The Lonely Plastic Plant

my mind feels like dust lately. i keep spooning it out of my head and onto the table, just to examine it at eye level and to make sure it’s all really there. then when i’m satisfied with the introspection, i spoon it all back into my head. but that’s on the good days. on the bad days, i purse my lips and blow at the stuff, scattering my own braindust everywhere and all over the room. the sight of it sticking to the windows like glitter, sparkling and teasing, is strangely pleasing. thus i find myself wishing for more bad days.

i’ve just returned from yet another weekend in Singapore. a highly-stressed one, because i kept thinking about my SAT Subject Tests that are due in two weeks’ time on the most awesome date of October 6. so what’s another reason for the brouhaha surrounding that date? Pakistan President Musharraf’s re-election. among other things :D

i was studying for Math (Level 2, god help me) and Literature in the bus on the way back. as i attempted to recall every single trigonometry tip and trick i ever learnt in high school, i was getting so terribly carsick, but i still forced myself to go on studying. just a little bit more, i thought miserably.

but then i looked at the Corean boy sitting across from me in the lounge, blue-socked feet up on the seat and reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. he looked very happy and very content. and i thought, why can’t i be like that? why do i stress so much about these things? it’s only the SATs. it’s only college. why do i have to aim for all the top schools? why cant i just be happy with second tier? why cant i just be happy, period?

but the truth is, i know the answer to all those questions - it’s because these stressful things involve the future, my future, and i want that future to be healthy and happy. giving it my all (albeit with a lot of fretting and worrying) at this point in time is but a small price to pay for an abundance of happiness in time to come. it’s an investment, and a very good one at that. yes, all these present-time little pleasures may seem so delicious, so tempting; and i cant help but feel very jealous each time i observe happy and relaxed people like Corean Boy who can afford to re-read the entire Potter series - but ultimately, it’s the commitment that matters. you cant succeed if you dont commit. you cant get anywhere if you’re interested only in temporary hedonism.

and, you cant have a future if you dont plan for one. or at least think about it. or talk about it. or at the very least, do something that shows it matters to you.

i woke up today to a text by Mean Boss. ya he’s very mean, very very mean actually. but it’s hard to stay angry at him. he’s so much like Martian in that way. sigh. men. cant scream at them, cant not scream at them. what’s a girl to do? cry, i suppose. cry a lot. i asked Martian yesterday if he thought i was a crybaby. i was expecting him to roll his eyes and say yes, but then he said NO. very pleasantly, too. hahahahahhaa i win i win i win. baby, if you’re reading this, i’m sorry i didnt want to share my strawberry cheesecake with you yesterday night :(

i always ask myself, why am i here? during the times i lie on my stomach staring at the flipping n’ flopping plastic plant, during the times i brush my teeth, during the times i’m staring morosely out the window of the cab, i always ask myself that. but at the end of the day, in the moments when we’re excitedly trading gossip about the people in our lives, or when i’m giving him the egg yolk from my soupy noodles and he’s giving me the mushrooms, or when we’re falling asleep holding each other.. in those moments, i always always know the answer.

32 comments September 24th, 2007