Moment of Clarity

November 9th, 2007

sometimes at night, when i’m alone and in bed, i cough up my heart just to take a look at it. it’ll be there in my hands, pulsating and alive, red and bleeding all over the goddamn place. it makes me curious, this thing that seems to have a life of its own; not a part of my body, but a completely separate entity that seems to be superior to all the other parts of me.

and so i’ll watch it. watch it beat, my own heart in my own hand. dub-dub. dub-dub. there are times when it seizes up in panic and i can feel it contracting violently against my palm, and i look at it with much sadness because i understand what it’s trying to do. i’m sorry, heart, you cant be your own shell. you can’t retreat into yourself. it’s just not possible to be both the core and the shell. someone needs to be your shell, but it simply can’t be you.

you know how we always figuratively say to our loved ones, “you have my heart”, or “i’m giving you my heart”. i’ve always been extremely liberal in giving my heart out to people. in hindsight, rather foolish isn’t it? it’s not like i have that many hearts to give away. i keep telling myself that i’m good with picking the right people to give my heart to, but there will always be anomalies. we cant predict everything and expect to always be right. and that’s when i get my heart handed back to me in yesterday’s dinner takeaway paper bag, used and nicked here and there, in a huge shabby mess that drips blood all over my toes as i stand there wondering, what the fuck do i do now?

hello, all. this is the old me speaking. i took a nap this evening and i woke up to this moment of clarity.. a moment of complete, honest, blinding clarity that sparkled like a field full of cheap diamantes. it took 2 seconds for my skin to recognize it’s old friend, for my shell to remember this core that it was BFFs with but then disappeared for a bit. 2 seconds.. and i knew i had the old me back. the old me who is self-sufficient, confident, loved, smart, unafraid, takes shit from no one, loves to laugh. there is always a time to be completely selfless and vulnerable, but that time is not now.

to go through life feeling like you’re constantly running away from hurt is a tiresome and futile flight away from something impending, like a dog chasing its own tail. i’m really tired of it. i’m tired of all these expectations never met, eagerness always shot down. i’m sick of having needs and then made to feel like i’m wrong for having said needs, or that my feelings are nothing, irrelevant, stupid and dismissable. i’m sick of voicing out my concerns, only to have them drowned and forgotten in the fray of fervent defenses and a lot of screaming at me. i just want one big set of headphones that i can put over my ears and thus erase the world from my senses.

the new me couldnt deal with all that shit. i think she was a little bit avoidant and way too much of a people-pleaser, wherever the hell that trait came from. well, fuck other people. the old me is back and she knows exactly what to do - crack some whips, dance the night away, eat good ice cream, and above all, love herself and love life.

so tonight i coughed my heart out again to have another good look at it. hey you, i whispered to it. i grew up a little bit more tonight. it dub-dubed happily back in reply. then i put it back in my ribcage, safe and snug where it belongs best.

Entry Filed under: Musings