your disappointments, admit your anger, admit your urge, until person A and B are aligned again. This is truly not a laughing matter…. treat your life with respect.
5. Jon | September 8th, 2007 at 8:00 am
I did a report on suicide in high school. One of the most obvious tell-tale signs is severe depression and a sudden shift into being at peace and happy a few days prior to committing suicide without any obvious reason. This is the point where the decision has been made and is irreversible.
Of course, there are times when you get people just wanting attention, so they stage false suicide attempts, but even these can go the wrong way and they might end up dead.
I suppose at the end of the day, through various circumstances and consequences in life, not everyone has the courage to endure living… death is the easy way out.
6. sweat | September 8th, 2007 at 10:04 am
T________________T
i love you babe, just saying this in case i die of sudden brain damage due to the tremendous amount of workload
so sad i read the whole post huhuhu
7. vvens | September 8th, 2007 at 10:27 am
omg. i would not even dare to go down like the others to see the body although i really wanna know what happened.
is a 100% suicide? could it be some accidents? murder? oops! watching too much of dramas.
8. whisperingshout | September 8th, 2007 at 11:04 am
If one have the courage to die, why not the courage to live?
9. nawooz | September 8th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
whisperingshout, it’s easier saying this when you aren’t in that situation. despair with no one in sight to lend a hand or listening ear, can lead to unreasonable thoughts.
you know why they coined the term “love is blind”? it’s coz you aren’t thinking with your head anymore. it’s with your heart and emotions. god knows what that kinda thinking can and will do to you.
it’s sad that she chose the easy way out, but for some people, a dead-end is all they see. may her soul rest in peace.
10. sheon | September 8th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
i remember, when i was still a kid back in alor star. there was this suicide incident just a few houses away from mine. apparently a poor indian lady hanged herself from the stairs. like any other kids, my curiosity was killing me! i HAD to see a real BODY! and you know what, even the cop standing at the gates told me..”you mau tengok, cepat tengok, nanti sudah mau bungkus”…. i took a brave step forward into the compound…..then, i hesitated…..”do i want the image of a body hanging by the neck to haunt me for god knows how many years?” i wondered.. ………then my conscience hit me, the last thing i could possibly do to show respect for the deceased is to not stare at her lifeless grotesque face like some freak show. i withheld my steps….then i slowly walked back to my house leaving the commotion behind. till this day……..i am grateful that i do not have that grossly image etched in my mind forever……
11. Kevin Chan | September 8th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
I told you before didnt I? I had a friend of mine that killed himself. Witnessing death literally happening before you - no being willing given up in a single jump - really makes you think about what really matters to you. Don’t let it get to you, but learn something from this. Keep on living girl, life’s worth it.
12. Aimee | September 8th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
i like this entry..
last week i read A long way down by nick hornby.
and i think you’re right. people just weigh the pros and cons of living. and if death seems to be a better prospect, then some people, like lady in white, will have no qualms about making decisions like that.
like what dumbledore said, sometimes we have to choose between what’s right and what’s easy. maybe to her, jumping off the balcony was both.
13. paupau | September 8th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
death is always difficult to think about when it’s that close, physically or emotionally. you see death all the time in the newspapers and on tv that you begin to get a little bit desensitized to it, at least i know that’s the case with me. it’s weird how even seeing a dead stranger will put things into perspective sometimes
14. Jun | September 8th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
maybe it’s homicide?
sometimes, the power of love isn’t strong enuf to deter one from wanting to go to the nether world. one of our much-respected professors committed suicide the same way as this lady did earlier this yr. he was well-loved by his family (which i suppose is the strongest form of love if love is to stop ppl frm attempting suicide), yet he still chose to go down (pun not intended ;p) tht path. i do think tht there’s a complex web of reasons as to why one commits suicide, and us as outsiders, sad but true, all we can do is sigh.
15. Adrian C | September 8th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
there are many lost souls in the world. as Christians we can only tell people the good news of Jesus Christ. Our one and only true hope.
16. SzeWei | September 8th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
When I first read the beginning of this entry, I thought it was a guy. Someone who has lost all his energy carrying the heavy load of problems behind him.
But now, I guess that lady has lost all hopes and happiness in everything. She must have had alot of sufferings before she decided that dying was better off. I believe anyone who would attempt suicide are people whom this world matters to.
17. Michael | September 8th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
its sad cos ppl really just dont care much.
how much suffering, agony and pain. if its seems far enough, it really would not be your problem at all.
You are a kind soul, still being concerned at humans in a rather far proximity with you. But they are still many out there, and u cant do anything to save them.
It was just natural fdr human, to ignore.
18. heartless-usagi | September 8th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
“if there is anything that can deter anyone from suicide, it is love.”
it could also be a reason that leads to it…
how sad.there was this one time a friend of mine told me someone fell from the top floor of his apartment.it turned out the person accidently fell,and wasnt commited suicide at all.the stories was like this.a friend of the deceased was waiting for him downstairs,asked him to hurry up.the guy went up to his apartment which was on the top floor,didnt have his keys with him so he tried to get in through the window or something [dont ask me how la.this was what my friend told me] and next thing his friend knew,the deceased fell right in front of his eyes T.T
19. abby | September 8th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
so odd… a 30-odd year old guy fell from my 7th floor condo and died too. a note was left apologizing to his loved ones. this happened yesterday morning. really makes you wonder what went through their minds the whole time huh.
20. reallybites | September 8th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
you know i have this impression that if a person chooses to jump off some tall buildings, then he/she must have really meant it compared to errr other methods. coz once u jump, there’s no turning back.
and i wonder how many of those who jumped off changed their minds as they flew.
21. nat | September 9th, 2007 at 12:07 am
apparently she bought her outfit that morning and she’s staying alone because of psychological problems. her children do not stay with her for safety reasons. she just shifted in early september, which is why nobody recognizes her. before she left she sent a text to her only relative, her adopted brother, thanking him for bearing her cost of living etc etc.
…as told by the guards.
you should have been home earlier. it was so weird just looking at her, laying there unnoticed in the beginning. and the process was….hmmm.
she lived 3 floors above you though.
22. ashleighhhh | September 9th, 2007 at 2:07 am
FREAKY! i refer to the comment above mine.
i admire you, su ann. really. i wish i could write like you do.
poor suicide lady =( wish i could have done something for her too.
23. chris | September 9th, 2007 at 4:46 am
nobody would want to identify her anyway… even if they knew her. Owning up as a neighbour or even as someone who doesn’t know her but has been seeing her around would just spell trouble for themselves; that would be the mindset of Malaysians, even I’m not excluded, I daresay.
It’s just unfortunate that this lady had nobody to turn to when she needs any, and heeded by no one as she was deluding herself into a mind craze… makes you wonder if you have been taking a good look at the people around you, be they friends or just passerbys on your way to work, to just stop and smile, or just give them a simple greeting to show that they do exist in this world we dare to call our own…
and maybe, just maybe, you would have saved a life from drowning into a sorrowful pit.
24. smarty | September 9th, 2007 at 6:57 am
your mastery of words always convey vivid and precise sensory details to readers. inadvertently giving out equally vivid & precise details as well as coordinates of yourself too often…..hmmm… be careful about this baby.
your good readers/friends should also bear this in mind. for e.g 3 floor above 13 equals 16th floor. if the newspaper reports the scene/place of incident, any cyberstalker; psychopathic, psychotic or obsessive could easily ’stalk’ you.
maybe this talk of death/suicide is getting me nervous or probably you will dismiss it as signs of my ‘tender’ age, no?
love from smarty
25. smartypants | September 9th, 2007 at 7:12 am
ooopssie..forgot to wear my ‘pants’…signs of dementia…
smartypants
26. foreverjas | September 9th, 2007 at 8:59 am
sad. life’s so short. sad. sad. sad.
27. JustAnotherTragedy | September 9th, 2007 at 10:39 am
at one point of my life i used to feel suicidal. i guess if i was pushed a little further i would have attempted it but it never happened. then again even if it did, i doubt id have the guts to do it. i cant bear the thought of leaving my dogs and everyone else around me i love. haha.
28. k0k | September 9th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Last year, some bloke hung himself in my hostel, in a room below mine. His last words was; “Life is all about fitness. I’m not fit for it.”
29. Eggplant | September 9th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
I think Martian is glad to have you too, especially after that pool party tee hee. Hope you get lots of pool parties in S’pore as well.
30. bunni3 | September 9th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
*hugs*
life is short.. people say it all the time and only God knows why things happen the way they do. it is a shame that things like this happen but i guess all we can do is pray.
31. sarang | September 9th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
death is tragic but life is miserable
32. foreverjas | September 9th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
your post made me cried.
33. ria | September 10th, 2007 at 8:53 am
this is such a sad post. =( i could only imagine what you felt right then. *hugs* you’re right there, lucky us who know what it feels like to love and be loved. there really is a need for more of that to go around. take care!
34. Adrian C | September 12th, 2007 at 12:38 am
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5
35. thisguy | September 12th, 2007 at 1:10 am
Liked the vividness of this post alot. A dozen other bloggers would’ve taken pictures and write a one-liner/ one para OMGOMGOMG entry but somehow your “appreciation” for the moment is quite mesmerising.
Here’s a thought - we are - each one of us - in midflight on our way to the end. What was she thinking? Maybe that’s what she was wondering too…
36. joanne | September 15th, 2007 at 4:01 am
OMG!!..so coincidently, at the same dATE 8/9/2007 at 7pm or so, a gal commit suicide by jumping from 7′th or (maybe higher) floor of an apartment in Melaka.. the cause of her crazy action was, she was pressured by her parents to give up on her husband, because she married secretly with that husband of hers. she is one of the 4flat accounting student, age only 20.!!! She’s a chindian, husband indian…ppl said she not bad looking.
i saw the police took the body (cannot see clearly coz she is in the black plastic bag already)..n that was around 8something. Heard from the ppl living in that apartment said that her head was sMASHED..=_+..my friend had the photo but, well i choose not to see, i cant barely see it la. partly felt geli, partly felt bad..like no respect..hm..
man..i wonder if it has anything to do with ghost month?..eerieeeeeeee
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