Love and War and Peace and Love Again

“How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?”
- Fight Club

i always scoff at the articles in girly mags that tell us that ‘the occasional fight’ in a relationship is necessary to keep it going. to me, it was always just one of those generic advisory statements that probably apply to only a minority of all couples out there, but not to everyone, and most definitely not to me.

this was how i looked at it - if fights can be avoided, then they should be. why would anyone want to have a relationship that’s prone to fights and disagreements, when they could have one that’s sweet, mutually understanding and loving? why allow dissent to breed when you two can compromise and emerge from the whole deal without having to kick and scream at each other and potentially say things that will come back to bite you both in the ass?

one thing i never understood was how people could fight with their significant others. sometimes i cant even bring myself to raise my voice or yell at my boyfriend, let alone throw things or have a full-blown argument. and at the same time, if any boyfriend of mine even so much as yells at me, he would be kicked out the door and given silent treatment for 20 days effective immediately O_O what i thought was - if you really loved someone, it would be extremely difficult to fight with them over small issues like Friday night plans or the mess in the house. you’d wanna hold them and you’d wanna talk nicely, right? you’d cajole and you’d sweet talk.. you wouldn’t yell at your loved one simply because their feelings are just way too precious to you to even want to risk hurting.

i suppose another reason why i dont do the fighting thing is because i cant stand the idea that my boyfriend and i are capable of disagreeing, and mutually refusing to see the other’s point of view, which is essentially what a fight is. in all my previous relationships, i have never once fought with any of my boyfriends. there have been long term relationships and short ones, but never a fight or even an argument where we’d both be yelling at the top of our lungs and screaming hurtful things at each other. and i was always very proud of this; proud that there were no problems, and proud to be able to say that my boyfriend and i never fight because we’re just so compatible and loving and perfect together that way.

but then i met Martian.

-__________-

and he just turned my whole world upside down and inside out. i have NEVER met someone that i’m so compatible and loving and perfect with, but who also fights with me all the time.

in the early stages of our relationship, we’d have the occasional argument because i’d say something and he’d disagree with me, and then i’d get pissed off that he disagreed with me and then we’d start to fight. or he would say something mean and i would go WTF YOU TAKE THAT BACK but then he would refuse to take it back and then we’d start to fight. or if i wanted a milo dog and then he would say cannot and then i’d cry and then we’d start to fight. stupid things like that lah =( and it confused the hell out of me at first because i didn’t understand why all this fighting could happen in a relationship where two people loved each other so much.

i really don’t like it when i fight with Martian, because i just dont like fighting in general, much less with my boyfriend, but it just kept happening. and i would get really upset about all the turmoil. for a while i wondered if this was a compatibility issue - perhaps we just weren’t very right for each other if we could keep disagreeing like this all the time. or maybe we were just too alike, because we’re both extremely headstrong, stubborn and vocal about our views. sigh, the other day Jovann voted me ‘Most Likely To Win In A Fight’ on Facebook, and he added a comment saying “she can come up with multiple reasons to argue with anyone if she thinks she’s right”. hahaha that’s actually true, BUT i met my match when i met Martian. cos if anyone can justify the most unjustifiable of things, it would be him. he could sell a supply of McDonalds to Colonel Sanders and have the old man renew the contract each year okay -___-

(one day i must blog about ALL the Martian vs Anyone arguments i’ve ever witnessed. very funny wan i swear)

so yes Martian and i fight a lot. but the coolest thing about our fights is that we always end up so much closer after every fight we have. we will brawl it out and scream and cry and fume and throw things, and then when we’re done, we will stop and look at each other and go.. “awww baby come here” and then we will melt into each other’s arms and kiss and make up wtf.

and then we’ll realize that we’ve learned so much about each other just from that fight - learning how to deal with each other, learning the inner workings of the other person’s heart and mind, and above all, learning how to love each other better. and our relationship just becomes so much more stronger as a result :) it is just so good and comforting to know that after a fight, we will and have always come back to each other, and that our love is strong enough to withstand this trial on top of all the others. sigh it’s like Darwin’s Theory meets Mars & Venus or something.

and not to mention i feel so much lust for him every time we fight and then reconcile. i loveeee the fact that even after a huge argument, he’s big enough of a man to admit he’s wrong, or sometimes admit he’s wrong even though i’m the one who’s wrong hahahaha, and then sincerely want to make it up to me. SIGH. how does one not lust for a man like that. how. how. how.

so i’m eating all my words about how ‘the occasional fight’ is not necessary in relationships. i see now that it TOTALLY is. it helps build your relationship, gives you both a chance to say things you need to get out of your system, helps you understand and appreciate each other better. seriously. how do all these things happen if not by going through fights and then emerging victorious together, as a team and holding hands?

and i must say that Martian has just been so good for me in many ways. i used to be so spoilt by all my previous boyfriends who would always give in to me and never want to argue despite how unreasonable i can be.. and as a result i always expected things to go my way, and this would translate to school, the workplace, society and all other aspects of my life. not a good thing, obviously. so i’m glad i met my boyfriend, who has very lovingly shaped me into a better and more understanding person :) even though sometimes it drives me up the wall like when he refused to let me buy pink curtains for the apartment grrrr.

i’ve grown up and seen how naive i was to think that couples are perfect and ‘right’ only if they don’t fight and are always on good terms with each other. not fighting doesn’t mean a relationship is perfect.. Martian once told me that if i went out with a complete gentleman i would probably be really bored. at the time, i ardently disagreed (and thus another fight ensued haha) but now it’s glaringly obvious that it’s so true. while i would love being treated like a princess, i would probably be really angry at such a boyfriend for not having an opinion or a backbone, and i would also be hurt that he’s so scared of me that he can’t even bring himself to disagree with me.

so i see now that what i used to think was perfect, actually does not exist; but what do exist are relationships that are rough around the edges, yet are centered around two people who recognize the flaws in their relationship and mutually want to work at perfecting it, while loving and supporting each other all the way. it’s all about two people who will always remain excited about each other and never want to give up at what they have.

that’s what exists. and that’s what Martian and i are. and i wouldn’t trade that delicious and loving discord for all the harmony in the world.

that, and make-up sex ROCKS.

57 comments November 6th, 2007