Stunned

February 21st, 2008

every now and then, i catch glimpses of my other life. in the pockets of trenchcoats, and kitchen counters, and rainy evenings while i watch myself sleep, and starbucks sleeves, and bunches of asparagus, and sidewalks, and hair pinned up messily. then my heart aches, and i stop to breathe. and i am back here, here in this real life, this first life, this familiar life, this only life.

i have a life that i love. yet, i still dream of that other life. i still ponder upon it wistfully. a hat drop, and i can have that life; a stone’s throw, and it is mine. i marvel at the ease and the quickness at which this other life can be obtained. sometimes i want to test this ease; i want to see if it’s really as obtainable as it seems to be. but will i regret the repercussions? i dont know what i will lose. and what do i gain.. do i gain the satisfaction of my curiosity, or do i gain a whole new life and purpose that i would never want to leave?

and what is to become of this real, first, familiar, only life that i know now? i will eventually discard it, i suppose. forget it, move on, start over; like a beautiful amnesia that, in the process of recovery, i forget i’m having.

would it make me amoral if i made promises with the knowledge that i have another life out there that is the antithesis of everything i am crossing my heart with? i know what i want but i keep bluffing myself. as if it makes me happier to know that i can hijack so many different paths and identities. everything i will be is a million light years away. what am i doing now?

Entry Filed under: Musings