Punctuation

there is sleep, and then there is the lack of it. zombiefied is the word i’m looking for, in this heavy-lidded stupor and head-spinning terror. trudging along with my arms dangling limply at my sides seems like a strangely attractive idea right now. i dont even have to talk, i can just go urnnnnngghhhh and no one will care, because zombies arent expected to say anything else anyway. but i realize that despite this listlessness - this tiredness - i am experiencing an extremely heightened state of consciousness. how ironic, but yes, that is so. everything is like so fucking clear, and i’m just so aware of everything that’s going on around me. it’s like a mindtrip. i can see everything. the dimmest lights seem sharp. the softest sounds startle me. the smallest gestures sting. the littlest things hurt.

sometimes i wonder about ignorance. i wonder about stupidity. i wonder about simplicity. especially simplicity. it’s something that has evaded me all my life. i cant be simple no matter how i try to. all this overthinking, all this overmulling, all this overexaggeration, all this redundancy. all this opinions, all this seriousness, all this sensitivity. so bloody exhausting, but it’s clinging to me like sweat. i cant seem to shake it off, and the more i do, the more exhausting it is. i would really like to be a zombie right now.

so much i want to say, but i’m so tired. the Firefox 2.0.0.0.0.6 that Lance helped me install the other day is helpfully underlining in red all the words i’m spelling wrong in this post. even the words that lack an apostrophe are underlined in red. i hate it! my old Firefox version didnt have this Spelling Nazi stuff. i mean you know, it’s just a freaking apostrophe. apostrophe apostrophe apostrophe apostrophe apostrophe trophy entropy fowfee foffle ledoffle. i had to write all that junk cos the word apostrophe was starting to look like an unrecognizable word.

yea anyway my point is, that’s what i try to tell myself sometimes - that it’s just a freaking apostrophe. what’s the big deal? where’s the fire? just relax. take deep breaths. eat the mooncake your mother brought back. write an email, trim some toenails. then go to sleep, and wake up the next morning discovering that you’ve lost your heightened sense of consciousness.

wake up the next morning normal again.

September 21st, 2007