Hello CR and CM
December 28th, 2007
there are feathers where my heart is – i can feel them fluttering against my ribcage, tickling coyly. and there’s a hole in my stomach, gaping and capable of collapsing into itself. tickle, collapse, tickle, collapse: it’s a cruel oscillation between nausea and suffocation. my immediate reaction is to curl up in bed and pretend i am either elsewhere or nonexistent. my skin craves something intangible. the scratch of my pillow doesn’t quite cut it.
what a juxtapose we both formed as we stood there side by side – him with his ripped jeans and many tattoos, me with my sweatshirt, files and teacher recommendation forms. ‘dunhill men-toh!’ he hollered as he slammed his palm down on the counter. i quietly held out a ten for my RM 8.20 bill. but we were both ignored for something bigger which we didn’t care enough about to protest. so there we stood, waiting, drumming our fingers. the moment dragged on, nonchalantly awkward. we sideways-glanced at each other. i pretended to look for something in my files.
‘alone?’ he asked curtly in cantonese. ‘mmmm,’ i answered in murmurese. stretchy moment like an elastic waistband. lip biting. saved by the loud hip-hop ringtone as his phone rings – notice that he has a tattoo of a snake-like thing on his ring finger – and he answers with a ‘mat chat??’ with extra emphasis on that last syllable like he’s almost spitting the word out between his teeth. he yells some more into the phone. gawd, cashier, what’s taking you so long? absently, i start to visualize a photo taken from behind us – two people standing beside each other, from different worlds, who dont speak the same language, who obviously have very different tastes in shoes. if it even existed, i think it would have made a great picture.
i have never found much promise in myself in adhering to Aristotle’s golden mean. it’s a sad truth, but i am a creature of extremes. however, i still struggle to achieve some kind of balance or strike some kind of middle ground whenever i remember to or see it fit. of course, i almost never succeed, because it is not my nature to be neither here nor there. neutrality for the sake of it… what is that crap anyway… if you believe in something, you should stand up for it all the way. dilution of character is not something i buy into. yet for some reason i keep telling myself a little moderation would be good for me. sometimes. kinda sorta.
stupid Beaver told me that whenever he sees any of my posts with Comments Off, he skips them right away because he’s too lazy to read my emo crap =( Kevin Beaver Low why are you like this =( dont you like my emo writing =(
this one was going to be a Comments Off post, but now the comments are open just to force Beaver and others like him to readdddddd all my emoness!
eh but seriously lah are my emo posts boring =(
Entry Filed under: Musings
38 Comments Add your own
1. Gin | December 28th, 2007 at 5:09 am
nooooooooooo
2. cm | December 28th, 2007 at 5:26 am
hello back atcha
3. thegeekinpink | December 28th, 2007 at 8:16 am
hehe nope your emo posts are not boring at all. they’re just as strongly written and interesting as any of your other semangat posts. merry christmas!
4. sheon | December 28th, 2007 at 8:33 am
:) personally …i prefer blogs with interactivity between bloggers and blogders..(and of coz, quality read)……..thats why i luuuuurve your blog so much….
however, even with comments-off…..i will read your stuff like a ritual! hahahahhaaa……cheh….pinkpau mah…………
5. tomatoinc | December 28th, 2007 at 11:43 am
that’re some lovely writings at the beginning of this post.
6. carolyn | December 28th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
i like the way u wrote in the beginnings of the post. it makes me visualize the scene….like a movie or something
7. Jun | December 28th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
no lah they’re very heartfelt. but no emo posts over the new yr lah k… ;p happy new yr in advance girl!
8. Observer | December 28th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Your emo posts are some of the best writing i’ve ever seen. Please don’t change anything about your blog
9. Kevin | December 28th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Hahahah wtf….you really go and layan cm and cr and then have everyone side you.
Fine fine ah paus, shudnt have fetch you home all the way from subanggggg and then summore made me pay 1 hr of usage for nothing cause stupid cr or cm helped me turn on the comp haha and I was nice enough to offer you your 2nd xmas pressie hahaha =P
10. Suit Lin | December 28th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
I have always enjoyed your emo posts, they are like random scattered uncut gems, raw and seldom recognized, but extremely valuable. Emo moments waiting for both the writer and the reader to learn from i guess.
and reading your blog has always been a pleasure. =)
11. k0k | December 28th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
not all your emo posts are boring :D
12. aw | December 28th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Yeah, actually, I skip them too. Fireangel’s emo posts are entertaining. Yours is like some kind of abstract novel that uses more 5-syllable words than necessary. Dat’s the truth.
13. Christine | December 28th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
The truth is…for such a emo post like this..it doesnt matter whether it is a comments off or not..cause it is kinda hard to make any suitable comments..since it was your thought anyway, we can make a comment about it.
Still, i like your emo post..cause i can learn a lot of vocabs in it. Haha, cause ur emo posts usually have deeper english..LOL!!!
And yea, moderation is better than extreme.
14. clem | December 28th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
nope they are not boring. your abstract posts – no matter how emo – can produce very vivid mental scenes.
15. Grace | December 28th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
Personally think your emo entries are very well written. Just like novel std. Like the style.
But I like entries with alot of pics too…
16. jimmy | December 29th, 2007 at 3:03 am
i kinda agree with aw cept for the fireangel part..
17. nikolai | December 29th, 2007 at 5:30 am
Observations like this i like to read (somehow i have very similar thoughts on the matter), and i find it very well-written. Kudos, and keep up the good work.
Emo stuff about yourself, erm, sorry, but i skip them too. My mind just switches off automatically. I guess its too irrelevant to other people too, which is why they skip it. But this doesn’t imply in any way that its not well-written. Of course, I wouldn’t know. Never really read one thoroughly before :) sorry.
18. Michelle | December 29th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Your emo posts ain’t boring. Mine is.
19. Christine | December 29th, 2007 at 10:34 am
i mean we cant..sorr.y..haha
20. TheThinker | December 29th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Your emo posts are the literary equivalent of valium . . . no offense, but you tend to be less self absorb when you’re not emo-ing. . .
21. pinkpau | December 29th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
gin : thank u ^____^
cm : haha faster start your blog!
thegeekinpink : yay thank u :D and merry christmas/happy new year to you too!
sheon : haha wah thank u thank u :))) comments off sometimes because it’s just something i felt a need to write; doesnt necessarily need any feedback!
tomatoinc : thank you :) it was inspired by insecurity
carolyn : high praise… :) thank you so much.
jun : hahaha! yayaya no time for emoness on New year’s!
observer : wow thank you :) :) i dont believe i deserve that compliment, but thank you so much all the same.
kevin : hahaha kevin you dont make noise… you know i lurrrveeee you sooooo much
suit lin : yes! raw! that’s exactly what i like about my own emo posts.. :) they’re very me in the way that i cant properly express sometimes.
k0k : hahaha go away lah you. dowan send you screenshots anymore!
aw : thank you for the truth :) sometimes the best and most accurate words are elusive, and oftentimes when i manage to hit the nail on the head, it comes in 5-syllabic forms :)
christine : yup these posts sometimes dont require any feedback or replies.. i just want to write stuff and put it up :)
clem : thank you clem!! and congrats on your cicak win!
grace : hahahaha i love your last sentence, damn funny. hahaha. yalar nowadays no pictures because too stressed to take out my camera and snap away :\
jimmy : haha FA is the QUEEN lah! when i read her emo posts i also get emo wan :\
nikolai : yknow it sometimes kinda worries me that people come to a blog to read only what is relevant to them. i suppose that is why blogs are becoming more and more commercialized each day – bloggers are tailoring what they write to suit their public and to keep them coming back. i hope always be able to preserve my individuality in my writing, whether or not it is mainstream enough to keep my traffic up. esoteric is not a bad thing … :)
michelle : nonsense :) i like your posts.
christine : ya i figured! :)
the thinker : hmm. i dont know about this self-absorbed thing.. the best writing that i’ve come across always comes from deep within the writer’s soul, and is always always connected to even the most minute of their feelings and how they perceive things. what i write is very important to me, and so is how i feel .. :) i NEED to write about these things or i will die. i suppose there is a part of me that wants to put my feelings into published words because what i feel is very innate in humans – and thus i know there are people out there who have felt the exact same way i am feeling. self absorbed is someone who cant stop thinking about themselves and everything is always about them – rest assured i am not that kind of person :) but thank you for your comment nevertheless!
22. Alice | December 29th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
i can see the picture. it’s almost something i’d like to draw, if i could find my pad within the mess that contain my moving boxes. hm.
23. nikolai | December 29th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
>>>pinkpau: yknow it sometimes kinda worries me that people come to a blog to read only what is relevant to them.
Not sure why you are suggesting that people read what is irrelevant to them. For example, if you are doing SAT exams, you wouldn’t practice on STPM past year papers right? And if my favourite blog suddenly starts writing articles about art history, I will naturally skip the article as its irrelevant to me. I can force myself to read it, but I wouldn’t get very far.
>>>i suppose that is why blogs are becoming more and more commercialized each day – bloggers are tailoring what they write to suit their public and to keep them coming back.
Correct. Like you are tailoring what you write to suit your regular readers, and to keep them coming back. They wouldn’t come back if you suddenly changed your writing style, right? Whether or not this makes a blog “commercialized” is an open question.
>>>i hope always be able to preserve my individuality in my writing, whether or not it is mainstream enough to keep my traffic up. esoteric is not a bad thing … :)
Not sure if your writing is mainstream or otherwise, but its definitely individual as it is talking about your experiences and your thoughts. In any case, i guess your readers are generally asian and 16-30 years of age (mostly malaysian, no?). There’s gotta be millions of people who fit this category. Is that esoteric? I’m not so sure.
24. pinkshirtz | December 30th, 2007 at 1:08 am
hahah … emo post are nice to read … it gives a harsh reminder to readers … that they are actually feeling the same thing at the moment … i’m personally glad i’m not alone.
25. Jeff from LA | December 30th, 2007 at 1:24 am
I have to say that I read all of your posts, emo or not, but I have been tempted in the past to skip past your comments off ones. Why? Because when I read the emotional posts, I have this strong tendency to want to react to them, either by leaving a comforting comment or by expressing some other emotion triggered by the post. However, when I see that comments are off, I feel limited in my ability to express my reaction to the post and feel robbed of this means of expression. Thus, I appreciate your new willingness to open up comments after an “emo” post.
26. Jeff from LA | December 30th, 2007 at 1:25 am
So, in other words, I have left an “emo” comment to an “emo” post. How fitting, ;).
You’re awesome, Pinkpau! (Just because).
27. Jonathan | December 30th, 2007 at 2:31 am
Emo posts is when you strut your stuffs, grammatically.
Its awesome to sometimes sit back, visualize, and put ourselves in that situation. Verbosity is not a good thing, but like fine dine, its only good once in a while. In this case…its a good things
:)
28. J | December 30th, 2007 at 2:36 am
I completely understand where you are coming from when you say that sometimes it is the polysyllabic words that successfully create a certain mood in words. I find that the polysyllabic words you use neatly fit in with the fluidity of your writings and any other “simple” word used would have been too generic.
My teacher used to ban us from using words such as ‘nice’ and ‘good’. She used to say, “everything can be good. the food is good, the weather is good.” lols.
now to answer your question, i find your emo posts insightful and artfully written. i read all of them.
oopsie. this comment is too long.
29. Albert Ng | December 30th, 2007 at 2:40 am
The emo posts always have me kicking my chair and wondering why I can’t comment on the ones I want to comment on the most.
30. Waifon | December 30th, 2007 at 11:12 am
pau pau i realised you have quite a number of readers who are not so sehaluan with you but you are the great la okay cara- cara menentang isi- isi tersirat damn diplomatic and power. I heart you too hahaha emo or not you have my vote for the Queen of Malaysia wtf but pls dnt start flirting with the Agong wtf that is just so salah.
31. icelady | December 30th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
can i have rudy’s msn plssss, im in love wif him
plssssss plsssssssssssssss plsssssssssssssssssss
pllllsssssssssssss
32. tze | December 30th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
no i love your emo posts =)
33. michellesy | December 31st, 2007 at 11:13 am
I heart your blog babe, emo or otherwise *hugs*
34. aw | December 31st, 2007 at 11:16 am
Meeeeeeehhhhh. There’s a difference in thesaurus-flipper, and a good writer who can reach out with her maturity and experience.
“I cemented myself there unwilling to fathom my innate rapaciousness for his consuming affections, as he inevitably moved his presence further into the cavernous departure lounge.”
There is a certain elegance in using simple words – you can use metaphors and imagery to convey feelings much more powerfully. So that it does not get lost with people who simply don’t know the fricking polysyllable words! England not so powderful and dictionary not available, how?
“I stood there. I suddenly remember with his warm kisses on my neck, with an ache in my heart. He walked further and further away towards his waiting plane.”
35. aw | December 31st, 2007 at 11:18 am
Haha. I meant,
“.. I suddenly remember his warm kisses on my neck..”
36. aw | December 31st, 2007 at 11:36 am
“The Machiavellian machinations involving the judicial hierarchy and the subsequent pathetic attempts at covering up videographic evidence insinuates a deep underestimation of our collective intelligence.”
..
“They have a video of the top judge being fixed but are denying it. They take us as fools!”
37. icelady | December 31st, 2007 at 1:11 pm
pinkpau y u like tat dun reply my comments de ? :(((((
38. bs | January 2nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
NONSENSE!!!! of cos i read all your posts!!! but i dun necessarily understand your emo ones heh.
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