if there were a sound for silence, it would sound like stars. and if there were a sound for the shining of stars, it would sound like a million needles falling together, the tinkling crashing of their dissonance playing in an infinite loop that never seems drudging or tiresome. instead, this limitless sound feels naturally eternal. if you listen to it long enough as it rings in your ears, sometimes you can hear the truth.

after i hung up the phone, i sat for a long time listening to the sound of silence. it is such a passively piercing sound. but its permanence comforted me. it also didnt expect anything from me, and that liberated me. it is a kind of liberation where i’m sitting in a booth. a very small booth. we always think that freedom is a vast open field where we can run and flail our arms and air our screams of victory… but all those histrionics are demanded from us by the blue skies and endless green grass. we see before us an expanse of verdant, sloping hills, and our instincts tell us to run and chase the wind. but why? why do our instincts impose such expectations on us? what if i want to just sit on the grass, in that very spot i appeared in, and just sleep? i dont want to run with wide open arms and scream; all i want to do is be idle. and that’s why my liberation came in the form of a small phone booth with no phone. here, nobody can find me.

and thus, i can heal myself. far, far, far removed from the toxic aid of humanity.

i was a field mouse hiding at the bottom shelf of the bookcase, clutching a tome that felt larger than life, shaking with fear. the world swiveled around me in curvy waves of pounding feet and harsh fingernails, and i felt like the whole of Selfridges was going to swallow me alive. Gerrard lay forgotten on the floor somewhere and i would probably never see him again. remember the day he came to me, delivered into my hands unsuspectingly in a little jewelry packet? all this time later, i lost him and didnt even realize it until i missed the familiar thud it would make against my heart. an hour ago i was running helter skelter through a park behind Bond Street and laughing with the taste of chilly London air on my tongue, but as i crouched there in Selfridges amongst the towering stacks of books, i felt truly alone. actually, i’m so sick of Selfridges. i’ve been there for days on end now. and tomorrow (actually, in three hours), i’m going to be meeting some friends there for the Boxing Day sales, but i am optimistically relegating the whole jostling, elbowing and snatching shindig to the category of spectator sports. i also cant do the queue thing. queues drive me up the wall; there’s just too much foot-tapping and fidgeting on my part to be had. and then there’s the dangerous thinking that is inevitable as one waits. right now, all i want to do is not think. coz i’m on holiday. this new-found aversion to thinking is precisely the reason why i’m even here. ah, life. ah, london. so full of pompous cupcakes and prickly christmas trees.

merry belated christmas, everyone :)

how did you guys spend christmas? please entertain me with lovely stories of hot chocolate, crazy xmas eve parties, kisses san mistletoe, church service, gift exchanges or turkey from Mr Ho’s Fine Foods .. :) or even lovely stories of none of the above.

as for me, i ushered in christmas day with a congregation of crazy malaysians cramped into a little enclave in Butler’s Wharf – we had pizza, played Pictionary and passed around a strange-looking thing called a beer bong. then i hibernated until 4pm and woke up to milk chocolate digestive biscuits. watched Before Sunrise in intervals. stuffed myself with turkey stuffing later on at night. talked all night long. took a long shower with my favorite papaya soap from Body Shop. quite perfect.

some pictures:

a stand at Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park where i bought hot blackcurrant. Ribena :)

toffee apples, something i’d only ever read about in books up till this christmas. i’m still not exactly sure how to eat them though… i stupidly bit very hard into one and almost broke my jaw in the process. so i ended up sticking the apple into the oven to get a gooey sugary coating instead. that was a lot nicer.

my santa hat, which i later found out was actually a santa stocking. quite embarrassing.

a nice huge christmas eve bratwurst. happiness! this came with mulled wine, which is supposed to be a christmas favorite, but was kinda awful-tasting in my coarse and unrefined opinion :\

crazy malaysians! spot the beer bong

big floating snowman in Carnaby Street

outside Selfridges

… gorgeous.

updates soon, when i find time and buy an SD card reader so i can upload pictures :)

tomorrow, i’m going to the oh so famous Four Seasons roast duck in bayswater with tamtim. excitement! let’s see now if it’s really as good as the rumors declare. better than roast duck in hong kong, some say, but i meet that claim with much skepticism. but then see how lah. i am prepared to be taken by surprise!

i also will be getting my UK phone number tomorrow; so, fellow friends in the UK whom i have yet to call, i beg for your patience! do not take this as a sign that i love you not – it is the roaming charges that have backed me to the wall. roaming charges, as we all know, can be most unkind.

interesting london fact of the day: they have marmite flavored potato chips here. marmite.

a long, long time ago, i told Martian that i wanted to write a bf/gf meme to put on my blog, and that if i ever did, he has to oblige and do his boyfriendly duty of layaning my creation. so after an eternity of the text file sitting in his inbox and a lot of pestering from me, he finally got around to doing the meme!

so HERE IT IS!

my answers first, and then his.

tell us about the first time you met and your first impression of him/her:
it was at the coffee bean in mont kiara. it’s the cutest story… he came up behind me and asked if he could buy me a drink. i whirled around and said very curtly, “no i can buy my own drinks, thank you”. i may or may not have thrown in a glare, hahaha. but the smile he gave me as he asked me that was the most heart-stopping thing i’d ever seen. he still has that smile :) we sat down to talk after that, and as far as first impressions go, i thought that this guy was just way too charming, quite dangerously so. smart, definitely.. kinda cool :) he let me look through his ipod and i remember feeling very surprised that we had such similar taste in music. he likes to think that i fell in love with him from that day, but actually HE is the one who still remembers exactly what i wore on that day.. right down to which bag i used. go on, ask him!

what’s a weird habit or quirk that s/he has?:
when he sneezes, he likes to make a kung-fu stance. it looks unbelievably ridiculous

what makes him/her happy?:
reminiscing and revisiting his childhood

what makes him/her sad?:
sunday nights

what makes him/her angry?:
barisan nasional. and other people’s incompetence

what excites him/her?
museums. the Singer and Flatiron buildings in NYC -_-

tell us something funny about him/her:
hahaha got a lot. okay he’s got this absolutely perfected method of getting people to give him what he wants, no matter how difficult these people are. i call it the Julian Method – it’s basically modeled after the Socratic Method where he asks the person question after question until they paint themselves into a corner of logical fallacy, and have no choice but to give him what he wants. it was absolutely hilarious to watch at first, but now i feel very sorry for the poor prats who get in his way.

what’s s/he like at home?:
bossy. VERY bossy.

what’s s/he like at work/school?:
at school, apparently he was the quiet, shy kid. my suspicion is that he was the Christian Fellowship kinda guy… gentle, soft-spoken, mature, plays the guitar… you know the type, haha. ah such a far cry from the Martian i know today. as for at work.. he’s the ‘cool, suave one’ according to his colleagues. ya it’s quite hard to keep a straight face when i hear stuff like that :P

describe his/her room:
minimalist. bed, floor, wardrobe, books, that’s it. but i try my best to litter it with girly things like polar bears and ducks…

what’s his/her best friend like?:
okay let’s see. he has two favorite people – one’s an architect who is the coolest person ever. very assertive and extremely smart. he recently went to sieutheng’s architectural school to give a crit session, and just about all the students fell in love with him. when i saw her for dinner the next day she kept talking about how cool this architect was and at first i didnt really make the connection, but then she said that he walked in looking like he’d just rolled out of bed, and it all kinda clicked into place, haha. Martian’s other best friend lives in Budapest, and she’s really warm and friendly. she’s a great singer and Martian’s really proud of her. he said that if we get married, she’s gonna be his best man!

do you know who s/he hates the most?: he doesnt like a lot of people, but he doesnt totally hate anyone.

have you met his/her exes?:
aiyaaaa he has so many exes how to meet them all. at one point early in our relationship we kept bumping into random ex-girlfriends of his. quite amusing, to say the least. all very nice. no psycho exes or anything

do his/her parents like you?:
ya cos i very pandai ambil hati <3 Martian's parents are extremely cute though. his mom always scolds Martian when he forces me to eat stuff - "AIYA dont force people la!!" - but then 5 minutes later she'll persuade me to eat the same thing. his dad is even cuter.. very blur and has all these totally adorable mannerisms especially when he tries to act smart. haha!

what’s the first thing s/he would do or say if s/he fell down and scraped their knee:
“AH, FUCK”

what would s/he do in an emergency situation with other people involved?:
take control and start bossing everyone around. “everybody, CALM DOWN. LISTEN TO ME.”

which shop would s/he spend the most time at in a shopping mall?:
bookstore

what would s/he have for a typical breakfast?:
muesli + soymilk.. protein shake.. carrot chips.. or something silly like that

where would s/he want to go for dinner?:
haih very easy. in KL – the organic restaurant in TTDI. in HK – Eat Right at mid levels. in Singapore – My Type at CBD. common thread: all health-food restaurants

what kind of movie would s/he choose at the cinema?:
the same ones i would

describe his/her taste in music: eclectic (i know he will use this word to describe mine too. bet how much!). favorites: radiohead, coldplay, beatles, 80’s stuff. lanatir if you are reading this i think you and Martian would get along so well when it comes to music!

if s/he wasnt going out with you, who would s/he be going out with?:
NO ONE ELSE *possessive

what item in his/her wardrobe would you like to burn:
so there were these checkered pants that he loved to wear for a while……

what is s/he good at?:
word challenge, text twist, risk, monopoly, scrabble, chess, checkers, poker, mahjong.. UGH. when we play any of these games, he NEVER lets me win.

what is s/he totally horrible at?:
drawing…… hahahahaha

what’s something about him/her that is annoying/infuriating?:
the way he likes to burst into song every now and then, but then criticizes musicals like shit because he says he cant stand the way they all have to say everything in song. WTF THE HYPOCRISY

what’s something that you two fundamentally disagree on?:
the blood type diet. but BREAKING NEWS ladies and gentlemen! as of this evening, i am pleased to report that my boyfriend has declared the end of his blood type diet phase. yes! score! now when i stay with him we dont have to eat at blood type food anymore.

what’s something that you two agree whole-heartedly on?:
politics. a fair bit of our religious/spiritual outlook. wong ah wah chicken wings and kam heong lala at jalan alor!

is s/he possessive?: in sneaky, covert ways

why would s/he succeed in life?: charm. intelligence. and the Julian Method.

what is the coolest gift that s/he has ever given you?: POOCH! i love pooch and am attached to him in ways i cannot explain. nah show you all a picture:

what is s/he obsessed with?: healthy stuff. massages. bloomberg (haha). his quest for eternal happiness.

what does s/he avoid at all costs?: musicals. omg do you know how hard i had to beg him to take me to Beauty and the Beast…

what does s/he spend the most money on?: blood type diet food plans… haiyo. and random splurgey things like couches and mattresses. he had three mattresses in his singapore apartment -_- oh actually wait i know the real answer! the real answer is rent.

describe his/her typical sunday: in singapore/hongkong – wake up at 10am for brunch, complain to me about not waking up earlier and have thus “wasted the whole morning”, gets dragged out by me for pancake brunches, then we hang out at cafes or bookstores or explore some yet unseen facet of the city, then we go home and do lazy lovely sunday things. if in KL, then the day is usually spent with his family.

why would s/he be dangerous?: very fierce when scolding people T____T if he scolds me i sure cry wan cos so scary.

tell us about a time s/he looked absolutely gorgeous:
every morning when he gets dressed for work. sometimes he catches me watching him, and he’ll turn around and smile. my heart flutters :)

what’s something about him/her that would surprise all of his/her friends?:
he cares a lot more than he lets on

what do you love most about him/her?: his strength, his kindness and his sincerity. and his smile. and the way he holds me. the way he gives in to me. the way he loves.

the biggest lesson you have learnt from loving your partner:
“to love is to surpass oneself.” :)

——————-

okay Martian’s answers! haha i had a lot of fun reading them and couldnt stop laughing at some. sigh <3

tell us about the first time you met and your first impression of him/her:
We had been chatting online for a while and we finally agreed to meet at the mont kiara coffee bean . I recognised her from her blog and approached her with an affected chat-up line “can I buy you a drink?”
to which she replied with a curt “no”. I thought she had beautiful,enquiring eyes.

tell us something funny about him/her:
when she’s at the buffet, she leaves a trail of evidence: cavity on the bread roll that looked like it was nibbled by a mouse, teaspoon in twice-sipped tea, half eaten cookies, a variety of nibbled cheeses, and once-bitten variety of chocolates neatly arranged on a small plate.
(pinkpau: okay seriously i dont know why he thinks this is so funny. each time we’re eating he will find some reason to laugh at the way i eat. WHY?!?!)

what’s a weird habit or quirk that s/he has?:
she thinks she’s various animals at various times, namely the cat and duck are the more frequent manifestations while the mouse and fish occasionally rear their heads (or lips)

what makes him/her happy?: Ice cream, cup cakes, diet coke, wifi and plug points.

what makes him/her sad?: Being away from friends, family and me. And the simultaneous absence of all of the stuff mentioned in the previous question. Oh and too much homework especially of the calculus kind.

what makes him/her angry?: Stupid politicians. And being nagged at and lorded over and/or the perception thereof.

what excites him/her?: A holiday to somewhere she’s never been.

what’s s/he like at home?: authoratative and caring at the same time.

what’s s/he like at work/school?: rebellious in high school. Stressed out now in college.

describe his/her room: its a small room. Her furniture takes a perspective pattern with bed on the right and desk, shelf with books on the left and a window adorned with a printed fabric at the end. Other stuff include an ambient standing lamp, a loud growling standing fan, a bulbless round yellow lamp shade hanging from the flourescent lamp, lots of shoes and clothes, shoes, a maroon duvet on maroon sheets, shoes and a maroon fabric container that houses the toiletries, an airbrush of new york and an atlas. Things mysteriously take a life of their own and move all over her room.
(pinkpau: at first i was so confused as to what random room he was describing cos this is not my room!! but then i realized he was talking about my dorm room here in college. haih…)

what’s his/her best friend like?: i’m not sure because she has many and some new ones. They are generally very cool and supportive of her.

do you know who s/he hates the most?: I kinda have a hunch.

have you met his/her exes?: yes

do his/her parents like you?: yes
(pinkpau: understatement of the century. seriously. my mom cant stop saying how she wants us to get married. and when Martian and i fight, she ALWAYS takes his side. damn unfair! ma, i am your firstborn!!!)

what’s the first thing s/he would do or say if s/he fell down and scraped their knee: a long owwwww, followed by a series of short ow ow ow ow ow and maybe most probably tears.

(pinkpau: HAHA this is accurate to the point of being hilarious)

what would s/he do in an emergency situation with other people involved?: call for help.

which shop would s/he spend the most time at in a shopping mall?: shoe shop

what would s/he have for a typical breakfast?: diet coke and cake
(pinkpau: actually true. sigh Martian knows me too well)

where would s/he want to go for dinner?: most probably an italian restaurant

what kind of movie would s/he choose at the cinema?: romantic comedies.
(pinkpau: wrong!!! baby!!!!!!)

describe his/her taste in music: eclectic rock and lately classical piano

if s/he wasnt going out with you, who would s/he be going out with?:
someone more patient and less mean than me.

what item in his/her wardrobe would you like to burn: the dress she bought from sri lanka for like $2.50
(pinkpau: hahaha eh that dress quite cute wat!)

what is s/he good at?: writing

what is s/he totally horrible at?: resisting refined carbs

what’s something about him/her that is annoying/infuriating?: ignoring me

what’s something that you two fundamentally disagree on?: the concept of living healthily

what’s something that you two agree whole-heartedly on?: that malaysian politics are stupid

is s/he possessive?: yes

why would s/he succeed in life?: she enchants people, is clever and passionate.

what is the coolest gift that s/he has ever given you?: a scrapbook of ourselves for valentine’s.
(pinkpau: ABSOLUTELY WRONG. it was for our first anniversary!!! *mopes)

what is s/he obsessed with?: the blogging world, books and pop culture.

why would s/he be dangerous?: because she can scheme your downfall if she wanted to.
(pinkpau: hahaha good grief. such unfounded claims)

what does s/he avoid at all costs?: i’m not sure. She”ll try doing something at least once.

what does s/he spend the most money on?: fashion items

describe his/her typical sunday: wake up, have dinner with friends, go online, go for supper.

tell us about a time s/he looked absolutely gorgeous: we were fighting once, she was wearing her reese’s t-shirt and had her hair tied up looking confused and deciding between continuing the fight or making peace.

what’s something about him/her that would surprise all of his/her friends?:
she can be and is getting more cost conscious
(pinkpau: lou dau, are you reading this!)

what do you love most about him/her?: her beauty, her innocence and her enthusiasm about life in general.

the biggest lesson you have learnt from loving your partner: there is no right and wrong – there’s just what’s important.

———–

okay goodnight people. i am going to sleep for about 4 hours now before waking up to study for my LAST exam!!! econ on wednesday and i am done with my first semester of college.
i spent a record 16 hours in the library from last night till this afternoon. i think i deserve 4 hours of sleep at the very least…. :)

P/S: feel free to use my meme, but please link back if you’re going to!

“to me,” she said, “it is like peeling an onion.”

when it comes down to just me and the chain rule, i always rush brashly through it. perhaps because it’s such a small and simple procedure, i have the (arrogant) presumption that my second nature will take care of it without any extra thought expenditure required from me. but as it turns out, i always, always forget to differentiate the last variable. most of the time, i don’t even realize it’s there. and so, despite having unraveled a nice tumbling solution that feels like it’s right for the problem, little do i know that the answer i will eventually arrive at is wrong. all because i rushed through the chain rule and forgot to differentiate the last variable.

it’s always the little things. no matter how huge the gust of wind, it’s always about the grain of sand in the eye. pebble in the shoe. eggshell in the cake mix. “haha”. apostrophes. forgetting to press the On button on the alarm clock. it feels counter intuitive that such little things provide the swift kick in the gut, the offset of the entire delicate balance of forces. delicate… that’s what the chain rule is. and like all such precarious things in life, i stumble carelessly through it, quite ignorant of the fact that this is the one move that is going to define the rest of the micro-world it exists in.

but luckily for me, that micro-world eventually ends somewhere. i can then move on to the next problem, and the chances are, i wont be needing the chain rule for that one. behold! a new lease on life!

i’m supposed to be studying for my finals, but i wanna share a poem with you guys. to anyone who speaks / is studying italian but dont recognize some of the words, don’t worry, i couldn’t either. i think it’s dante’s dialect. but if anyone can translate the usual context of the word ‘potestate’ in the 3rd line, i would be most grateful. i know it means strength, but it’s such a strange word to use. well, blind spots notwithstanding, it’s still a beautiful piece:

Tutti li miei penser parlan d’Amore;
E hanno in lor sì gran varietate,
Ch’altro mi fa voler sua potestate,
Altro folle ragiona il suo valore,

Altro sperando m’apporta dolzore,
Altro pianger mi fa spesse fiate;
E sol s’accordano in cherer pietate,
Tremando di paura che è nel core.

Ond’io non so da qual matera prenda;
E vorrei dire, e non so ch’io mi dica:
Così mi trovo in amorosa erranza.

E se con tutti voi’ fare accordanza,
Convenemi chiamar la mia nemica,
Madonna la Pietà, che mi difenda.

- Dante Alighieri, La Vita Nuova.

edit: ahh i found a nice translation to the above poem online. it’s perfect:

All of my thoughts can only speak of Love,
greatly endowed with such variety
that one compels me all his might to see,
madly another does his valor prove,

another makes me hope as well as grieve,
and still another brings but tears to me:
on begging but for pity they agree,
such are the fears that in my heart still live.

Thus, with no subject wherefrom to commence,
I wish to speak, and know not what to say,
in such a lovely labyrinth am I!

And if for peaceful living now I sigh,
invoke I must my only foe today —
my Lady Mercy in my sole defense.

beatrice. there’s just something about that name. say it in italian.. be-a-TRI-cheh. no wonder dante loved her.

guys, i’m having sudden flashbacks of partying in KL. hands up, folks who miss the old 12 SI Atmosphere and think that no other club in KL could possibly match up to it.