i was lying down in this random salon in Bangsar, head tilted back and getting my eyebrows threaded. the lady doing my eyebrows had her hands all over my face, and normally that’s alright, but this one! this one! the horrid smell of her lunchtime chicken curry was unmistakable on her fingers, bits of her meal still stuck under her fingernails, as she played some kind of grotesque piano on my face - pressing here, tugging there, massaging rot into my face. she was oblivious to my gagging and choking, and i realized i’d not been this disgusted in a very long time. get your hands out of my face, i wanted to shriek; for gods sake, what beautician eats with their hands and then not wash them after lunch? when it was finally over, the longest 8 minutes of my life, i ran out of the salon and vomitted into a drain.
squatting there on the sidewalk wiping my mouth, i realized with some degree of misery that there are ugly things in the world after all. things like men leering lecherously at young girls from behind the wheel as their wives yak on and on in the passenger seat, things like people who only talk to you when they want something. things like mouldy bread.
the Auditor General’s report was released a couple of days ago, and i’m sure all of you are as angry as i am. once again, ugly things in the world. ‘Ministers to explain’, the headlines say; but we’re tired of lame excuses. every year the same thing happens, and every year it goes unrectified. the government gets away with it because they cleverly ensure that they go unpoliced and therefore unpunished.. but we, the people, can be their police. we can be their check and balance. if you dont like how billions and billions of your money is being misused by your very own government ministries, please for gods sake, stand up and do something about it during the upcoming elections.
the other day i bumped into someone that i harbour a lot of disdain for. i told myself that i absolutely refuse to be nice to her this time around. her sort of character is one of those ugly things in the world i’m talking about - rude, jealous, insecure and reeking of selfishness - and i make it no secret that i want nothing more to do with her. but then i realized, why am i spending all this time being angry at her? anger is an ugly thing in this world too. why taint life anymore than it has already been tainted?
sigh. you know what’s another ugly thing? it is the lack of sleep paired with a lot of crying. last night was one of those nights for me. i showed up at work today looking like death and having absolutely no mood to do shit. but then i finished up early and went home for a badly-needed 2-hour nap. and that 2 hours of pure sleep felt like the most glorious, wonderful thing in the world.
you know what i love? parties with costumes, that’s what i love! so when Jaw from Horomundi said that they were planning to throw a PAJAMA PARTY in conjunction with the Tempus weekend at Singapore, i couldnt believe my ears :D i was damn excited ok, especially when i saw the raunchy invite card yum yum!
so after much anticipation, the Pajama Party was held last night at St James Power Station, Singapore. i met up with Kelvin first at Swissotel, where most of the party guests congregated before leaving for the venue together. hahaha what a sight we all were, milling around in our long johns and little nighties in the lobby of Swissotel.
pictures from the night :
#1 at Swissotel, with the shuttle that shuttled us there. it arrived at 8pm, but Kelvin told me 7pm. WTF. why are all my friends like this.
#2 glam girl, action girl, navy girl and aviator girl models for the respective watch brands
#3 there was a Dominatrix at the club entrance to spank all the boys … hahaha!
#4 kelvin and i! i dont know why we chose to stand in front of the Richard Mille brand. oh i know, it’s because that’s where my eye candy was standing! hahaha! btw my eye candy took this picture.
#5 a few of the female models! oh the hotness! the one on the left in the marine outfit is my favourite
#6 with janice and her friend. janice’s nightie has a Hello Kitty patch on it, and she kept trying to cover it with her hair. whatever for?! Hello Kitty forever.
#7 the greek-dressed ladies were there solely to help us with the cheese platter. this particular girl in the picture was so cute; she anxiously asked me if i knew what the types of cheeses were, cos apparently someone asked her and she didnt know how to answer. aiyo so cute! our workforce needs to be more like her.
#8 vodka infused jelly with fruit. and one of those sticks the doctors use on your tongue
#9 dessert platter. the chocolate on the spoon is really some damn good stuff!! and i forgot to take pictures of the other hor d’ouevres but they were fantastic as well. the best ones were the peking duck wraps (so YUM!) and the scallops on toothpicks. siigh i wish all party food were that good. bruschetta is getting so boring
#10 ZOMG they brought in this albino python arghghghghghghhgg that is me freaking out
#11 after a few glasses of wine, i finally worked up the courage to do it. SIGH THIS IS MY MOMENT OF PRIDE!!! you cant tell from the picture but i was trembling like mad
#12 kelvin said, “TRY TO SMILE!!!!” and this is the product
#13 she did it with no qualms. summore can remember to display the Girard Perregaux watch she was modelling. hot, brave and professional - now you see why she is my favourite!!
#14 the orange area where all the older folks hung out
#15 Horomundi cushions at the lounge!
#16 with Victoria and her partner in crime. she asked me where i bought my slippers and i said, Vivo City! but she looked at me blankly. i’m like, which Singaporean doesnt know where Vivo City is?
#17 Li Ling and Cindy. we had the cutest slippers of the night :D
#18 my eye candy is the one in red. heehee. and why do angmohs always have to be so tall
#19 they were giving out these oriental-type pajamas at the entrance for those who weren’t dressed in pj’s. they were so nice that even the ones who came dressed took them anyway :P
#20 the boys in their pajamas. why is blue the official male pajama colour?
#21 haha damn cool lah these people - they brought face towels and toothbrushes and stuff! and teddy bears!!!! chua said i dont want to know what’s stuffed inside the teddy. hahaha.
#22 these girls came with matching Eeyore cushions. the two on the right are dressed exactly the same - gasp! party faux pas!
#23 me and my mushroom slippers that i absolutely love!!
#24 this guy was wearing the most expensive looking pajamas of the event. check out that robe!
#25 hahahhahaa and this one brought his entire toiletries bag!!!!!!!! DAMN FUNNY hahahhaa he was toting it around the whole night
#26 the models and their watches
#27 pinkpau goes home. the security guards at the apartment saw me in my pajamas and thought i was locked out -___-
i left wayyyyy too early last night. maklumlah i have girlfriend duties! but i was dressed for the occassion hehehe if you know what i mean. of course i do wish i coulda partied more, cos there were some really interesting people there last night. ah these watch people really know how to throw a party :) mucho props to Horomundi for a great night, and mucho thanks to Kelvin for taking me!!! i repaid him by running off with his silk pajamas :D
PS: i forgot to mention something important, oh how could i!! it’s such a tidbit - Jackie Chan was there last night! at first we didnt believe it - i mean wtf is jackie chan doing here at a pajama party - but kelvin and i spotted him briefly as he was rushing out. later on, some of the guys were saying how they walked towards the sofas without knowing jackie chan was there, and they were immediately stopped by his entourage who yelled “no pictures, no pictures!”.
one of the guys said, “i mean, he was just sitting there all alone! rubbing a pillow! like this! *proceeds to make rubbing gestures* it was so sad! jackie chan has got to be the most lonely movie star on the planet.”
someone from my apartment building committed suicide the other day.
my brothers and i had just returned home from a late dinner, and we were sharing jokes as we walked towards the elevator, completely absorbed in our maniacal bubble of hyena laughs, arms aflailing in the execution of our comedy. there was an ambulance parked outside, and although that is not a common sight, we didnt think much of it. ‘why got ambulance wan?’ was the only charity thrown its way before we went back to telling our stupid jokes and doubling over in laughter.
when we got back home, my brother got a message from one of his friends saying that someone from our building had committed suicide. so indifferent and matter-of-factly - that was how we got the news. there was even an ‘LOL’ tagged to the end of the sentence.
realizing the reason for the ambulance, we rushed to our balcony to look, and indeed there was a scene at the 3rd floor parking lot. there was a huge crowd of people, police cars were there, the area was cordoned off. and then there was the body, the star of the show, tactfully covered in a huge black sheet of something.
i couldnt stop saying oh my god. it was all i could say, over and over again like some dumb puppet. reading about suicides in the newspaper is one thing, but looking right at the scene - and this scene being where you live - is something else altogether. my brothers were really excited for some perverse reason, and wanted to go down to the parking lot to glean more information, but i refused to go. i just wasnt that brave. even looking down at the scene from 13 floors up gave me the chills and a heavy head. i knew that if i smelt the blood i would totally freak out.
eventually my brothers went downstairs together, leaving me to linger at our balcony alone. despite the overwhelming disturbing effect of the scene, i couldnt tear my eyes away. i swept through the whole scene from my vantage point, waiting for something to happen, some activity besides the cops who were pacing back and forth inside the cordoned area, just inches away from the body. i realized i wanted to see the body. i wanted to know the race, the age, the gender, anything at all about the deceased. ‘the deceased’, what a phrase. one hour ago, this person was a living breathing organism who could think and feel, but now she or he is simply ‘the deceased’. it’s like turning a page of a book or something.
i knew from the way the cops approached the concealed body, that this was the moment they would remove the black sheet shielding it from all the surrounding curiosity and concern. yet i didnt look away. i clapped my hands to my eyes but left a gap between my fingers to see through - exactly what i do during high-tension moments in horror movies - as if the slightly narrowed view would dilute the intensity of what i was to observe immediately.
it was horrible, it really was. plump chinese middle-aged woman, hands next to her head and her legs twisted at grotesque angles you would not believe. up there on the balcony, i recoiled and moved back as the body was cruelly exposed, but everyone at the car park leaned forward to get a better look. my brothers too. suddenly people started walking past the barriers of the cordoned area to actually look right into the deceased’s face. her FACE! i was so shocked that they could do something like that, but my brother’s later told me everyone there was asked by the cops to identify the woman.
but no one knew who she was. no one had even see her around or said hi to her in passing. isnt that sad? not a single person could say, oh she’s my friend! oh she’s my neighbour! oh i know her!
i looked around at the surrounding apartment blocks. apparently news had spread fast because it seemed every family in my building was leaning out their balconies and watching the suicide scene intently. i saw kids clinging to the balcony graille, young men illuminated by the flare of their cigarettes, old people sitting on little stools and watching, aunties chattering loudly to each other transbalcony. it was like New Year’s Eve and everyone had come out to watch the fireworks or something. everyone was just glued to the morbidity and the darkness of the situation, halting their nightly activities for box seats to this macabre show. we were all a thousand blinking eyes in the night.
suicide. this lady jumped. how does one decide that this is it? does one toy with the idea for months, or does one just look out the window and think, it’s so fucking easy to die? it’s so fucking easy i could do it. and is that when one does it? do you sit at the ledge contemplating your decision or do you just let go. do you say goodbye, do you leave a note? what is the protocol here? do you stop buying groceries when you realize you wont need them anymore?
and how do the suicidal choose what to wear in their death? she had on a loose white tshirt and the simplest pair of shorts. on the morning of one’s suicide, what does one think when they pick their day’s clothes out of the wardrobe? do they realize that this is what everyone will see them in as they lay lifeless on the ground, that this will be the costume of their final scene on this earth? that their last minutes will be wrapped around a white tshirt and a ratty pair of shorts. or do they just not care? do people still care when they’ve given up hope?
in hindsight, it was all so misplaced. i mean, there was an ambulance; and then there was me and my brothers and our big laughing mouths. i want to go back to that moment when we walked past the ambulance and i want to say to us, shut the fuck up, you disrespectful kids. someone just died and here you are laughing about something as trivial as angkasawan and shampoo.
i emailed Martian after that and told him how glad i was to have him, how lucky we were to have so much love for each other. i am so glad that as humans, we are all capable of love, and that we are all allowed to be part of something so vast and so great. if there is anything that can deter anyone from suicide, it is love.
woman in white, rest in peace. i hope wherever you are now, you have closure and that you are happy. i wish we could have done something for you.
there is a little bit of a reprieve where i am, and it’s due to a disaster called ‘table corruption’. despite being very thankful for the breather, it still feels kinda weird to know that i’m sitting here crosslegged and massaging my head, when the tech guys on the other side are wheeling around in flurries of panic trying to fix the problem. and i know Boss is pacing the floor of his apartment trying not to kill himself.
these days all i am is tired. too tired to look for my left sock, too tired to reply texts, too tired to charge my mobile phone. yeah dont think i dont realize i have my SAT 2 coming up in less than a month and i havent studied. this is ridiculous. my atrocious SAT 1 results and the fact that i blew off 2 essay competitions last month is still fresh in my mind. i need to stop digging myself deeper into this hole of disappointment and failure. this year has really really sucked for me.
but i bought pisang goreng at the stall next to the LRT station yesterday, and that made me happy for a while.
which reminds me of something a drunk stranger said to me one time some years back. he told me he thought i was a sad person. equally drunk, i trilled back that he must be craaaaaayzy, because i’m the happiest person anyone could ever meet. he replied, ‘ah you talk happy, you laugh happy, you wear happy clothes and you even walk happy.. but here-’ and at this point he poked a finger at my heart, ‘here, you are all saaaaadness, girl.’
i think i rolled my eyes and ignored him after that. at the time, i had thought it was such bollocks, someone telling me i was a sad person inside. i mean, the gall of it all; he didnt even know me! but now that i’ve learnt to stop defining myself via self-portraits that i myself paint, be it the Facebook profiles or those long introspective nights, i’ve come to realize that what that stranger from Atmosphere had said all those years back was and is still true. deep down inside i throb with sadness. sadness for something i long for, but will never get. no i dont actually know what that something is, though i wish i did so i could go out and look for it.
but i do know that i always have these little things around me that keep me happy and distract me from sadness. things that i sometimes take for granted, things that give me hope. and because i’m a little bit sad today and need some of this hope, i’m going to list some of these things down.
pisang goreng
fresh laundry
writing with newly-sharpened pencils
truth or dare
red shoes
flea markets
scrapbooking
reading a good book on a long flight
Flying Pan (a breakfast cafe in Hong Kong)
that glorious feeling of a new toothbrush in your mouth
people who smile at flyer distributors while saying no thanks
cute old ladies
my father calling me to ask me how to spell certain words. today’s was ‘lieutenant’
grocery shopping
crossing out things on my To Do list
talking about sex with Tze wtf
flowers
sundresses
when Martian jumps out at me from behind a door to scare me
when he helps me do up the zippers on the back of my dresses
how he tries to upskirt me all the time
the moments right before we fall asleep
———————–
yknow, i’ve realized what it is exactly that i need. i need a good trip somewhere!!! somewhere new. it’s been too long. hmm…
EDIT. to add to that list of things that make me happy when i’m having a bad day : surprise snail mail from the boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i checked my mailbox and there was this card for me. on the envelope and underneath my street address it was written ‘(dekat nasi lemak panas)’. hahahaha i burst out laughing. and murmured, babyyyyyy, even though he wasnt there to hear it. i wish he was.
on the front of the card is the most adorable picture ever, along with just the right words to oblivate my bad mood today. on the inside is a lot of Martianny goodness, but that shan’t be shared :P
as i write this, i am currently in the lounge of a bus en route to singapore. that 20 minute break at a random rest-stop off the highway has come and gone like the pack of M&M’s i bought, so there’s about 2 and a half hours left to my trip. cant wait to get there and see the look on Martian’s face. haha! surprise, baby! i couldnt not be there to move in together with you.
i’ve forgotten how fun it can be to bus sometimes. i swear i’m getting sick of airports and waiting for my bags to chug nonchalantly down the baggage carousel as i tap my foot impatiently, sick of immigration counters and early check-ins. of course the comfort and shortened travel time is something you give up when you decide against flight, which i must admit has swayed me into flying that profligate KUL-SIN route a couple of times lately, but 800 bucks for some extra leg room and a saved 90 minutes is way not worth it.
the bus is great - it is only on this trip that i’ve discovered there’s actually a lounge at the lower deck with plugpoints! which means i can use my laptop and get some work done! and that there’s a little bathroom as well. there is a guy in the lounge with me who is reading ‘God Is Not Great’ by Christopher Hitchens. how interesting; i want to ask him how the book is so far and what he thinks of it, but the room is too quiet for that. someone needs to clear their throat or something.
2 more hours or so.
7.42 PM, Friday
————————–
i walked past two room service trays before i got to the door. i had the keycard in my hand but i didnt want to use it. so i sat down in the corridor, with my pink backpack and a pimple on my chin, and rang his hotel room. i could hear the ringing coming from inside, and blushed at how well the sound traveled.
he picked up the phone and we talked for a while. he was bleary from sleep and i chirpy from excitement. it took great willpower not to just blurt out ‘i’m here!!!!’. i was already so impatient from the 1 hour of delayed arrival, and simply felt like i could not wait any longer to throw myself in his arms and be given many Martian kisses. do you miss me, i asked. yes, he said. then come out and get me cos i’m outside your door, i grinned. dont do this, he sighed. we pingponged back and forth before he finally believed me enough to come to the door.
i threw myself in his arms and was given many Martian kisses.
11.48 PM, Friday
—————-
i am now lying on my stomach on the floor of our new apartment timidly leeching unstable wifi off a neighbour who is kind enough to not password protect his network. we moved in yesterday and the apartment is gorgeous, it really is. cant wait to go shopping for furniture and accessories. and kitchen utensils!!! wooden spoons and cute muffin trays, here i come!
after unpacking, we went grocery shopping at Paragon. haha i put in the cart all these cookies and timtams and doritos and other junk food that he kept frowning at but bought for me anyway. i swear one day i will convert him to the love of all things unhealthy! he started with me. hehehehe.
no lah actually i’m very good for the health wan.
Martian just woke up and is now lying on the floor with me. we’re Facebooking and i’m showing him some pictures i took, while lying on the floor still and holding hands. honestly, nothing gets better than this. i could stay here all day, but Martian is hungry and wants to go out for lunch. now he’s bugging me to go get changed =(
some pictures of the new apartment :
the living/hall area
Mr Mover carting boxes into my room :D
Martian trying to figure out the curtain system
kitchen
kitchen again. cant wait for the cooking and baking to start :)
Agent 2 showing Martian the built in refrigerator! next on the agenda, built in wardrobe!!!
not helping to unpack
trying to fix up the bed
tandas
it is a goat, not a vulgar hand sign -___-
i swear my picture doesnt do it justice, but this is a really long shoe cabinet!!!!!!!! where i can put all my shoes!!!!!!! so my mother cant steal them anymore!!!!!!!! if there is one thing that convinced me instantly to move in with Martian (well besides the fact that i love him and he’s my one and only), it is this shoe cabinet.
the pool at the roof
the spot where i precariously leech wifi
Agent 1
the art that has followed Martian around malaysia, hongkong and singapore
my room has the bed for now, haha. so if he pisses me off anytime soon, i can kick him out and he will have to sleep on the rug. cos we dont have a couch yet. HAHA!
the bed and the view from my room. his (our) room’s view not so nice cos it overlooks a construction site.
Pinkpau is Su Ann. 19, Malaysia. Hostile when hungry. Sometimes a shapeshifter, always an optimist with a penchant for pessimism and shoe-shopping. More?
Contact at : pinkpau[at]gmail[dot]com
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The point of the pinkness of this site is to annoy the crap out of you. Really. What made you think I was a nice person? More?
