The Lonely Plastic Plant
September 24th, 2007
my mind feels like dust lately. i keep spooning it out of my head and onto the table, just to examine it at eye level and to make sure it’s all really there. then when i’m satisfied with the introspection, i spoon it all back into my head. but that’s on the good days. on the bad days, i purse my lips and blow at the stuff, scattering my own braindust everywhere and all over the room. the sight of it sticking to the windows like glitter, sparkling and teasing, is strangely pleasing. thus i find myself wishing for more bad days.
i’ve just returned from yet another weekend in Singapore. a highly-stressed one, because i kept thinking about my SAT Subject Tests that are due in two weeks’ time on the most awesome date of October 6. so what’s another reason for the brouhaha surrounding that date? Pakistan President Musharraf’s re-election. among other things :D
i was studying for Math (Level 2, god help me) and Literature in the bus on the way back. as i attempted to recall every single trigonometry tip and trick i ever learnt in high school, i was getting so terribly carsick, but i still forced myself to go on studying. just a little bit more, i thought miserably.
but then i looked at the Corean boy sitting across from me in the lounge, blue-socked feet up on the seat and reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. he looked very happy and very content. and i thought, why can’t i be like that? why do i stress so much about these things? it’s only the SATs. it’s only college. why do i have to aim for all the top schools? why cant i just be happy with second tier? why cant i just be happy, period?
but the truth is, i know the answer to all those questions – it’s because these stressful things involve the future, my future, and i want that future to be healthy and happy. giving it my all (albeit with a lot of fretting and worrying) at this point in time is but a small price to pay for an abundance of happiness in time to come. it’s an investment, and a very good one at that. yes, all these present-time little pleasures may seem so delicious, so tempting; and i cant help but feel very jealous each time i observe happy and relaxed people like Corean Boy who can afford to re-read the entire Potter series – but ultimately, it’s the commitment that matters. you cant succeed if you dont commit. you cant get anywhere if you’re interested only in temporary hedonism.
and, you cant have a future if you dont plan for one. or at least think about it. or talk about it. or at the very least, do something that shows it matters to you.
i woke up today to a text by Mean Boss. ya he’s very mean, very very mean actually. but it’s hard to stay angry at him. he’s so much like Martian in that way. sigh. men. cant scream at them, cant not scream at them. what’s a girl to do? cry, i suppose. cry a lot. i asked Martian yesterday if he thought i was a crybaby. i was expecting him to roll his eyes and say yes, but then he said NO. very pleasantly, too. hahahahahhaa i win i win i win. baby, if you’re reading this, i’m sorry i didnt want to share my strawberry cheesecake with you yesterday night :(
i always ask myself, why am i here? during the times i lie on my stomach staring at the flipping n’ flopping plastic plant, during the times i brush my teeth, during the times i’m staring morosely out the window of the cab, i always ask myself that. but at the end of the day, in the moments when we’re excitedly trading gossip about the people in our lives, or when i’m giving him the egg yolk from my soupy noodles and he’s giving me the mushrooms, or when we’re falling asleep holding each other.. in those moments, i always always know the answer.
Entry Filed under: Martianisms, Musings
33 Comments Add your own
1. sheon | September 24th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
YET another weekend in singapore! :)
i am so sick of traveling already! i even find myself hesitating to go back home in KL nowadays….. but, your circumstance is different, you have somebody to go ‘home’ to… i miss that feeling… ;(
2. sheon | September 24th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
its ‘go back home TO KL…” ? hahahaha……….
sorry…..still working at this hour 8.56pm, hence the blur-ness… .thats how miserable my life is!
3. tze | September 24th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
hedonism is oh so tempting. i think i am a bit of a hedonist, really.
4. Michelle | September 24th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
I want a plastic plant that grows flowers. Haha… It costs about Rm 100 in HKIA. =((
Well, I ALWAYS FEEL JEALOUS OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE SO MUCH RELAXED. Things start to cross my head, telling me that why can they do it and be carefree and why am I such an obstinate person who always waddle my way to the top, spending my teenage years of nothing but to score all As for my exams?
But it always hits me in the end. The talk about the future.
I know how you feel dear.
5. Michael | September 24th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
just relaxxxx. u gt martian mah…muahahahaha…thats guaranteed a bright future lol
6. kennysia | September 24th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Why your blog entries always seem so random but always give me that warm fuzzy feeling in the end?
And no, you’re not a cry baby lah. I’ve seen worse. ;)
7. jimmy | September 24th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
pinkpau, u should start writing lyrics and penning songs, which i know both are the same thing.
8. susannah | September 24th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
why didn’t u want to share your strawberry cheesecake with him?
i think i might know the answer, because i never feel like sharing MY cheesecakes with anyone too, but just in case you had your own reason…. i wanna know it.
9. foreverjas | September 24th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
i’m definately a cry baby. and i dunno why i cant stop my tears from flowing. and i dun wanna stress so much bout college and uni. its jz .. so hard. haiz. quarreled with him today, both crying in the car, jz bcuz of some stupid library books that i insist on returning today, but he said not today. sigh. why.
reading ya blog makes me feel how much love meant to me. at that moment, i was thinkin of will i be better off without him. i was so angry. but i love him. T.T
10. TheRealAnonymous | September 24th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
Eh… long time never hear from you man! Dunno where you disappear to also… where u now ar? How’re things ar? When wanna go out again ar? How come our transformers movie session tak jadi ar? =p How come till NOW you still haven’t sent me the Simpsons photos arr?
Anywayz, comment regarding your posting:
we all have aims for the future… but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the journey along the way. The journey plays an important role as to how u grow as a person as you reach your target. =p
Do wat you gotta do to achieve ur goals, just don’t forget to be yourself while doing it… and occasionally stop to smell the flowers along the way. =)
11. bulat | September 24th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
and so everyone is in this race called life.
12. Wannabe Economist | September 24th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
Chill.. It’s only college exams anyway, buy howver it’s a good thing too it shows you pay responsibility to your parents. Have fun, things will be over soon =)
13. Artificially Timtam | September 25th, 2007 at 12:54 am
commitment to the future is a good thing. it is after all the journey that old wise dead men talk about in their very quotable quotes.
just don’t get caught in the rat race. do what you want because it means something to you not because it’s the ‘asian’ thing to do. AND remember the little things in life too like lemon cupcakes or staring creep at corean boys reading harry potter :P
14. Mads | September 25th, 2007 at 3:19 am
You’ll appreciate all what you’re doing right now in a few year’s time. At least now you have an idea of where you’re headed… College, wherever that may be. But come the end of college, you’re out in the open not knowing what you’re supposed to do.
15. naz | September 25th, 2007 at 5:44 am
haha. that’s how i feel. but it feels good when you score really high marks. you know where all that patience and frustration went to.
16. jack in the box | September 25th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
life is a journey , not a destination
-Steven Tyler-
17. Jeff from LA | September 25th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Hang in there Pinkpau! The SATs and college apps are stressful for everyone so don’t worry. You’re far from the only one that is worried about how they’ll do on the tests and which school they’re going to end up at.
I don’t know if it’ll help any but my personal philosophy is to put in my best effort and then not worry about the result. It helped me get through the competitive gauntlet that was law school. I’m sure you will be happy wherever you go. So don’t worry too much and you’ll be fine.
18. Jeff from LA | September 25th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
Of course, I’m not saying in any way that it is easy to stop worrying. The fact that you care so much is one of the things that has made you into such a good student.
19. Shen | September 25th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” – Sydney Smith
Cheers* To your studies~
20. estherbobester | September 25th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
once my best friend told me that it’s okay to cry. as long as it’s not more than 5 minutes cos then it’s just self-pity. it sounds mean but it does make me tougher somehow when i do cry and resolve to caffeine or her for comfort instead.
and i agree with jimmy. your braindust would come up with some pretty good tunes.
g’luck with the tests. =)
21. Charlie | September 25th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Good luck for your SATs! I can’t really think of any other comforting stuff to say because I don’t know you well enough to go “don’t worry la you’ll be fine” without sounding like a bodoh haha. So all the best!
(That Toxic Girl album is bloody bloody good stuff)
22. Charlie | September 25th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Album pulak. Single. Sorry : P
23. Christine Wong | September 26th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Hmm…when you say you are staring at the plastic plant, do you mean the “tomy” one, cause i bought one too, haha. It is very cute.
24. Nick | September 26th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
love your writing. I’ve got to start using bombastic words to describe everything i do now. Hopefully life will be more interesting.
25. mich | September 26th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Heart u
Hugs
26. pinkpau | September 26th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
sheon : my friends and family in kl make it nice to go home :) why do you dread going back? eh are u originally from penang or kl
tze : i think both you and are not just ‘a bit’ of a hedonist :P
michelle : okay lets make a pact to always stay focused on our goals, but not forget to have fun at the same time!
michael : why got martian means got bright future!
kennysia : coz i’ve found a new technology that can translate warm fuzziness over electromagnetic waves and the south china sea :P
jimmy : i tried my hand at poetry when i was younger. i think i do better with prose :P
susannah : if you really must know, it was cos we had a small fight over dinner.. hehe. but we’ve kissed and made up. we always do.
foreverjas : ya i know what u mean abt the library books kinda thing. happens all the time to even the most docile of couples
therealanon : eh eh call me call me! im in KL for the next 3 weeks :) i swear im not going anywhere within this period. so lets do our movie! and YES that is the best advice – stay focus on achieving goals but not forget to be oneself :) thanks so much for the words of wisdom :) *hugs
bulat : no lah, no one is competing to rush to the end are they :P
wannabe economist : sigh i wish it wouldnt be over so soon; in fact i wish there were more time so i could prepare better.
artificially : hahaha i’m the rat racer, corporate chaser remember :P eh today’s my last day as a rat racer!!!
mads : i know i will, but right now its just very very stressful. sighs.
naz : oh yeahhh it’s a great feeling :D knowing all the answers during the exam is a great feeling too.
jack in the box : agreed :)
jeff : thanks jeff :) wow that’s a philosophy i wish i could adhere to. i think i worry too much
shen : i swear to you, THAT, has to be the motto of my life
esther : thank u, need all the luck i can get. haha my braindust is really just good for being blown around :P your best friend sounds like a wise person.
charlie : haha thank u, the good luck wish is more than enough :) and yea kings of convenience kick ass
christine : YES. hahahahaha. i bought it for my boyfriend for valentines day!
nick : eh no lah writing is not always about bombastic words. in fact, sometimes words that are too big kinda look outta place and disrupt the flow of the piece.
mich : thank u :) hugs
27. foreverjas | September 26th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
urgh ~ T.T
28. Michael | September 27th, 2007 at 2:05 am
cos u can be xiu lai lai mar…high tea with ur girl frens, go shopping with his sup credit card, eat dinner after his work…wah…so nice
29. sheon | September 27th, 2007 at 8:21 am
i dread the journey…not the destination. most of my loves are in kl! :) it’s the freaking 5hours torment on the bus i cant stand! cant sleep properly, cant read properly, cant eat properly, cant do anything properly….. then have that anxiety about having to go to the loo and all……
fyi: i was born kl, grew up in alor star but spent all hols in kl, moved to kl for studies and subsequently work there, now posted to penang and alor star for project. :)
30. pinkpau | October 1st, 2007 at 3:42 am
michael : what makes u think i like that kind of lifestyle?
sheon : haha i know what u mean abt the bus thing. but lately i’ve grown accustomed to it, so doing some work on the laptop (my bus has plugpoints!!!!111) and reading has gotten easier. how long is your penang/alor star project?
31. Ezra | October 7th, 2007 at 7:09 am
Where’s Corea?
32. gray | November 19th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
skip the best schools, and go somewhere you’ll be happy at – your life will be worth much more that way.
33. whoaa, mello | July 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Loved this post (: It was such a warm fuzzy one. But I have to ask; what’s a “Corean”?
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