Hello CR and CM

December 28th, 2007

there are feathers where my heart is - i can feel them fluttering against my ribcage, tickling coyly. and there’s a hole in my stomach, gaping and capable of collapsing into itself. tickle, collapse, tickle, collapse: it’s a cruel oscillation between nausea and suffocation. my immediate reaction is to curl up in bed and pretend i am either elsewhere or nonexistent. my skin craves something intangible. the scratch of my pillow doesn’t quite cut it.

what a juxtapose we both formed as we stood there side by side - him with his ripped jeans and many tattoos, me with my sweatshirt, files and teacher recommendation forms. ‘dunhill men-toh!’ he hollered as he slammed his palm down on the counter. i quietly held out a ten for my RM 8.20 bill. but we were both ignored for something bigger which we didn’t care enough about to protest. so there we stood, waiting, drumming our fingers. the moment dragged on, nonchalantly awkward. we sideways-glanced at each other. i pretended to look for something in my files.

‘alone?’ he asked curtly in cantonese. ‘mmmm,’ i answered in murmurese. stretchy moment like an elastic waistband. lip biting. saved by the loud hip-hop ringtone as his phone rings - notice that he has a tattoo of a snake-like thing on his ring finger - and he answers with a ‘mat chat??’ with extra emphasis on that last syllable like he’s almost spitting the word out between his teeth. he yells some more into the phone. gawd, cashier, what’s taking you so long? absently, i start to visualize a photo taken from behind us - two people standing beside each other, from different worlds, who dont speak the same language, who obviously have very different tastes in shoes. if it even existed, i think it would have made a great picture.

i have never found much promise in myself in adhering to Aristotle’s golden mean. it’s a sad truth, but i am a creature of extremes. however, i still struggle to achieve some kind of balance or strike some kind of middle ground whenever i remember to or see it fit. of course, i almost never succeed, because it is not my nature to be neither here nor there. neutrality for the sake of it… what is that crap anyway… if you believe in something, you should stand up for it all the way. dilution of character is not something i buy into. yet for some reason i keep telling myself a little moderation would be good for me. sometimes. kinda sorta.

stupid Beaver told me that whenever he sees any of my posts with Comments Off, he skips them right away because he’s too lazy to read my emo crap =( Kevin Beaver Low why are you like this =( dont you like my emo writing =(

this one was going to be a Comments Off post, but now the comments are open just to force Beaver and others like him to readdddddd all my emoness!

eh but seriously lah are my emo posts boring =(

Entry Filed under: Musings

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